Sorry for the delay guys, it turns out Johnny Depp wasn't quite finished obsessing about me. In an attempt to win me over he decided to send me a dozen roses every hour for the past 3 days. It so embarrassing when you have to call the FBI on a major celebrity for stalking a practical nobody. Besides, who the hell can move around in a home full of roses? I mean FULL. And then there are the allergies. He should know better by now, that I'm not interested, never will be no matter how many different tactics he tries.
Its also really hard to concentrate on writing the funny when someone is stalking you dressed as a bunny with night-vision goggles on. It's terribly alarming. I wouldn't have been concerned but it seemed odd to me that a bunny was climbing a tree...
back to the "learns" anyhow...
14) No matter how completely beautiful the heels, don't try to protect them over your teeth if you fall. Take it from someone who has tried and tested that theory recently (for scientific purposes only of course). My gorgeous heels remained in tact but right now I have the smile of an NHL goalie. I guess that's what happens on wild nights in Canada with good friends. Addendum to this learn - make sure you have amazing friends round you if you choose to save those heels. A keeper is someone who says "Hey, you know, it really doesn't look that bad" or " Wow, you can barely notice it now" even when you know that the mirror jumps off the wall every time you look in it. It's not how we fall that matters but how we get back up that counts...I had to go into work with a face like a slapped arse and a smile that would melt icebergs...literally...because their screaming at the horror.
15) Never ask your cat their opinion on new clothing. All they do is glare at you and once your back is turned and the clothes are on the bed either lie on it and leave enough fluff to choke the entire population of Belgium or claw it so that the new clothes are now the "snagged semi-new old looking clothes". My psychotic feline is starring at me just because I'm sharing her secret. No doubt she'll smother me in my sleep.
16) When things look their worst take it as a challenge rather than a problem. Never forget WHO you are and why it's happening. You can either choose to be pro-active when the proverbial shit hits the fan or sink into the abyss where things get much much worse. Always remember that it could be worse and others actually do have it worse than you. I've travelled to a lot of places but one of the best was Montserrat in the Caribbean (for those that need a quick recap of geography - the island is atop of an active volcano) and the people stunned me. So completely friendly, relaxed and so alive even though their capital Plymouth was lost underneath 20ft of molten ash. All that remains is the top of a church steeple. Their car licence plates have a tag line above the top. We have "Beautiful BC" or "The best place on Earth". Theirs is simply "It could be worse". Seriously, I'm NOT kidding.
17) Learn to laugh at yourself often. I'm lucky as I have such an amazing catalogue of accident prone, dizzy blonde idiotic moments to choose from. I know you guys are happy about that too. If you can't laugh at yourself and your own misdeeds there is something sadly lacking in your life. Laughter is really the best medicine for any situation. If someone can make me laugh, I will very quickly call them friend. We're all in it together even if we feel alone. My triumphs, tragedies and life lessons are shared not as a cautionary tale of what to do if you find yourself British, 6ft and blonde but for your amusement and for my own. For shits and giggles so to speak. If you do however have to use the bathroom for the former please do it now and take air freshener with you.
18) Dogs really are very cute and loyal and unlike our feline "frenemies" will not try to murder us in our sleep. Cat owners will appreciate what I'm saying. To those of you who've had the following happen in the middle of the night... a tail thrust down your gullet (Alien-esque visuals), your kitty trying to suffocate you by lying on your face, a claw tapping at your foot or the obligatory bite or paw to the nose. All of the above are to see if they've finally done away with you along with the war cry miaow at 3am or insufferable 200 decibel purring (they do this because you'll think their innocent of their crimes) to see if you stir. If you have any of the above and wake in the night to find you cat staring at you silently it is only out of sheer disgust that they can still see you stomach breathing up and down. Total world domination is their thing. Where did it all go wrong their thinking? "Ancient Egyptians used to be afraid of us and now the most deadly fart won't get rid of these humans...they must have been bred with cockroaches so that they survive a nuclear blast!" Dogs are however lacking brain and plotting power and will never take over the world due to this. Think about it logically, look into a dogs eyes and you see exactly what their thinking...a cat however is far more devious and perceptive and will one day murder you in cold blood.
19) Passing judgement is like passing wind...it leaves you with a very nasty taste in your mouth. Live without judgement and you'll never have to taste the fart. Even if you think yours smell good someone else will gag. PS...If you're thinking of stealing this phrase, it's now copy-written because I laughed so much as I was writing it.
20) Country music is actually *dare I say it* pretty cool. There was a time when country music was about one thing...my lover left me, they re-possessed my car, kicked me out of my home, the dog ran away, I slept with my best friends gal and got VD but I still love her even though she's dating my girlfriend and I'm working in a bar drinking myself into a coma thinking about grandma that passed away and how dis-appointed she'd be in me. You can interchange that with working in a burger joint too but a bar is more fun. My favourite song right now is by Carrie Underwood and the lyrics say it all..."the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog". The ladies rule country it's true to say. "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixies, "Don't even know his last name" by Carrie & even some of Taylor's new stuff is great although rather more pop genre. Country really has progressed in female empowerment. That twangy guitar and the sad ole sob story are long gone. Way to go country!!
21) Family is the most important thing in my life. Whether it be the family back in the UK (Mum, Dad, Kate & Jack) or my work friends in particular my bosses/family (crass as it may sound you are my family) or my amazing friends here at home who are particularly incredible and treat me as a part of their own family. You've all seen what a giant tit I can be at some point. You've all seen the disastrous choices I can make. You've all seen the catastrophic whirlwind of my "what you see is what you get" personality and what that entails and yet you all stand by me. I've learnt so much about myself, including finding my place in the scheme of things. I know you think I don't listen but I truly do and I'm trying my best not to repeat any mistakes. It's a tough road to walk when you are completely alone in a different country but the best medicine is learning from those that you care about and respect...and I do.
