Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown....

Flight Attendant Steve: You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: Oh, you can't get any where in three seconds!
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, you better try.
Annie: You're setting me up for a loss already.

I know what you're going to say...you're going to tell me that you though I'd been mauled to death by a grizzly bear in the wilderness, or perhaps drafted into the Canadian army and fighting in high heels somewhere across the world where they do not have Internet or blog sites.

To some degree I did kinda fall off the face of the earth this year...what I later found out is that in falling we learn all manner of truths about ourselves...some good and some to put it plainly fucking frightening. So I'm just going to lay it all on the line with this one, you know, warts and all...the gods honest truth. Maybe it will help someone at some point, gosh I can only hope...I'm going to be as honest as I can with you no matter how painful and exhausting it may be for me to re-live it and put it onto my virtual paper. In usual Bridget style, there are always funny moments...but then I'm generally one to laugh first at most occurrences and those who know me well, know that I try not to take life too seriously...

So much has happened this year and I may jump around like Quentin Tarantino and his every so muddled story lines but I'll try not to go off on a tangent.

In order to start, I'll need to tell you what's been happening over the past 5 or 6 weeks. Young Bridget here has moved into the most incredible place...I live on the lake, like, right on the lake. It is just the most incredibly beautiful place, not somewhere I would feel I was worthy of living. I am usually at home with incredibly bad tempered raccoons, noisy taps that when turned make you feel like the whole house is going to cave, a whole cacophony of insects that want to eat you alive and that's not including new evil landlords who's move to Canada was not so much out of a love for the country but perhaps a move simply to piss me off.

These things being said I was happy at my previous home before all of the evil dastardly deeds from 7 year olds who don't seem to want to grow up. So whilst my folks were making their yearly visit, they helped me move into my new place. Apart from a great deal of verbal abuse from the SA landlords and the fact that my folks protected me by keeping their anger silent and the trauma surrounding these events it was a new chapter in my life. I have full time employment as an assistant manager at a grocery store and life seemed pretty good. The picture of almost perfect happiness.

My folks left to go home to the UK and for the next following week I was like a Stepford wife, figuring out furniture, moving everything to where I wanted it, buying things to make it perfect and sitting out on my steps having a smoke and looking out at a view that ultimately made me cry several times. I get very emotional appreciating the little things in life...to you guys out there reading this, probably really happy right now eh ;o)

So imagine my surprise when the following weekend I'm sitting in my beautiful new home crying continuously unable to say why and unable to stop. In my beautiful surroundings I'm crying like a child who just lost their favourite toy (Pengy the penguin was mine) all the time thinking "Cmon Bridge, pull yourself together! Look around you and be incredibly grateful".

The following week at work I notice that people are so grumpy they are unbearable to be around. Completely negative, completely entitled and my tolerance levels become that of a MI5 agent undercover and on crack trying to get to the truth of a secret conspiracy to make caffeine companies part of the new world order...that way, they'd have control over everyone and everything and it would all be legal...mind control at its best ;o)

I begin to start craving fish at this point. Yes it's weird, and let me tell you it's not a British thing. I'm craving vast amounts of fish and nuts...in particular walnuts and canned kippers. At this point in the story, I'd like to say that I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend or partner at this time. There is nothing more unattractive than watching a woman eat 3 tins of kippers and then wolfing down a bag of walnuts. I know my usual style of drinking a great deal, smoking like a chimney, and singing karaoke at the top of my voice is not terribly attractive either but if nothing else it is endearing and I can boast that my voice is worthy of it. I have customers who feel it's funny to try to mimic my voice whilst I'm serving them and instead of laughing it off I'm grimacing the way i did when Keanu Reeves tried to do a British accent in Brams Stokers' Dracula...movie was awesome but I didn't care for his accent at all. You'd think he'd have learnt a bit more Brit in acting school what with Shakespeare and other earthly greats.

So the following weekend I finish at 3.30 on MY Friday, looking forward to chilling out at home, in front of the fire with a nice glass of wine, movie and cat to boot. The cat at this point has picked up on what's going on and is attacking me wherever I go, ignoring me and trying her best to show me her baddest ever EVIL eye. She knew before I did. Once again, I'm crying into my glass of wine unable to stop. My only perception at this point was that my folks had just left and I hadn't been able to see my new nephew yet. Yes, my sister had a baby boy this year! His name is Jack and when I say he's a looker I truly mean he is the most adorable baby I have EVER seen...and not just because he's my nephew. He could be in Calvin Klein adverts he's that charismatic.

