See this picture? See the concentration? See the alcohol? That would be me although the alcohol and concentration are not conducive with one another.
So there I was minding my own business, walking down the ice cream freezers filling up my basket with all kinds of weekend badness when a voice behind me said "Can you recommend anything good?".
I was just about to answer with "Do I look like I work in a grocery store?" but turned round and kept it zipped. There was this young guy, attractive and smiling looking hopeful that I would have a genuine answer. I told him to either go for Moosetracks or the Rainbow sherbet sorbet. He smiled again, one of those smiles that makes you feel like a superstar, like you're the only person in the place and nothing else matters.
I think I smiled back for a little longer than was required, probably looked a bit maniacal to tell you the truth and then proceeded to walk into one of the freezer doors whilst walking away...nice. Looked back waiting to see the look of utter disgust and was met with a wholesome laugh and smile instead. Of course others were rolling around with laughter but it didn't seem to bother me.
I walked to the checkout, and started offloading my groceries..oh dear...too much badness there, I should put something back and get something that at least looks the right colour to be healthy. I turned and there he was, smiling and I think checking out my goods, not the groceries.
"Funny we should bump into each other again..." he started and it went from there.
We talked at the line up, we walked outside as he walked me in the general direction of my car and talked there for about another 20 minutes. I was looking at him thinking "He looks normal", "He sounds normal"...so what was wrong with him? Or was there something up with me for thinking that? Was I twisted and jaded about love and relationships or simply over-cautious??
So he asks if I wanted to meet up later for drinks. I think my mouth hit the floor, I'm sure I looked at him with a puzzled expression when he said "Why would you find it so difficult to believe that someone would want to take you out for drinks?". Bridget the crazy cat lady here, maybe he should read my blog.
It was the first time in a long while that I decided to fly on the wings of spontaneity and go with the flow, so I said yes and we arranged to meet up. Turns out, he's 24, really smart, very funny and completely charming. I felt myself being disarmed by this guy, who was completely interested in me, focused on just me. But he lives in Washington...like I've said in my previous blogs, there's always something that throws a spanner in the works. We had a great time and when drinks were over, he swept the hair from my face, kissed me (I almost died it, felt so good) and gave me his cell phone number. He wanted to see me again whilst he was here.
I know me inside and out. I could've done the stupid...I could've said yes. I'd then have the arduous task of falling completely in love with the guy, never seeing him and breaking my heart over it all like I've done so often before with other relationships and the barriers they hold. I didn't. I said that I would keep in touch but that it would be difficult for me to do a long distance thing. He understood.
It may seem that this is a defeatist stance to take but trust me, I know me.
There's a guy I really like right now but yet again, complications galore. We're perfectly matched, share the same views and have this amazingly strong connection. Like when you think you already know someone and you can instinctively tell what someone is thinking.
If it's not distance it's baggage, in a relationship already, too young, too old, bats for the other side, too obsessive, too distant (It's not me, it's you - really? you're going to use that one?) he's a mamma's boy, he likes someone else instead of me, he's an alcoholic, he's violent and so on. I've had them all, trust me.
So where does this leave me? Apart from alone and having a full time relationship with BOB? I'm not kidding about the batteries...
It leaves me wondering if we only have a specific amount of connections that could work and whether I've used mine all up? I don't know anyone who's even remotely interested in me romantically or otherwise and that hasn't happened to me before. There's always been someone who thinks I'm special enough to date. True that they were very possibly axe wielding homicidal maniacs but the thought was there.
Even my cat looks at me like I'm a loser and she's single too so thing are really bad as far as the love life goes.
My problems stem from previous relationships going so horribly wrong. If I like someone I simply won't do anything. I convince myself it somehow feel easier (although it's true torment actually) not to let them know because if they do then it's normally a negative outcome anyways. I don't judge or discriminate about age, race or religion when liking a guy. In fact, generally those things don't even occur to me. I tend to like a person for their soul before anything else.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy person and I love my friends and miss my family, but sometimes having another person to share things with...I miss it more.
Don't take this blog as a downer because it's really not. I find it very cathartic writing through what I'm feeling so that I can understand it more. Understand whats going on. Really.
I guess we're all just searching for that connection, that time when someone likes us "just as we are" and pays attention to us without any hesitation. I got that for a short time today and it was totally worth it.
Be gentle with my heart for it is delicate, if you are able to pierce it's hardened surface, I will look after your heart with ever fibre of my being and our hearts will be strong and beating as one...
No comments:
Post a Comment