It's weird when you come to realise that someplace is part of your soul, and although you may be from somewhere different, in the right place, under the right circumstances you can change your idea of where home truly is. Having just visited home recently (Britain) where I spent the majority of my life I can honestly say that I missed my home, here in Canada. I think I was born on the wrong continent. I suddenly saw that moment of clarity where the past remained just so...in the past. The future is now (sorry Vodaphone, stole that tag line from you) and for me it's spoken in Canadian all the way. Underneath it all, the only thing that matters to me in life is being as good as I can be for you. As painful as it is to utter these words " the best version of myself that I can be". I'm not to everybody's taste but I will always try my best to do right by everyone that counts in my life. Mum/Dad if you're reading this, I'm exactly where I want to be and I have amazing people around me that look out for me 24/7 so don't ever worry. I love you guys...I can feel the love in the room...it's been emotional you beautiful Canadians.
22) Spiders in Canada are not as friendly as UK spiders. We have the boring non-threatening spiders in the UK. The kind that you can flick out of the window and you almost hear them scream and begin to think about their family missing them (how is the spidey family going to buy bread for the little ones now?). Here in Canada they're more the mug you in the street, take your purse and kick you to the ground type. Perhaps a gentle stabbing to boot. I realised this when a wolf spider decided to get into bed with me. It wasn't the romantic "hey honey, lets have some fun" get into bed. I was pierced (and not in the erotic way) by fangs in the arse and it was painful for weeks. I didn't have any heart to tell anyone but for the first 24 hours I felt the way Peter Parker would have felt getting the bite from the radio-active spider and soon after becoming Spiderman. Not in the great super-strength, web spinning, climbing buildings way either. I felt quaint. Only English word to describe it. Then just pain. I subsequently went on to look at google (never do that with bugs...it's like self-diagnosing a hypochondriac) and the pictures close up and symptoms of bites etc...Then my landlady told me about the reclusive spider...GOOGLE it!! It's monstrous...and called reclusive for a reason...NO-ONE wants to be his room mate! I'm praying I never run into one. I'm never clearing out my storage area that's a given.
23) Cats eat spiders no matter how big or vicious. My cat is a psychotic schizophrenic (Hence the name Stitch, ironically from Disney's Lilo & Stitch) and therefore as much as she'd love me to die a horrible death from a spider bite she'd rather finish me off herself in some thought out ingenious way devised by herself. Ergo, learn 23.1) My cat would rather jump in front of a bullet for me so that much later, whilst I'm comfy in bed she can kill me the only way she knows best - a lethal dose of cat lick to the face (It's generally considered "cat acid" as she's licked her butt several times first).
24) Sex is like a highly rated book review in the New York Times - Even if it has a shiny exciting book cover don't be fooled. It has to have substance, mystique and a happy ending to make you feel great...the happy ending of course is the point.
25) The two greatest TV shows of all time are Sex & The City and The West Wing. One will make you quiver with anticipation and the other makes fiction seem factual...can you guess which? As a single lady, I have to say the intellect of the writers on both shows were simply superb. I learnt a great deal from both...I'm blessed to say that learning how to have an orgasm/giving one to the the President of the US was not one of them. Although I think I'd make a wonderful first lady one day, I'm guessing that watching Sex & the City for sexual prowess was not a pre-requisite. I do think however that Obama employed some of the writers of the West Wing as his speech writers...let's just say it was either very ahead of its time in predictions or perhaps (Spoiler alert) some of the content was re-used through his presidency.
26) Being smart is not a crime, it's a privilege...its when you combine the word with arse that you get into trouble. Don't be a smart arse...no-one will like you.
27) Even if snow is white and not yellow it's better to boil it first. You never know when some squirrel has a sexual disease that you don't know about...
28) The moon is not actually made of cheese or I'd have eaten it already.
29) Just because some of us have a dry sense of humour doesn't make us un-funny. You'd be surprised how many of us un-funny dry people there are on this planet. I could name names but I don't want them to feel they have to be funny just for you. Watch for the dry people on the planet. They are normally very smart,(un-emotional) emotional people and have a singular thread mind that detaches slightly from reality (or your emotional reality). If you find one, befriend them instantly. The comedy alone from single liners will be worth sticking round for.
30) The meaning of life is loving what you do in love, work & friendship. If something is negative, get rid of it. It's a cancer that will spread the negative across your life and make you feel like shit. If there is a situation that makes you feel crappy, change it. If you don't like work, try something else. If there is someone in your life that makes you feel bad about yourself, ditch them. As cut-throat as that might seem, it will help you in the long run. The trick of doing all of this is to face your fear and not be afraid of the un-certain. Fear is a negative aspect in your life and will diminish all of the future events that you could accomplish. It puts pay to the successes you might have in life and brings only negative in. Positive attracts positive. Only a positive person will help you truly be happy and truly be yourself...those are the keepers. Encouragement from anyone in life is a gift in progression of the soul. Don't ever be too afraid to be yourself and love every minute of it. The second you lay waste to negative ambition (ego, narcissism, sociopathic interference) you lose. Simple is better. Simple is positive. Keep it simple, love what you do in life and the greatest achievements are what follows...that is your future..,..
For more advice contact 1-800-DAMNITIMGOOD or email Nat@allcreditcardsokorgoldteethaccepted.ca