For a short while after his birth, I had a fit of jealousy. Sorry sis, but I think you already knew why I hadn't been able to contact you for a few weeks after. My brain was incredibly jealous...all I kept thinking was that I was the older sister and I'd always wanted kids so why does she have one and I don't?? Very childish I know but when you're faced with an eternity to think about such things it starts to wear on you.

So I concluded that my mood was down to these things and that I should just relax....at this point my brain told me that I should get some art supplies and do some art work. I should have known at this stage...I don't do art! I'm utterly crap at it. Singing = amazing, writing = pretty good, poetry = better than pretty good, but art = I can't even draw a stick man and have it accurate or lifelike even in a humorous way! However, I bought supplies and it feels so incredibly relaxing to launch onto a piece of paper with bright colours and create something that I like...even if no-one else would ;o)

I had a good friend round to the house, my first house guest!! He's a truly amazing guy and he brought round Martini's and movies and pizza...it was a great night. We watched Bridesmaids...now, for anyone left on the planet who has not seen it, let me not over exaggerate by telling you that the main character Annie (as pictured above) is me in disguise. I didn't realise until watching this movie how completely fucked up things can get if you don't pay attention. I even commented to my friend how "this is the story of my life right now!"

This went on for a few weeks...the crying, the bad art and the wondering when I would feel okay and it would stop. Then a tragedy struck. I was on Facebook doing my usual rounds and found out that a colleague of mine had died. He was 20 years old and had been involved in a fight that as it turned out was to be deadly. We were not close friends, not the type that see each other all of the time. We worked together and always related and had a laugh when we saw each other. I'm pretty sure that it was this night that my brain malfunctioned. It was the last straw to the relative weirdness that had ensued beforehand. It made me look at my own mortality, my own life and how it was playing out. The guy was an amazing guy and I'm so glad that he had been to Thailand months earlier to travel and do what he had wanted to do.

My brain didn't only malfunction that night. It was trapped in a vortex spiralling downwards into god only knows what. It split in two - like a badly dubbed Bruce Lee movie (which by the way, If I ever made one I would ask Russell Peters to voice for me). One side of my brain was talking to me and trying to comfort me, the other was like an Italian gangster trying to dislodge any positives in my life...Yoo, yoo? Who the hell are yoo? ya think anyone wants to be round a loser like yoo? It really would be better if yoo weren't here yoo...

It got so bad that half of my mis-firing brain had already decided that life was over. I was barely able to block out the images coming from the evil twin in my brain. I was amazed at what I was listening to and even more amazed that it was coming from inside my brain. I'm Bridget! Things have always been fun and positive in my life. Yes, I've dealt with plenty of traumas and dramas but no more or less than others, so where was this coming from??? I begin to drink more and more that night to drown out the evil twin in my brain as I reeled myself through pictures of my friends last trip to Thailand on Facebook. In defiance my good half set up Pay It Forward Canada on Facebook as I wanted to make sure the good outweighed the bad. By the time I went to bed, all I could hear was the evil twin. I remember writing something on a blank sheet of paper, pinning it to the fridge and going wearily to bed.

When I woke up, I felt so completely awful I didn't want to get up. Half hungover, half mortality check into the awful voices in my head. They had not dissipated either. But still I got up and went to make a cup of tea. When i got to the fridge, i could barely remember writing the note but saw it there as plain as the day. "GET A GRIP" . I thank my better demons for writing it to me. It was at this point that I realised my sub-conscious had been trying to tell me something for weeks. At that very second having turned on the TV an advertisement came on as if fated for me to see. The thing with depression is that it sneaks up on you and you never see it coming.

I did a few tests online and with the results prevalent, thought about the actualities of the previous nights rants. I'm educated enough to know when I have a problem and wise enough to admit it. On the one hand I could go to a doctor who will tell me that my body is not producing enough serotonin to cope and that I need to be put on pills for the rest of my unnatural life. On the other, I researched into diets that help to aid the production and this is the route I'll be taking. One of the many things on these sites was that when depressed the body isn't getting enough Omega 3 (fish) or potassium and zinc (nuts)!! I know its pretty risky and I'll have bad days but all the while my good brain is still talking to me, I know that I stand a chance of feeling and getting better.

I can't tell you why this has happened. I live a good life here in the most beautiful place on earth. I know that not having family around has been a factor. That being alone for over 3.5 years has contributed. Finding my soulmate and not being able to be with him is tragic. Nothing has been particularly easy for me and really, I'm not asking for leniency on that scale. Everyone has different issues all around the world. I don't want it to be easy just not quite so hard. I know that all my brain was waiting for was that last little straw. I also however know that every feeling I've had since being here has been genuine, every comment I've made has been heartfelt and every friendship has been golden. I have never once regretted the amazing and somewhat brave move that I made in June 2008. The people that I have met, the kindest generosity that I have encountered, the beauty and true greatness of the north...it makes me feel tearful feeling how privileged I am at this moment...and I didn't even mention my love of the Canucks!!!!! Holy shit, where in gods green earth would you catch me enjoying hockey!!!! I love them with their icy cold hockey matches that warm up with the passion of the game ;o) Especially Kelser prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............

