Bridget's Year: 2010 - The Year of the Roadblock...Pt 1

It's been a while people, I mean, 3 months without posting is sacrilege! I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time! Anyway, welcome to my slanted and invariably rocky summary of the year. I have named 2010: The year of the Roadblock. Not monkey, or horse or whatever other bloody animal they're using. This is a completely honest run down on my life in 2010....

So I didn't meet Johnny Depp and have him fall madly in love with me, nor did I have Simon Cowell stumble across my voice whilst visiting the island and offer me a recording contract on the spot. I didn't win the Lottomax and I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize for my writing skills. However, some personal soul searching was done throughout this year and it's made me realise just who I really am...and you know what?? I'm pretty bloody stunned at what I found.

This year hasn't been without its up and downs, non-starters, rushing ins and completely fuck-wit moments and it's not really any different to any other year in that respect...other than at the start of the year, I promised myself to be positive and that "this year, THIS year I was going to have a great year and begin to move forward with my life". This is why I HATE New Years Eve...so much expectation for the start of a new year...so much pressure on having the perfect year that of course it's going to end up below expectations and really piss you off.

The year started off with a bang (no, not that kind you saucy thing!) and I was promoted in my job. I felt sure that this was the turning point of my life and a really great start to the New Year.

So I started in my new job and decided to buy a reliable car to make sure that I wouldn't have any car issues commuting. Two months in and my brand new car (first new car ever might I add) got hit by a 60ft truck leaving the parking lot of my workplace! This let me know that I was truly fucked on the Karma scale of good things a' happening. It still isn't fixed and is a constant reminder of why you should never feel too smug about your life being good around the New Year.

I've been on some dates this year...all have been complete disasters. I know what you're thinking now, and I SWEAR I have been really positive going on them and not in the slightest bit flaky. It certainly was not through lack of trying on my part that they did not gain any momentum from just being "dates" to "something else". I seem to be completely hopeless at anything that even remotely relates to my love life. A few dates, a few crushes and an attachment to someone special where the circumstances are sure to lead me to total heartbreak (a state I have felt too often before)...but that's another story, one that I will NOT be sharing so don't even ask. I REALLY REALLY suck at this...probably why I'm still single, as well as living life as a hermit AKA Crazy Cat Lady.

On the upside of my love life...I have had some wonderful times with my new BOB's and truly believe that my calling would be "vibrator tester". Not a title that one would want to put out on a resume but it's a fuck of a lot of fun. In the New Year I will be writing to some of the manufacturers and asking if I can be first to try out new products and in return will offer reviews for said products...something to do in my time off work (so to speak, ahem...). NB - If any manufacturers of such items happen to read this blog, I'm very skilled in testing your products and you can reach me at 1-800-ORGY-4ME.

I have consistently come up against roadblocks this year. It doesn't matter how completely positive I've been in all aspects of my life. Roadblocks in my work life, love life, social life...It's like March/April time on the roads where all local municipalities have to use up there funding by the end of the year so they get the same cash again for the following year...what do they do?..road maintenance, all at once, on every road. Slows down all vehicles. There's a really crass pun somewhere about travelling on the highways of life but I think it's a fucking given right?

My cat finally had her much anticipated operation. Perhaps now I will not have to suffer the incessant humping of furniture, doors or body parts and the wailing much like that of a porn star getting DP. I'm very pleased she's fixed and I'm sure as soon as February (on-heat) time comes around she will be too.

I've learnt many many lessons this year. The most important is that "to be enlightened is to lighten up"...Hey, If I wasn't laughing so hard at myself I'd be laughing at you so be thankful. I've learnt more about who I am as a person in one year than I have in 30 odd years.

I'm a tough cookie...and the more you throw at me the more I come back fighting. I can handle the worst of the worst as long as it doesn't relate to my love life (weak spot right there) and I'll keep on fighting for everything I believe in and not sell out to the highest bidder for anyone. A very good friend summed it up. One day I said to her "I just don't know why it's me, you know, who continues to get all the shit all of the time?" She replied "Because you've got strong shoulders and you can carry the load"...you know what, I think she's right...even if she does lick my till ;o)

I realised this year that I have a great deal of compassion for the people in my life. This year has brought me a great many good friends that I'm so bloody fortunate to have met. They are not fair weather friends and I know that no matter where I am, or what happens in the future they will be there through thick and thin with me.

