Mall Cops...Think they're S.W.A.T - They're NOT..!

Warning....this is a rant. In case you're thinking that this is going to be one of those fluffy feely blogs with a heart rendering conclusion it's far from it. Insert evil laugh here "Mwah ha ha ha....".

So just the other day I was walking to work and smoking on my way as I generally do. Out of nowhere (literally) this Mall cop stops me and this is how the conversation went.......

MC: Hi.

Nat: Hi.

MC: You're not supposed to be smoking on the sidewalk.

Nat: Oh?

MC: You'll have to move it and walk past the yellow line.

Nat: But that would be walking in the road.

MC: Yes, please move past the yellow line or extinguish your cigarette.

Nat: But what if I get run over in the road? Is it okay for me to sue the mall?

MC: I can't answer that but you need to move past the yellow line miss if you want to continue smoking.

Nat: No-one has ever told me that I can't smoke on the sidewalk and I don't see any signs posted.

MC: I'm telling you now.

Nat (in her mind): Whatcha gonna do mall cop? You gonna get on your little walkie talkie to your other mall buddies eh? Give them some action eh? Rough me up a bit hmmm? Tell all your other buddies at the Mall Cop Annual Convention that you had some serious shit going down at the mall and had to be serious tough guys? You wanna go home and email people about how tough you are beating on an English girl huh?? huh? well do ya?????

Some people get seriously retarded when given too much power and these "RCMP rejects" are no different. They walk around, sorry strut around, wearing a uniform that is simply inappropriate for their day to day tasks. It looks like if we had the next world war they would be more prepared than cockroaches and survive any nuclear explosions with that amazing "stronger than Kevlar" vest.

I'm truly surprised that they don't have cans of mace, cuffs and batons at their side in case of any serious mall offenses such as dropping litter, spitting on the sidewalk or shoplifting occur. Terribly dangerous stuff. I'm wondering how a neanderthal would conduct an interrogation of some unsuspecting fool who just walked through the exit instead of the entrance...would they be banned from the mall entirely??

Here are the requirements that need to be met even before they will look at your resume in order to become a mall cop. You Need:

1. An astronomical sense of self belief..you know, like those cocky people who think they can sing but can't on American Idol and everyone's laughing AT them rather than with them.

2. They have to be living with their mothers - it's a must. Who else is going to pack their lunches?

3. They're the only people that have those fantasy statuettes of naked women holding swords in leather g-strings.

4. Have the Bruce Lee Ultimate Fighters Movie Collection along with their very own set of custom made nunchucks.

5. Have a full years subscription to an online dating service.

6. Have the soundtrack to Roadhouse in their vehicle.

7. Have NOT completed any source of education which means they will do exactly what mall services want them to do...you know, like zombies or better still robots. They don't have souls you see, no emotions.

8. Carry a reasonably inexpensive Maglite to show use of ingenuity and lethal force if required.

If you ever see them in action, they're like "real cops" fluffing round (just made that word up - sounds cool doesn't it) looking important and trying to look serious yet strangely without the powers of detainment.

I wonder why that is???

Probably because they failed the psych test for the cops or weren't fit enough (all those donuts and McD's from the food court eh). Besides if you really think about it, other than a few small infractions, what would they possible do all day except tell people off which let's face it we all got enough off when we were younger.

I really don't need some overweight, understudied oaf telling me where I can and can't walk, smoke or park. Next it will be telling me where and when I can breath or whether I'm permitted to do a no.1 or no.2 in the restroom. Jerks.