It's hard to admit...I'm not only British, but a Virgo too (incapable of asking for help) so if any of you are asking why I didn't call and chat about this, you know very well why. I'd rather go through a marathon of really bad Woody Allen movies (all of them in my opinion, none of them are really that good or funny...whats all the hype about really????)

The trick of it all is to be in tune with your body, to be in tune with what you want and don't waste any opportunity to be happy and live it to the fullest!! I think if I'd not been as hopeful as I am...I wouldn't even be here right now. Christmas has been an awful time what with the malfunctioning evil twin sat on my shoulder but the people that have mattered have really tried to help me feel welcome and I truly thank my new landlords and my great great friend....what you said Christmas night made sense K and I had a wonderful night talking with you about it all. You will always be a great friend xx

To everyone else out there, I don't know what the future holds for the New Year, but I wish you all the best and promise a whole great deal of writings from me, your slightly unhinged British lunatic..your friend, forever, Bridget I'm still here, I'm still Bridget, I'm still breathing and as long as I am you always have a great friend in me xxx

Anyone for Cake????

This blog is dedicated to my good friend Sandy...Without you Chickie, I would not have acquired the inspiration to push my life along with a giant set of weirdness even I cannot fathom.

The thing is...and I didn't realise until a few months ago that we are in total control of everything that goes on around us. Whether good or bad, chaos theory no longer washes with me after the weirdest of events and circumstances of the past couple of months. I would normally suggest that these things were simply co-incidental or set by some strange dogma that exists in the universe...fuck me, I was wrong.

So I'll go onto that in a while...I need to fill you in on the story so far before I go off on a tangent of thoughts and process revolving around that one. Now I'll warn you, there will be a short bit of explaining and a little tangentism before I get to the funny story okay.

So it's been a while since my last blog and to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I had any fresh material to cover so I stopped writing for a while. Let me start by saying that through challenging times I have found myself a great deal braver than I expected so, yay me!

My landlord decided he wanted to sell the house and gave me 2 months notice to vacate. Work was looking glum and hours scarce, money was incredibly tight and to top it all off I was feeling homesick. My sister was due to give birth and I wanted to be there which I feel was my main issue. I had a non-existent love life, no social life unless you count bob the wonderschlong and a cat who has several personalities and disses my drunken karaoke.

One day, I had a particularly bad day at work. My hours had been reduced again and I was barely surviving as it was and it had been a completely stressful day with people calling in sick and huge line ups at the store. I ended up in the back office with my managers sobbing my heart out and feeling completely done in. As I was leaving a good friend of mine suggested watching a movie that would "change my life" and to a certain extent it has.

I'm sure most of you know what I'm referring to so I won't go into it (saved you from that one Ev). It's about looking at things from a positive perspective and knowing that you can change your circumstances and lifestyle even to exactly how you want it. Everyone is free to do so and when I started to watch it later that night I thought "No Way!! This is some psycho-babble bullshit that I should not be watching as it's likely to piss me off even further".

I'm not one for religion...all that "praise be the Lord" higher on high, my shit don't stink because the Lord created me sort of thing is not my style. I'm not saying it's wrong for others and I don't judge, each to their own. I'm just saying it's not for me. It's the same with Oprah style TV shows and the shows that are specifically designed to make you buy a home gym or food blender or cosmetics that will make you look like Jackie Stallone. It's the indoctrination crap that I hate about it. I have my own mind, please for the love of God let me bloody use it. If I want a blanket, I'll go out and get one without sleeves or a hoodie. If I want beauty products I'll go to the store...not listening to some pimply teenage rocker tell me that even though she has access to beauticians, personal trainers and nutritionists she took the time to try out a "SOLD ON TV" product for a few minor skin issues!

So naturally I was entirely sceptical but the more I watched the more it made sense to me. Weirdness started to form straight after watching it. It's like the movie "The Ring" only you don't die after watching it or end up having your head smashed through a TV or drowning in a well. I logged onto Facebook which is pretty regular if not obsessive at times to see what was going on in cyberspace. I decided to play one of my online games and hit the jackpot straight away. Never happened before...but I wanted to test the theory.