Despite my previous mis-conceptions about myself, I finally realised that I am high on life and I warrant most of this to living amongst kind hearted people living in a spectacular place. I NEVER take my home here on the island for granted. Every sunrise, every sunset, every weather condition, every road that I travel down, every mountain that I cross....it's all so breathtaking that it blows me away every time.

I am not making any New Years Resolutions...For starters that would imply that I have drastic changes to make and I decided I don't need to change a thing about myself (well...other than the rather large bouncy behind and a few extra pounds that could be burnt off by obtaining a sex life). Another thing is that a resolution is "resolute" which suggests extra stress and pressure at the beginning of the year...just what you need really!

I am going to state that in the New Year....I will continue to be as giving as I can be, have as much fun as I can in all aspects of my life, treat others as I would wish to be treated, and continue my quest to learn as much as I can about the world and it's inhabitants which helps provide me with more tolerance for things I do not understand. I will of course be trying to hook up with Johnny Depp and get a record deal from Simon Cowell as always...

Stardust and Ashes........

Things are not good right now... that's to say that if I was sucked into a wormhole in time and space on a continuous loop of all the mistakes I've made through my life, it would be marginally better than it is right now.

There's a great deal going on in Bridget's world at the present time and if I was a lesser person I'd be saying bollocks to it about now. Unfortunately I'm not a lesser person and apparently I'm a sadist too for all the pain and hardship I continue to endure on a daily basis.

I'm sorry to not have written a blog for so long as it really helps me gain perspective on what's going on in my own head.

Let's start by saying that my parents visited a few weeks ago. They brought with them my favourite aunt and uncle whom I've not seen in a long long time. It was a great pleasure to see them and the time off that I had was great. To tell you the truth, I really needed a break from the gruelling routine that I've found myself living by. It's sort of silly really that I should require a break from what should be the most satisfying and liberating lifestyle you could get.

I'm feeling low at the moment. I loved having my family here to visit but it was when they returned home that I realised how completely and utterly alone I actually am. I have made some of the most terrific awe inspiring friends and I don't wish to offend them by saying I'm alone. However, when it comes down to it, that's how it is.

Right now it feels like my dreams, made of stardust are burning themselves out and turning to ash and no matter how hard I try, how well I do things or how friendly, sincere and caring I can be, it seems I'm getting kicked from all directions. The survival mode that I went into almost immediately upon arrival in this country has taken over and instead of reminding myself that I'm worth so much more, I'm in a perpetual state of readiness for the next disaster.

I'm not sure how you get out of this state short of an epiphany or as alcoholics call it "moment of clarity". I had such an epiphany earlier this week when I realised that the company that I work for, with all of it's "family" values has decided that I'm not worth caring about. I have never mentioned my company's name as I have a great deal of respect for the people I work with. They are without a doubt some of the most genuine, kind and wonderful people that I have met throughout my 32 years of living. This is why I am finding this so completely soul destroying.

I made a mistake a month or so ago and was reprimanded with a final warning. I've never had a warning in my life so it was pretty distressing to me. I apologised for my mistake and meant every word. Hands up if you've ever made a mistake? Every person reading this should have their hands up about now. Did I intentionally go out to make a mistake? No. Did I take responsibility for my actions? Yes.

And yet, my company whom I have worked for vigilantly, honestly, and completely loyally have decided that my dedication and extra efforts are no longer required. To all intents and purposes all of the hard work has been overlooked by one mistake. The family run company was taken over by a bigger corporate company and there seems to be distress over the company straying away from it's roots. If that were the case, they would be fighting harder to keep the people that truly care about holding legacies left by a guy who had a dream of running his own family store.

The option I've been given is to be demoted and go part time. This is not any kind of option for me as I'm here alone and part time does not cover my bills let alone allow me to live. I have the option of getting a second job and running myself into the ground in that same survival mode ("Get her done" mode) or taking part time and seeing if I can get extra shifts in other departments which, again I'm not a stranger to.

