Flight Attendant Steve: You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: Oh, you can't get any where in three seconds!
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, you better try.
Annie: You're setting me up for a loss already.
I know what you're going to say...you're going to tell me that you though I'd been mauled to death by a grizzly bear in the wilderness, or perhaps drafted into the Canadian army and fighting in high heels somewhere across the world where they do not have Internet or blog sites.
To some degree I did kinda fall off the face of the earth this year...what I later found out is that in falling we learn all manner of truths about ourselves...some good and some to put it plainly fucking frightening. So I'm just going to lay it all on the line with this one, you know, warts and all...the gods honest truth. Maybe it will help someone at some point, gosh I can only hope...I'm going to be as honest as I can with you no matter how painful and exhausting it may be for me to re-live it and put it onto my virtual paper. In usual Bridget style, there are always funny moments...but then I'm generally one to laugh first at most occurrences and those who know me well, know that I try not to take life too seriously...
So much has happened this year and I may jump around like Quentin Tarantino and his every so muddled story lines but I'll try not to go off on a tangent.
In order to start, I'll need to tell you what's been happening over the past 5 or 6 weeks. Young Bridget here has moved into the most incredible place...I live on the lake, like, right on the lake. It is just the most incredibly beautiful place, not somewhere I would feel I was worthy of living. I am usually at home with incredibly bad tempered raccoons, noisy taps that when turned make you feel like the whole house is going to cave, a whole cacophony of insects that want to eat you alive and that's not including new evil landlords who's move to Canada was not so much out of a love for the country but perhaps a move simply to piss me off.
These things being said I was happy at my previous home before all of the evil dastardly deeds from 7 year olds who don't seem to want to grow up. So whilst my folks were making their yearly visit, they helped me move into my new place. Apart from a great deal of verbal abuse from the SA landlords and the fact that my folks protected me by keeping their anger silent and the trauma surrounding these events it was a new chapter in my life. I have full time employment as an assistant manager at a grocery store and life seemed pretty good. The picture of almost perfect happiness.
My folks left to go home to the UK and for the next following week I was like a Stepford wife, figuring out furniture, moving everything to where I wanted it, buying things to make it perfect and sitting out on my steps having a smoke and looking out at a view that ultimately made me cry several times. I get very emotional appreciating the little things in life...to you guys out there reading this, probably really happy right now eh ;o)
So imagine my surprise when the following weekend I'm sitting in my beautiful new home crying continuously unable to say why and unable to stop. In my beautiful surroundings I'm crying like a child who just lost their favourite toy (Pengy the penguin was mine) all the time thinking "Cmon Bridge, pull yourself together! Look around you and be incredibly grateful".
The following week at work I notice that people are so grumpy they are unbearable to be around. Completely negative, completely entitled and my tolerance levels become that of a MI5 agent undercover and on crack trying to get to the truth of a secret conspiracy to make caffeine companies part of the new world order...that way, they'd have control over everyone and everything and it would all be legal...mind control at its best ;o)
I begin to start craving fish at this point. Yes it's weird, and let me tell you it's not a British thing. I'm craving vast amounts of fish and nuts...in particular walnuts and canned kippers. At this point in the story, I'd like to say that I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend or partner at this time. There is nothing more unattractive than watching a woman eat 3 tins of kippers and then wolfing down a bag of walnuts. I know my usual style of drinking a great deal, smoking like a chimney, and singing karaoke at the top of my voice is not terribly attractive either but if nothing else it is endearing and I can boast that my voice is worthy of it. I have customers who feel it's funny to try to mimic my voice whilst I'm serving them and instead of laughing it off I'm grimacing the way i did when Keanu Reeves tried to do a British accent in Brams Stokers' Dracula...movie was awesome but I didn't care for his accent at all. You'd think he'd have learnt a bit more Brit in acting school what with Shakespeare and other earthly greats.
So the following weekend I finish at 3.30 on MY Friday, looking forward to chilling out at home, in front of the fire with a nice glass of wine, movie and cat to boot. The cat at this point has picked up on what's going on and is attacking me wherever I go, ignoring me and trying her best to show me her baddest ever EVIL eye. She knew before I did. Once again, I'm crying into my glass of wine unable to stop. My only perception at this point was that my folks had just left and I hadn't been able to see my new nephew yet. Yes, my sister had a baby boy this year! His name is Jack and when I say he's a looker I truly mean he is the most adorable baby I have EVER seen...and not just because he's my nephew. He could be in Calvin Klein adverts he's that charismatic.
For a short while after his birth, I had a fit of jealousy. Sorry sis, but I think you already knew why I hadn't been able to contact you for a few weeks after. My brain was incredibly jealous...all I kept thinking was that I was the older sister and I'd always wanted kids so why does she have one and I don't?? Very childish I know but when you're faced with an eternity to think about such things it starts to wear on you.
So I concluded that my mood was down to these things and that I should just relax....at this point my brain told me that I should get some art supplies and do some art work. I should have known at this stage...I don't do art! I'm utterly crap at it. Singing = amazing, writing = pretty good, poetry = better than pretty good, but art = I can't even draw a stick man and have it accurate or lifelike even in a humorous way! However, I bought supplies and it feels so incredibly relaxing to launch onto a piece of paper with bright colours and create something that I like...even if no-one else would ;o)
I had a good friend round to the house, my first house guest!! He's a truly amazing guy and he brought round Martini's and movies and pizza...it was a great night. We watched Bridesmaids...now, for anyone left on the planet who has not seen it, let me not over exaggerate by telling you that the main character Annie (as pictured above) is me in disguise. I didn't realise until watching this movie how completely fucked up things can get if you don't pay attention. I even commented to my friend how "this is the story of my life right now!"