I played for a while and then sent my sorry ass to bed, hugging a stuffed toy and crying. I should point out at this time that my landlord had sold the house and the new family had just moved in. Lovely South African couple with two kids that decided they wanted me to stay on as a tenant. They quickly endeared themselves to me. Mum and dad introduced me to the kids as "Auntie Natalie" and since their arrival the place has a new lease of life. We have baby lambs which I got to bottle feed, we have chicks for egg laying, we have chickens as meat birds (I have already been given a fresh one that was consumed days after slaughter) and they have also created a wonderful veggie patch and given me a specific area to grow what I want in...just magic.

So I'm in bed crying and as I'm somewhere between sleep and wake I hear music. It's a song played on guitar by the owner upstairs that only me and my family would really appreciate and not many people over here would know. It made me feel so much better, comforting me and was a sign of changes coming.

From there on in...change, change, change. Laugh as hard as you want at this but suddenly parking spaces became available to me at will...a small thing I'm sure but you have to admit entirely frustrating when you're on the receiving end of parking hell! Within the space of a month, I was offered another job working with an amazing chick. Not only an amazing person to work with but a truly great friend. It was one of the worst days, leaving my friends behind at my previous work but I know that they will remain friends and not so much a goodbye as I'll still bug them all the time!

My new workplace is really chilled out. 90% of the people I get on really well with but there are a few who hate my breathing living guts as I was chosen for the position instead of someone else. It bothered me at first. I'm a nice person I thought, why on earth would they be so catty? Now, I really don't give a flying fuck. I like my job, my surroundings, my friends so from a purely PC standpoint...they can kiss my born and bred British aaaarrrrse. In any future posts I will lovingly refer to them as the Bitches of Eastwick.

Since being at THIS job, I've had two other serious offers of work along with this one which as you will read, not so much. This one I'll tell you about which leads me back to the point, at long last eh....you've been waiting for me to get back to the funny right?

Okay back to the story...So about a week into the new job a British lady came through my till and as I'm prone to do got into my life story at the till and chatted with her whilst ringing in her groceries. She asked me if I would consider other employment options and asked for my number. I gave it to her. Silly really. She could have been a serial scam artist or some kind of swinging homicidal maniac but given that she was a Brit I figured those scenarios were less than likely.

So I got home from work the other day and there was a message on my machine from her asking to give her a call. I didn't know what she had in mind but have re-taught myself that every situation can be filled with a great deal of possibility so called her back. She talked with me for a good long hour about general subjects, living in Canada, my qualifications and the likes. She told me that she wanted to introduces me to her bosses the next day and would send me details of where to meet them.

This morning was the start of my weekend and in a fit of relaxation I very nearly cancelled going tonight. I was about to call the lady and make some kind of excuse not to go when I stopped myself and decided to make the effort. It was something different and I might like what I hear I thought. So I had a shower, got myself dressed nicely and left the house thinking if nothing else I look marvelous and might make some connections or learn something or perhaps find the job of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm working but there is never any harm in weighing up all possibilities when offered to you.

So I drove to Victoria, parked up and found the house. The house which was NOT a house. It was part of a complex. A complex which when I got to the door said "Use front entrance for access". It belonged to a high rise next door that they use as both residential and for conferences. When I approached the door I was met by my contact and her husband...so spy like, contact...Bridget 009 secret agent of Canadian Intelligence...now there's a job I want.

She greeted me by flinging her arms round me (weird as we had only met once) and introduced me to her husband and her husbands brother who seemed rather thrilled that he wasn't the third wheel in this scenario. They lead me through a few scarcely decorated corridors and we ended up in a pool area. I could only think that I would have preferred to be swimming with a nice cocktail at that point rather than being in a hugely uncomfortable situation with three strangers in an odd "shining" style accommodation with god only knows what intent.

A woman came by us and I was quickly introduced. She was a team leader. I had this sense that I had unwittingly stepped into a cult of some sorts. They were over-friendly, over pleasant, sort of Ned Flanders-esque. As we continued to walk through the halls to our destination they struck pleasantries with others who joined us. We finally ended up in a suite where I was met by the rest of the Brady bunch.

The room seemed to be filled with two types of people. The first, Eco-friendly, tie yourself to a tree, huge grinning, seeing dollar signs, love and hugs capitalists...and yes, I realise the irony to that statement. The other seemed to be made of very indecisive, insecure, unsure, uncomfortable, regular grinning not so much hugging folks who barely knew what they were there for. As soon as I walked in I realised I was brought in as the latter. A sacrificial lamb so to speak. THIS was not a job interview...it was from my gathering of the facts a sales pitch.