There is however a third option that I'm beginning to see more clearly. To accept that I'm smarter than these options. To accept that I'm not a horrible person. To accept that I'm worth more. In short, to start paying attention to everyone I know who cares about me who tells me these things all the time to have me not hear them or better still not listen.

With a large IQ on my side you'd have thought this would have occurred to me earlier, but when it's a case of listening to my head rather than my heart I tend to fall flat.

I am a great people person, I have qualities and skills that most would find difficult to duplicate over the course of their lifetime and that's thanks to what I've learnt from others. I need to learn to look at my qualities and not my flaws (that's a Virgo thing too). I am an asset to any company that hires me and though I may not always be right and may make the odd mistake (like all of us do from time to time) there is no malice, no pre-occupation to cause distress and no predetermined act to create mischief or cause upset to anyone or anything.

I'm a happy person in a not so pleasant world that sneers and looks down on my willingness to accept others from whatever background wherever that background may be and not judge. I have no room for judgement. The whole "my shit don't stink" attitude is so hypocritical as we've all done things we're not proud of.

I'm working on it...the whole stardust theory. We're all made of it. Those who are lucky will find a way to keep shining and not burn to ashes. Those who are lucky will lift up and float in a sky full of stars and never look back. Hope is stardust, dreams are stardust and I still have both.......

Do I have scales??? All singles do you know...

Guest at Party: "Yes, Why is it there are so many unmarried women in their 30's now then Bridget?"
Bridget: "Oh I don't know.....suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our whole bodies are covered in scales...."

It's at that point that I turn round and say "Have you got fat or are you pregnant....again?" Let's just talk about something else shall we...

People often annoy me. Not in a serious way but in a way that stimulates my lesser qualities needs for mischief. So when faced with questions as to why I'm single AND in my 30's I often decide to play devious.

Some retorts to those conversations: -

* Well, I don't seem to have much time for it when most of my time is made up of Devil worshipping and Delia Smith's home cooking recipes.

* I'm just waiting for the right girl to come along and whisk me off my feet.

* I'm too wasted on Meth and Ouzo to care most of the time.

* Didn't your husband tell you? I felt sure he would as he told me that he would stand by me...

It's like the most exclusive club you can hope to be in without hoping to be in it. The couples club.

Usually I try not to retaliate. I smile and laugh and join in the conversation remembering that I am NOT yet a Stepford wife with buttons instead of a brain.

They flock in pairs, chittering (chatting and twittering) amongst the others in their pride about useless things that don't concern me and expect ME to be on trial for my choices??

They seem to think that I'm single because I haven't got my shit together or I have some sort of serious flaw but truthfully THEY couldn't be more wrong. The last 5 years have been somewhat crucial in my decision making process and instead of jumping into "the collective" I've decided to come to peace with myself first. Take care of myself, you know. *placates the angry gods by flogging herself with birch branches to the soothing sounds of chuch bells*

It's only when you take a time out that you see what you need to do and where you need to be. For me that is not discussing how the neighbour's house colour diminishes the look of the street, or how "beige" is in this year, or what family car hold the most fuel efficiency, or how so-and-so looks so awful now her husband left her.

I find that the collective forget to check out the smaller more insignificant things that would spark my interest but as a couple they feel embarrassed to be...well...simply themselves. It's funny how you spend your life wanting to be in a relationship with someone and then the other half wishing you hadn't.

On the upside of singledom, I can go where I please, when I please, I can wear what I like without having judgement thrust upon me. I can spend my days off how I want, where I want, and my evenings singing or writing or watching movies and TV. In essence, I am free to do whatever the fuck I want to.

On the downside, I do it alone.

The alternative however is far more horrifying. Getting paired up just for the sake of it...you know who you are. Can you imagine? If I were to try to do that I would probably end up with a drug dealing hippy who likes listening to Joe Cocker in his underpants whilst watching Jeopardy and living in a trailer park eating Doritos by the truck load.

Someone once told me that to know yourself inside and out is to be truly alive and I have to agree. If you know yourself well enough anything is possible and anything can and invariably will happen.

I'm not against couples at all. In fact, I'd love to be in one. But for me it has to be the RIGHT one. Not just a half hearted decision to be with someone. Been there done that. In truth, even at 31, I've made some of the most dreadful relationship mistakes EVER...

