Things are not good right now... that's to say that if I was sucked into a wormhole in time and space on a continuous loop of all the mistakes I've made through my life, it would be marginally better than it is right now.
There's a great deal going on in Bridget's world at the present time and if I was a lesser person I'd be saying bollocks to it about now. Unfortunately I'm not a lesser person and apparently I'm a sadist too for all the pain and hardship I continue to endure on a daily basis.
I'm sorry to not have written a blog for so long as it really helps me gain perspective on what's going on in my own head.
Let's start by saying that my parents visited a few weeks ago. They brought with them my favourite aunt and uncle whom I've not seen in a long long time. It was a great pleasure to see them and the time off that I had was great. To tell you the truth, I really needed a break from the gruelling routine that I've found myself living by. It's sort of silly really that I should require a break from what should be the most satisfying and liberating lifestyle you could get.
I'm feeling low at the moment. I loved having my family here to visit but it was when they returned home that I realised how completely and utterly alone I actually am. I have made some of the most terrific awe inspiring friends and I don't wish to offend them by saying I'm alone. However, when it comes down to it, that's how it is.
Right now it feels like my dreams, made of stardust are burning themselves out and turning to ash and no matter how hard I try, how well I do things or how friendly, sincere and caring I can be, it seems I'm getting kicked from all directions. The survival mode that I went into almost immediately upon arrival in this country has taken over and instead of reminding myself that I'm worth so much more, I'm in a perpetual state of readiness for the next disaster.
I'm not sure how you get out of this state short of an epiphany or as alcoholics call it "moment of clarity". I had such an epiphany earlier this week when I realised that the company that I work for, with all of it's "family" values has decided that I'm not worth caring about. I have never mentioned my company's name as I have a great deal of respect for the people I work with. They are without a doubt some of the most genuine, kind and wonderful people that I have met throughout my 32 years of living. This is why I am finding this so completely soul destroying.
I made a mistake a month or so ago and was reprimanded with a final warning. I've never had a warning in my life so it was pretty distressing to me. I apologised for my mistake and meant every word. Hands up if you've ever made a mistake? Every person reading this should have their hands up about now. Did I intentionally go out to make a mistake? No. Did I take responsibility for my actions? Yes.
And yet, my company whom I have worked for vigilantly, honestly, and completely loyally have decided that my dedication and extra efforts are no longer required. To all intents and purposes all of the hard work has been overlooked by one mistake. The family run company was taken over by a bigger corporate company and there seems to be distress over the company straying away from it's roots. If that were the case, they would be fighting harder to keep the people that truly care about holding legacies left by a guy who had a dream of running his own family store.
The option I've been given is to be demoted and go part time. This is not any kind of option for me as I'm here alone and part time does not cover my bills let alone allow me to live. I have the option of getting a second job and running myself into the ground in that same survival mode ("Get her done" mode) or taking part time and seeing if I can get extra shifts in other departments which, again I'm not a stranger to.
There is however a third option that I'm beginning to see more clearly. To accept that I'm smarter than these options. To accept that I'm not a horrible person. To accept that I'm worth more. In short, to start paying attention to everyone I know who cares about me who tells me these things all the time to have me not hear them or better still not listen.
With a large IQ on my side you'd have thought this would have occurred to me earlier, but when it's a case of listening to my head rather than my heart I tend to fall flat.
I am a great people person, I have qualities and skills that most would find difficult to duplicate over the course of their lifetime and that's thanks to what I've learnt from others. I need to learn to look at my qualities and not my flaws (that's a Virgo thing too). I am an asset to any company that hires me and though I may not always be right and may make the odd mistake (like all of us do from time to time) there is no malice, no pre-occupation to cause distress and no predetermined act to create mischief or cause upset to anyone or anything.
I'm a happy person in a not so pleasant world that sneers and looks down on my willingness to accept others from whatever background wherever that background may be and not judge. I have no room for judgement. The whole "my shit don't stink" attitude is so hypocritical as we've all done things we're not proud of.
I'm working on it...the whole stardust theory. We're all made of it. Those who are lucky will find a way to keep shining and not burn to ashes. Those who are lucky will lift up and float in a sky full of stars and never look back. Hope is stardust, dreams are stardust and I still have both.......