This went on for a few weeks...the crying, the bad art and the wondering when I would feel okay and it would stop. Then a tragedy struck. I was on Facebook doing my usual rounds and found out that a colleague of mine had died. He was 20 years old and had been involved in a fight that as it turned out was to be deadly. We were not close friends, not the type that see each other all of the time. We worked together and always related and had a laugh when we saw each other. I'm pretty sure that it was this night that my brain malfunctioned. It was the last straw to the relative weirdness that had ensued beforehand. It made me look at my own mortality, my own life and how it was playing out. The guy was an amazing guy and I'm so glad that he had been to Thailand months earlier to travel and do what he had wanted to do.
My brain didn't only malfunction that night. It was trapped in a vortex spiralling downwards into god only knows what. It split in two - like a badly dubbed Bruce Lee movie (which by the way, If I ever made one I would ask Russell Peters to voice for me). One side of my brain was talking to me and trying to comfort me, the other was like an Italian gangster trying to dislodge any positives in my life...Yoo, yoo? Who the hell are yoo? ya think anyone wants to be round a loser like yoo? It really would be better if yoo weren't here yoo...
It got so bad that half of my mis-firing brain had already decided that life was over. I was barely able to block out the images coming from the evil twin in my brain. I was amazed at what I was listening to and even more amazed that it was coming from inside my brain. I'm Bridget! Things have always been fun and positive in my life. Yes, I've dealt with plenty of traumas and dramas but no more or less than others, so where was this coming from??? I begin to drink more and more that night to drown out the evil twin in my brain as I reeled myself through pictures of my friends last trip to Thailand on Facebook. In defiance my good half set up Pay It Forward Canada on Facebook as I wanted to make sure the good outweighed the bad. By the time I went to bed, all I could hear was the evil twin. I remember writing something on a blank sheet of paper, pinning it to the fridge and going wearily to bed.
When I woke up, I felt so completely awful I didn't want to get up. Half hungover, half mortality check into the awful voices in my head. They had not dissipated either. But still I got up and went to make a cup of tea. When i got to the fridge, i could barely remember writing the note but saw it there as plain as the day. "GET A GRIP" . I thank my better demons for writing it to me. It was at this point that I realised my sub-conscious had been trying to tell me something for weeks. At that very second having turned on the TV an advertisement came on as if fated for me to see. The thing with depression is that it sneaks up on you and you never see it coming.
I did a few tests online and with the results prevalent, thought about the actualities of the previous nights rants. I'm educated enough to know when I have a problem and wise enough to admit it. On the one hand I could go to a doctor who will tell me that my body is not producing enough serotonin to cope and that I need to be put on pills for the rest of my unnatural life. On the other, I researched into diets that help to aid the production and this is the route I'll be taking. One of the many things on these sites was that when depressed the body isn't getting enough Omega 3 (fish) or potassium and zinc (nuts)!! I know its pretty risky and I'll have bad days but all the while my good brain is still talking to me, I know that I stand a chance of feeling and getting better.
I can't tell you why this has happened. I live a good life here in the most beautiful place on earth. I know that not having family around has been a factor. That being alone for over 3.5 years has contributed. Finding my soulmate and not being able to be with him is tragic. Nothing has been particularly easy for me and really, I'm not asking for leniency on that scale. Everyone has different issues all around the world. I don't want it to be easy just not quite so hard. I know that all my brain was waiting for was that last little straw. I also however know that every feeling I've had since being here has been genuine, every comment I've made has been heartfelt and every friendship has been golden. I have never once regretted the amazing and somewhat brave move that I made in June 2008. The people that I have met, the kindest generosity that I have encountered, the beauty and true greatness of the north...it makes me feel tearful feeling how privileged I am at this moment...and I didn't even mention my love of the Canucks!!!!! Holy shit, where in gods green earth would you catch me enjoying hockey!!!! I love them with their icy cold hockey matches that warm up with the passion of the game ;o) Especially Kelser prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............
It's hard to admit...I'm not only British, but a Virgo too (incapable of asking for help) so if any of you are asking why I didn't call and chat about this, you know very well why. I'd rather go through a marathon of really bad Woody Allen movies (all of them in my opinion, none of them are really that good or funny...whats all the hype about really????)
The trick of it all is to be in tune with your body, to be in tune with what you want and don't waste any opportunity to be happy and live it to the fullest!! I think if I'd not been as hopeful as I am...I wouldn't even be here right now. Christmas has been an awful time what with the malfunctioning evil twin sat on my shoulder but the people that have mattered have really tried to help me feel welcome and I truly thank my new landlords and my great great friend....what you said Christmas night made sense K and I had a wonderful night talking with you about it all. You will always be a great friend xx
To everyone else out there, I don't know what the future holds for the New Year, but I wish you all the best and promise a whole great deal of writings from me, your slightly unhinged British lunatic..your friend, forever, Bridget I'm still here, I'm still Bridget, I'm still breathing and as long as I am you always have a great friend in me xxx