* Dated a guy who was in to feet..eeeewww
* Guy who was into serious drugs
* Guy who tried to drown me in a hot tub and almost succeeded
* Girl with psychotic tendencies
* Guy who liked to beat up girlfriends when he got angry
* Guys (plural) who did not want to commit
* Guy who was obsessive and overbearing

And many more...So you can see that I want to do it right next time round. Yes, I know..and I've psycho-analysed it all myself and I know now what went wrong with my choices of the past. I didn't like or respect myself enough. That's the truth. I always felt inadequate both in looks and personality. It's not my parents fault. I had a great childhood. It's something more than that.

I now know who I am and I'm fine with it to a point. I've never considered myself particularly attractive. I see great beauty each and every day (in people and things) and I don't think I've ever been able to compare myself to anything that amazing. It's another of my self-preservation psyches. I'd far rather just admit that I'm not terribly attractive but I make up for it in personality instead. To each their own and my abundance is clear to me. Funny and interesting over pretty, sounds okay to me.

So couples of the world, be kind. Us singles don't sit there wallowing. We sit with hope that we may find someone of our choosing and not because "you say so". We don't sit in the dark listening to Celine Dion (almost threw up a bit there) or singing crazy love ballads (unless it's Nat & Stitch's Karaoke night) whilst plowing our way through 6 litres of Haagen Dazs. We don't eagerly await Celebrity Love Island on TV or watch those shitty "made for TV" movies.

We are actual people with actual lives that are filled with a great deal of happiness, just like you. So next time we meet, don't be so quick to label us as the "monster under the sea". Smug couples finish last, didn't you know?.....

Sponsored by : Lonely Singles Suicide Hotline Tel: 1-800-JUST-JUMP or email us at www. losers-are-us.tv

There's something out there.....

There are all kinds of things that you and I cannot explain out there and I used to think that this was generally confined to the paranormal...You know...ghosts, UFO sightings, government conspiracies, the popularity of the movie "Titanic" and the singer Celine Dion and the likes.

It occurs to me however that we should also be looking closer to home. The human condition itself...living, breathing, walking and talking are singularly not incredibly complex when you look at it, but when placed together with other humans doing the same thing something quite amazing can occur.

Sometimes you can feel it...the electricity in the air. If I walk into work and the place is on a downer I feel it to the point where it hurts... So, I go the opposite way and try to lift it. It's empathetic to me to work for the collective which in turn works for me. If they're happy, I'm happy. I have incredible social survival skills which allow me to tune in to what "the collective" needs to get the job done which therefore also fulfills my need. To some this may be called "pandering" or "kissing arse" to others it may be management skills, to some a new age theorem long since dead. It's all the same to me....a requirement to be met.

It's a singular purpose brought together by multiple ideals that I'm talking about and it's quite magical. Not in the Harry Potter teenage angst way but in the "Why does an object do the things it does?" kinda way. It fascinates me. Human psychology itself hangs in the balance of ideals made by the collective rather than one singular cell or organism and yet it takes a couple of solid ideas from singular brains to devise a collective.

No...I haven't been smoking pot...Just very philosophical today. I'm a social philanthropist who has a systematic weakness of empathy and I guess I picked that up from life's little journeys thrown at me in a very random and curious manner.

What sparked off this post???...I can understand connections made when people are face to face. You know, finishing someones sentences is something that doesn't happen too often but DOES happen. Why? Body language, a clear purpose of conversation and meaning, and a like minded personality.

Today, a friend continued a conversation by Facebook without any hints, gestures or pre-determined efforts on my part and without me even having pieced together sub-text in my own thoughts of why I'd posted a picture on my page, I didn't even realise until later...Is that even possible?? Face to face, yes. Over the magical interweb?? I did not know that was even possible.....

I think it's safe to say that we are all far more connected than we realise or choose to see. When forming bonds, we sub-consciously choose people who are similar to ourselves. Whether it be intellectual affirmation (background, language, commonality of beliefs) or physical ( height, eye colour, posture, gestures), we choose with a singular purpose... to meet our expectations and needs (Maslow's hierarchy of needs).

I sound like a mad scientist right now and I don't mean to but I'm typing whilst my thought process allows so bear with me.