So I'm standing in a room filled with sardines and sharks and I'm looking round for escape routes. I'm introduced round the room to all and sundry. Then one of the main guest speakers, a homeopathic doctor gives me an odd looking bottle of liquid and tells me that this is what they're here to talk about and please try it. It turns out, the job involves an amazing all-natural wonder drug from a pharmaceutical organisation. It's made from vegetables and fruits and plants and shit and blah blah blah properties and it's really good for you.

Whilst taking a sip of the hugely sweet insipid flavour of the liquid it occurred to me that I didn't know what it was...for all I knew it could be some kind of mind control experiment that made me buy "AS SEEN ON TV" products. The homeopath winked at me and said "ready to make some money?" and as the comedic words lay hanging in the air almost in a cartoon style speech bubble I was desperate for some small vision of clarity and normality and common sense to prevail.

No sooner had I thought this, a guy walks in greeted by my Brit. He looked normal...well actually, he looked more than normal. He was in fact quite pretty. She brought him over and introduced him to the homeopath and then to me. The tragic part of this story is that I cannot for the life of me remember his name. That's seriously fucked up.

The leader asked him what he did for a living and he said he was a carpenter. "Aaaahhhh, Jesus was a carpenter" says the homeopath. At this I must have rolled my eyes in a very conspicuous manner as he smiled at me in re-assurance that he was not one of the children of the corn. We were left alone, scanning the room and finally started talking. It transpires that he is from Nanaimo and moved to Victoria recently. As we talked, he took off his jacket to reveal a lovely toned strong sturdy body, well tanned as you'd expect from a tradesman. I was almost apoplectic and tried very hard not to stare at him or for that matter feel him up on the spot. Although that may have made the night far more interesting.

It turns out that he had come along as he had a torn muscle in his shoulder and was told by my Brit that this product could help him greatly. I commented to him that I felt it may be some kind of pyramid scheme involving parting with money and that I really didn't know what I was doing here. He laughed and said he had been very unsure. We sat down together amongst the oddities of people and believers who were set to convert us on the magical healing properties of nature and he told me that he had tried all manner of things for his shoulder.

Seeing the opportunity and knowing how cheeky I am (you know, you really know) I advised him that I had a diploma in massage and it might help. He he he he. The meeting started with a promotional video followed by speakers and life believers, and motivationalists and professionals there to sell the concept. As soon as the pyramid came onto the over head, I looked at him, he looked back at me and we burst out in snigger's of quiet laughter. Mutual discontent is a wonderful thing to bring people together sometimes. I told him that I felt I was being administered into some kind of cult and it was the strangest interview I'd ever had.

It was supposed to go on for an hour...it went on for almost 1.45 minutes and 26 seconds. When they were finished, he got up as quickly as I did (the chairs were painful to sit on, as if the presentation wasn't painful enough). I made the comment that I had hoped they had put cyanide in the formula before they started the presentation but unfortunately they forgot. He laughed with me as we talked for a few moments and then said he had to go and catch the grocery store before it closed. With that, he was gone, leaving me to explain to the Brit that this was not my cup of tea...so to speak.

She seemed really disappointed so I re-assured her that I was very grateful to her for asking me to come and that the product looked great but I just wasn't in a position to buy it and forward the "magic" on to others. I was with her for 5 or 10 minutes and then left. As I traversed the halls I felt a pang of disappointment that my cohort had left. I reached the front doors and began to walk outside. There he was, standing there waiting for me. We talked as we walked down the road and he asked me for my number.

I gave it to him and noticed that he had in fact remembered my name even though I was searching to remember his. He said "well I'm not sure if a massage will do the trick with this injury but would it be okay to call you?" As usual Bridget blushed up bright red, giggled uncontrollably and said yes of course. He thanked me for not having to endure the pain alone and told me we'd speak soon as he smiled and walked away.

As I walked back to the car, I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

The point is, I was going to blow that off...spend the night in, like most nights. Changing the way we think about situations or life in general can lead to some of the most extraordinary experiences. There are things that I really want in life. A few of the things I really want, I won't get (Johnny Depp...you'll never know the warm hands of the Brit, sigh) but if you think positively enough about any given situation, you can put the wheels in motion for a happier healthier life and what you do affects others around you too so it also improves their lives....instinctively, positive attitudes can pay it forward to everyone. Butterfly effect right? It spreads, it's infectious. If my being a positive person can for one second make someone else's life a little more bearable then I'm all for it. If everyone did the same thing, can you imagine the difference in the world right now??

Positivity breeds...Crap, they should have asked for my resume and got me on the payroll eh. Motivational speaker!! I mean seriously, who the hell would not want this mind!! Bridget over and out...LOL