A day in the life of Brig, wanton sex goddess.......

So this is one of my more typical days...

Wake up, punch out alarm clock...it's 6.30am on a Saturday for Christ's sake. Trip over cat, go to the coffee maker. Empty out remnants of previous filter and hope that the extra spoonful of caffeine will do the trick and wake me the fuck up.

Trip over cat again..open window so she can sit and get some morning air. Make my way to the bathroom where shower has to be uber hot and trip over the cat again as she sits in with me (dirty perv) to breath the fumes from the shower (sinus issues, I guess).

Finish shower and run naked to the coffee maker where I forgot to put the pot back under before starting it. Clean up mess, still naked realising that it gets light very early these days and my landlord generally gets up early on a Saturday....fuck.

Run quickly into the bedroom and dress in my work uniform. About as sexy as a flannelet night dress. Look in mirror...fuck. Chanel/Dior perfume quick spritz.

First morning smoke. Feel like my lungs are going to collapse. Wonder if my cat would eat me if I died right now and she was unfed for days before anyone came looking? CSI has a lot to answer for...

Turn on TV. See all the shit and disturbances round the world followed by an upbeat story about a girl losing her dog and it finding her of it's own accord. The reporter looks so much more good looking than me....bitch.

Drink second cup of tar thick coffee and now feeling a chance closer to human. Check time 7.21am. Go to computer. Check Facebook, no-one loves me. Check email - mail about a new porn site with free downloads...almost tempted to go back to bed with B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) but haven't got the time. Will make it up later...

Take vitamins (B100 complex is how I can cope with my energy levels people - try it) drink down with yet more caffeine.

Trip over cat again before renewing her food bowl with dry shit that could have been made out of other cats for all I know. Clean out the litter box - How the fuck can such a small creature leave such a ginormous turd??? It's about half her body size WTF?????

Makeup....hair (who the fuck am I kidding..it looks like a bird's nest wet so maybe the windows open in the car will improve that) another smoke. Time check - 7.56am. Good. Close windows. Trip over cat when turning off the coffee pot. She wants me dead.

Lock doors, trip over my own feet going up the steps (loser)...roll on out to fabulous car with huge dent in the side (Trucker - Fucker). MP3 plugged in...good, got tunes, smokes, gas and I'm away. Almost run over Bambi who greet me at the window every morning...with a friend called Thumper are you fucking surprised your mother got shot?

Down the road. Onto the highway. Light first smoke. Amazing views over Mill Bay this time in the morning..and no traffic so can be more relaxed in driving to work.

Hit the first climb of the Malahat. First wanker in a Mercedes passes me when he realises I'm sticking to speed limit. TWAT.

Get to the summit where breathtaking views await me....almost crash my car. Didn't. Second smoke. Windows down...my hair WILL look great.

Get to ascension on Goldstream. Bastard tailgating me. There are two lanes you know. I know where the cops hide you fuck face...that's right overtake me, tosser.

Slow my speed entering Langford. Dance and sing like an idiot when we get to the red lights. Upmarket lady sitting in car obviously doesn't know how to have fun as she sits glaring at me...get a life, cupcake.

Arrive at destination, unscathed and on Fourth smoke of the day. Park on top of parking lot...what a fucking joke people! Check mirror. Hair looks like I'm at a 80's Pat Benetar concert....shit. Smooth it down...no-one will notice. Walk down the stairs wishing I'd skipped fourth smoke. Into work 45 mins early as generally usual. Hi, hi, hi to colleagues as I walk to the bakery to get something to eat. Cheese and onion buns. 9269. Walking to pay, realised that I could collect codes for NASA.

Third coffee. Bit stronger. Time check - 9.02am.

Start work early. Check book of thieves and local miscreants and all the latest IMPORTANT news that I could have guessed for myself. Straight out onto the battlefield of smiles and apologies (when needed). Friend asks me if I did something different to my hair. She noticed. Wondering how bad it actually looks.

Guy walks up and clicks his fingers at me whilst I'm helping bag groceries and says "lottery" in a supercilious tone that makes me want to grab his fingers and put them through the electric pencil sharpener in the back office. I check and the guy got nothing. Score.

Starts to get busier and I get to see some of the wicked cool peeps that I work with. They put up with alot too. I know the urk of the average cashier when it comes to the over zealous over demanding customer.

People off sick. Called round and tried to be as friendly and suave on people's answering machines as I could be. Joke. One person calls back and says they will come in early (Nice one Almighty). In case you're wondering people, that's why we have had to get more staff in.