It's pretty cool really. To think that your life is surrounded by a pre-requisite of like minded people with a common strength is pretty spectacular. You may not be able to quantify it like you can looking at the moon and stars or seeing a new life emerge but it's what we don't see that should also make us wonder and impress us.

The close bonds that we form in any instance are the one's to wonder at. How someone else can "get" us is pretty much what it's all about. So for those of you who are huge "facebook friend" collectors....How many of those people that you added actually really KNOW YOU?? How many contact you on a regular basis with more than a "cute pic" remark?? Why not have a spring clean of your collection and sort the "friends" from the "not so much". It's not a status symbol to have 875 facebook friends in fact, on the contrary, that would suggest to me that you don't know yourself well enough to know who your real friends are.

We're all kinda like onions......*reeling at how immature and uneducated that one sounds*...peeling back the layers of our lives is what we do when we get to know each other. The layers can be barriers, containing traumatic events and horrors which we'd sooner forget than have someone try to cut through. They can be like protective shields that secure us in our own skins and stop us from feeling enormous hurt from past and present. It's only our needs that keep the barriers there. The good stuff spills out automatically because we don't fear it.

When we feel at ease, we help to peel back a layer and in turn let something of ourselves release into the ether, helping us to move forward. I never realised that about myself until now. Like most people, I've built barriers around the complexities of life which I choose to forget and felt that I was inevitably protecting my arse from any serious harm in doing so.

As far as friends go, I stay true and loyal to my close friends and anything after close friends can wait in line for my allegiance.

The human condition and circumstance IS a wonder of the world. Lets try to use part of our busy schedule during the day to re-connect with those we are closest to. Being independent isn't enough. It's great until you realise that once again your sitting at home, alone with your cat (crazy cat lady scenario) or a TV show you care nothing about...

And in case you were wondering, Confucius say " Listen to Bridget...And your life will be full of joy...."

Mall Cops...Think they're S.W.A.T - They're NOT..!

Warning....this is a rant. In case you're thinking that this is going to be one of those fluffy feely blogs with a heart rendering conclusion it's far from it. Insert evil laugh here "Mwah ha ha ha....".

So just the other day I was walking to work and smoking on my way as I generally do. Out of nowhere (literally) this Mall cop stops me and this is how the conversation went.......

MC: Hi.

Nat: Hi.

MC: You're not supposed to be smoking on the sidewalk.

Nat: Oh?

MC: You'll have to move it and walk past the yellow line.

Nat: But that would be walking in the road.

MC: Yes, please move past the yellow line or extinguish your cigarette.

Nat: But what if I get run over in the road? Is it okay for me to sue the mall?

MC: I can't answer that but you need to move past the yellow line miss if you want to continue smoking.

Nat: No-one has ever told me that I can't smoke on the sidewalk and I don't see any signs posted.

MC: I'm telling you now.

Nat (in her mind): Whatcha gonna do mall cop? You gonna get on your little walkie talkie to your other mall buddies eh? Give them some action eh? Rough me up a bit hmmm? Tell all your other buddies at the Mall Cop Annual Convention that you had some serious shit going down at the mall and had to be serious tough guys? You wanna go home and email people about how tough you are beating on an English girl huh?? huh? well do ya?????

Some people get seriously retarded when given too much power and these "RCMP rejects" are no different. They walk around, sorry strut around, wearing a uniform that is simply inappropriate for their day to day tasks. It looks like if we had the next world war they would be more prepared than cockroaches and survive any nuclear explosions with that amazing "stronger than Kevlar" vest.

I'm truly surprised that they don't have cans of mace, cuffs and batons at their side in case of any serious mall offenses such as dropping litter, spitting on the sidewalk or shoplifting occur. Terribly dangerous stuff. I'm wondering how a neanderthal would conduct an interrogation of some unsuspecting fool who just walked through the exit instead of the entrance...would they be banned from the mall entirely??

Here are the requirements that need to be met even before they will look at your resume in order to become a mall cop. You Need:

1. An astronomical sense of self belief..you know, like those cocky people who think they can sing but can't on American Idol and everyone's laughing AT them rather than with them.

2. They have to be living with their mothers - it's a must. Who else is going to pack their lunches?

3. They're the only people that have those fantasy statuettes of naked women holding swords in leather g-strings.

4. Have the Bruce Lee Ultimate Fighters Movie Collection along with their very own set of custom made nunchucks.

5. Have a full years subscription to an online dating service.

6. Have the soundtrack to Roadhouse in their vehicle.

7. Have NOT completed any source of education which means they will do exactly what mall services want them to do...you know, like zombies or better still robots. They don't have souls you see, no emotions.

8. Carry a reasonably inexpensive Maglite to show use of ingenuity and lethal force if required.

If you ever see them in action, they're like "real cops" fluffing round (just made that word up - sounds cool doesn't it) looking important and trying to look serious yet strangely without the powers of detainment.

I wonder why that is???

Probably because they failed the psych test for the cops or weren't fit enough (all those donuts and McD's from the food court eh). Besides if you really think about it, other than a few small infractions, what would they possible do all day except tell people off which let's face it we all got enough off when we were younger.

I really don't need some overweight, understudied oaf telling me where I can and can't walk, smoke or park. Next it will be telling me where and when I can breath or whether I'm permitted to do a no.1 or no.2 in the restroom. Jerks.

Angel...by Me :o)

Wake of the Immortal....Prologue

Prologue

I felt numb...almost transfixed with fear that this was it - this was the defining moment of my life, the moment that this incredible and beautiful creature could walk out of my life forever.

Would he walk away, never to project his overwhelming darkness – my light - over my dreams, never touch my hand with the electricity and fire that I had felt many times before, never to appear in front of me again?

The incredible draw I felt in his presence and the feeling of helplessness in what could come to pass in these few moments both terrified me and captivated me whilst I waited for the most pivotal outcome of my life so far. I was deep in his power, mesmerized and bound to him in ways I had never dreamed possible. Every limb, every muscle in my fragile mortal body screamed at me to run far away but I was frozen to the spot.

I knew that the fight in me was over. It was futile to resist because any such resistance would be met with a brutal promise of pain and suffering. Here he was – perfect, both in body and mind. He was my life and I already knew that any existence without him would be tortuous at best, but inevitably would be the very death that I would so crave if he was gone.

I tried to breath but the air that passed into my lungs stung and burnt my chest from the inside out. I had never looked at breathing as such an integral part of existing. I struggled with the concept so much because we take the air that we breathe for granted. We sub-consciously breathe in and out without any thought process. Without thinking, without moving, it’s there. In and out, in and out.

It had only been a short time since he’d spoken, words of which I had no understanding of, shared no meaning, held no significance to me but had frightened me to my very core.

“I can’t do this anymore” his honey smoothed voice had echoed with an edge that I could neither comprehend nor did I wanted to.

I had since stood facing him, not moving an inch for fear that it would prompt him to speak again to clarify his elusive thoughts, thoughts that I did not know if I wanted to hear or could stand to.
I knew that this silence could not go on forever and sucked in a deep breath to prepare for what would be the shattering of my universe and every detail within.

It wasn’t until I felt a deep cold encroach upon the back of my neck that I realised in my terror to ignore what was going on I had failed miserably with the breathing issue. One of his hands held my waist tightly, possessively, whilst the other was gently cradling the back of my neck as his eyes sought mine. This hardly helped the matter. His eyes were one of the traps that I had always tried to avoid in order to keep my breath paced and even.

“Breathe, will you please breathe Grace?” He ordered tersely. I could not yet tell whether his tone was anxious for my own protection, or rather from his irritation.

I gathered my thoughts intent on not looking into his eyes and focused on the few wisps of air that I could draw from the warm humid night. Little by little, air flowed into my lungs and filled me with the life force that I needed to re-gain composure. His hand slipped from my neck and was now making its way gently down my arm to my elbow as if to steady me further. The hairs stood up on my skin with the electric pulsing through me from his feathery light touch.

I heard him sigh softly, barely audible and knew that this was far from over. The ordeal had not even begun for either of us. There was I, not having contemplated that my lack of oxygen had only stalled the moment. It was inevitable, coming rapid and steadfast as if nothing could slow it, nothing could hinder it.