First break comes around quickly. Smoke numbers 5 & 6. Sit in the sun wishing I'd won the lottery.

Back to it. Fourth time of "Are you Australian?" grate....

Walked down the aisle. Floor log. Deposits from tills.

Bagging for amazing cashiers. Walked to next till where I overhear "So how tall are you? You play basketball son?". Fell about laughing though I tried desperately to conceal it. He gets it about as often as I get the Aussie thing and takes it as mildly. In case you're wondering "No, I'm into Hockey" is the polite answer.

Giggles profusely for about 4 or 5 minutes.

Back to desk. Next wanker in line decides to try to do an English accent by saying the word " Alrighty" and "Love" alot. Doesn't make you any good at the accent loser.

Check hair as going back into the cash office and it now look like I'm a character from "Where the Wild Things Are". Get change. Take to till. Chat with newbies, nice peeps. Extend shifts. One out of six, not bad.

R Key, R Key , R Key...

Speak to my friends. Not happy. We're short people. Extra stress on a Saturday. MY Friday. Decide that Euthanasia should be recommended past the age of 70 to clear line ups.

Time check - 2.43pm. This day is going by quick and for a change, it's my Friday....yey.

Next break, no Reba in the break room for a change...fuck yeah. I changed it to Family Guy when I got in there. People looking miserable....Fuck, it's a grocery store people. You can't be that miserable. If it were a case of national security I might see those glaring unfocused miserable faces but not here. Break over. 2 more smokes consumed.

15 more comments about "Aussie" later decided that I should just admit to being Aussie even if I wasn't. Don't have a criminal record but it might just be bloody worth it. What I really wanted to ask was if "you've ever been outside of Canada, Read anything international instead of local gossip columns or had any outside experience of accents in your life because as far as I'm concerned you're certainly not worldly nor wisely in my pomme opinion you fuckwit".

Gets busy..."R-Key till 9", "Supervisor Till 2", Service desk lined up with refunds, bottle returns, lotto, Courtesy clerks on break at the worst times (not their fault, just the way the cookie crumbles), "CD on till 12", "Front desk line 1", phone ringing off the hook, smokes needed at tills?....and a line of cashiers either going on break or coming back and wanting to know where their going...If you think these people are paid for the glory think again. The lowest paid Super Supervisors, are the ones who help most because they know (right Ed? You know who you are... talked today eh) Low wages but high responsibility. I'd give you a day if I thought you could last that long...

Has a super laugh and joke with my favourite peeps before time check 5.50pm. Checked line ups. Checked to see if any more I could do. Did floor log for hell of it. Wanted to talk with a few friends and didn't get the chance...fuck. I only wanted to say that we were part of an elite bunch of super heroes and just didn't know it yet...McJosh (Mad Murdoch), Ev Almighty (Hannibal), Sir Nicholas (Faceman) Bridget (B.A.Baracus) Fuck yeah.....

Fled to my car. Saturday afternoon 6pm traffic - virtually non- existent. Yes. Stopped in Mill Bay. Liquor store. Thriftys. Gas station. Home. Tripped over the cat coming through the door. She had tried to plan her escape well but did not succeed...meow.

Opened Raspberry cider whilst struggling to hug the cat and take off clothes all at once. Cat still resents me for the earlier trips...biatch.

Showered. Checked FB....Maybe a couple of people love me but will have to step up lovability at some point before we become a spinster (With the "crazy cat lady" image) to make sure that I don't die miserably alone in a face full of Purina One Cat Chow.

Decide after the third cider to check FB again...still no different...fuck. Screw this for a game of soldiers, I'm doing Karaoke. Time check - 8.45pm. Try Miley Cyrus - The Climb, Symbolic but shit, try Yellow Submarine - The Beatles, not pissed enough, try Heart - Stranded, Fuckin perfect.

Time check - 10.45pm dancing around the room to ABBA and Barry Mannilow's "Mandy". Food Eaten - 0, Calories used throughout day - 1000Kcal. Hysteria level provoked through caffeine intake - still 70%.

Chances of nakedness - 56%
Chances of singing to Celine - 10%
Chances of singing to Backstreet Boys 80%
Chances of tripping over the cat 100%
Chances of solving "World Peace" fuck all...
Chances of having a super super Friday (Yes, even without other humans around) 100%
Chances of drunken "cat phone call" to parents - very likely...

So tell me your day, tell me how stressed you are at taking a six hour shift and being five minutes away from work....chances are.....I won't feel quite as brave as you. Bridget, over and out xxxxx LOL