He waited for what seemed like a lifetime, though it probably would not feel that way to him having been around for a great deal longer than I, to continue.

“Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be” he issued softly with a hint of defeat to his voice.

I felt my pulse race and the second wave of paralysis kicked in. I knew I had to do it. I had to assess him and the only way I would be able to do that was to look at him, his face, those eyes. I needed to see if he was seeing me through the ice cold glare of a killer, a vampire, stony and indifferent or through the unfathomable deep emotional eyes of the immortal angel I had come to recognise within him.

I lifted my head with my eyes shut tight until I felt able and then opened them. My face was within inches of his which took me by surprise. I think it was a visible shock as within a split second his face had recoiled slightly from mine but he didn’t dare motion too far from me. I could still feel the remnants of his cool temperature in the space between us.

His face as pale as the glow from a full moon and his eyes that, even in the dimly lit night sparked of emerald green made my uneven breath catch. To coin a much used phrase that is all too often said but I think rarely ever used in the right context, I could have died and gone to heaven in that short moment. If indeed I had believed in such a place, for there was no such place unless he was living within it.

My eyes could not leave his face. I was transfixed, held there without any knowledge of time passing and almost forgot the reason why I had needed to look there in the first place. Then it came to me as I looked more closely. His expression hadn’t changed this whole time. He was trying to be careful but it was not without its peril for him for I was able, as usual, to decipher every muscle that formed in his perfect face.

He was trying for collected, perhaps detached, or even indifferent or perhaps all three but his eyes gave him away. They held a deep sadness. Even through the near perfect shades of emerald greens that formed around his pupil, the very depths of his soul were laid out for me to see. I felt like an intruder in that moment, searching his very soul through those perfect windows. Every emotion expressed within them was plain and visible and the emotion of the moment was that of pure sadness and loss.

Without warning he suddenly jerked back, his face turned so that I could no longer see him, see his soul. His back straightened as if to clarify and obtain purpose. And here it was. Fright overtook me in the shadows of the night and it was then that I realised a strange truth. Even though I feared his words, I did not fear him. I never had been fearful of him, not even when I had found out what he was. It seemed like a lifetime ago now.

He turned back to me his eyes closed tightly as if he was trying to find something, anything that would make this moment drift by without any consequence to his actions. Quietly he spoke, his words filled with gentleness even though the subject matter did little to appease his furrowed brow.

“I can’t see that this is the right thing for you” he offered. His eyes opened as he continued “I’m nothing that is good in the world and everything that is bad. I’m not who you think and even if I were, what could I offer to you that would be nearly enough of what you deserve from the world? You deserve happiness and light, not darkness and despair. It would be selfish of me to ask you to live that way for me when there are so many other possibilities stretched out in front of you. I can’t and won’t make you miserable” he paused just for a moment and then added with reluctance “and that’s exactly why I need to leave”.

And there it was. The punch line. The heart of the matter. Although I had tried to mentally prepare for the moment, it surprised me how hard it had struck my gut despite the way it had been so gently administered. It was like a wave had pulled my feet from under me knocking me into the swell of the blackest ocean, unaccommodating and obstructive as it watched me thrash hopelessly for buoyancy.
“No!” I shouted hopelessly “You can’t...I need...Are you serious?..No please!” I implored.
I suddenly felt a need to grip onto something for fear of losing my balance. My breathing had become erratic yet again and my head was swimming. I stumbled near to the ground as I tried to make sense of what was happening. My legs were trying so desperately not to give up on me but were doing little to aid me physically as they collapsed onto the warm grass.

Once again I felt a cold grip pulling me up from the earth beneath me. One arm held strong around my waist whilst the other scooped my feet from under me pulling me into his arms and tight against his chest.

I could hear the low growl emanate from his chest and felt his torment therein but could not respond as he flew through the park, his legs carrying us both faster than a speeding car along a deserted highway. It felt like a dream state, only barely knowing and comprehending that some part of this night had been real. I closed my eyes as the wind rushed past my face, tangling through my hair and cooling my body temperature which had increased through the hyperventilation.

We began to slow as we neared the alleyway to the back of my home, and motionless as it always felt, he leapt gracefully without difficulty to the veranda which was at least 4 or 5 meters up. As was customary, I had left a key on top of one of the beams above the door. He had always grimaced at the thought, advising me that this was the first place any criminals would look as an easy access into my home. It felt strange that a vampire, an immortal with all the strength of a freight train would think consciously of using a key when he could just as easily break the door from its hinges to enter. And of course, I had invited him so there was no going back, no recourse to uninvited a vampire into my home.

Without any hesitation, he carried me straight to the bedroom and gently laid me down, resting my head on the soft feather pillow. He was out of sight for only a second before he re-appeared with a large blanket. He covered me gently tucking the sides underneath me with due care and concern. Although my eyes had opened they were still not focused properly on my surroundings. I felt the softness of the pillow against my face and began to relax into it. I did not realise that I was still pleading with him until my ears stopped ringing and I could hear the sound of my own voice. “You can’t leave me, you can’t go...Please!”.

I felt his wonderfully cold soft fingers pull my hair from my face and then they stroked softly down my cheek. In this moment I was contented and happy for in that one motion I knew that he must feel something for me. Although his heart did not beat, I knew I was the only one his heart would belong to. I managed to steal a quick glance up at him. His eyes were wild with so many emotions – sadness, pain, anger but most of all deep regret. I knew now as I looked into his eyes that this would be the last I saw of him. I wanted to talk him round, wanted to grab hold of him and coax him to stay but the tiredness had won and my pleading voice ceased.

As I watched his eyes in those last few seconds of consciousness, I understood what it was to be completely consumed by someone. How it felt to know that nothing would ever be the same again without them in your life.

“Stay...” I managed to whisper before sinking deeper and deeper into sleep.
I felt cold lips softly graze mine, intensified by his hand gently cupping my jaw and a whisper in my ear “I’ll always be near”. That was the last I remember of my beautiful dark angel...

My name is Grace Webber and this is my story. Don’t be fooled by thinking that I’m anything but ordinary and my story whilst completely extraordinary, is something that would not happen to most. I am the epitome of average and though it may seem completely preposterous that I would be chalking down the events of the past few years so matter of factly, I wanted to collate the information put down in these pages so that I might stare down the realisation of what has transpired.

I am 25 years old and have led a fairly safe sheltered life without mishap or anything remarkable ever having happened that might have shaped my life in anything other than a run of the mill fashion. I live a typical life, not one of much excitement or merit and most certainly as common as any other regular girl of my age.

Living has always been easy for me as I have never been surrounded by much death and certainly no destruction of any kind, and always just existed without questioning how it all works, you know – life, love and the universe. The ideas surrounding existence have never entered my head – Why would they? When you live a life so mediocre it’s not something that you even think to question.

So the story I am about to recall to you will not seem real to you. It will seem farcical and over the top that someone like me would have the good fortune to have made the extraordinary discoveries that have changed my life and the ways in which I view it. But as a warning to those of you who are sceptical, please bare with me as this is a life lesson that you too should learn...

Why I have shares in the Energiser bunny...

See this picture? See the concentration? See the alcohol? That would be me although the alcohol and concentration are not conducive with one another.

So there I was minding my own business, walking down the ice cream freezers filling up my basket with all kinds of weekend badness when a voice behind me said "Can you recommend anything good?".

I was just about to answer with "Do I look like I work in a grocery store?" but turned round and kept it zipped. There was this young guy, attractive and smiling looking hopeful that I would have a genuine answer. I told him to either go for Moosetracks or the Rainbow sherbet sorbet. He smiled again, one of those smiles that makes you feel like a superstar, like you're the only person in the place and nothing else matters.

I think I smiled back for a little longer than was required, probably looked a bit maniacal to tell you the truth and then proceeded to walk into one of the freezer doors whilst walking away...nice. Looked back waiting to see the look of utter disgust and was met with a wholesome laugh and smile instead. Of course others were rolling around with laughter but it didn't seem to bother me.

I walked to the checkout, and started offloading my groceries..oh dear...too much badness there, I should put something back and get something that at least looks the right colour to be healthy. I turned and there he was, smiling and I think checking out my goods, not the groceries.

"Funny we should bump into each other again..." he started and it went from there.

We talked at the line up, we walked outside as he walked me in the general direction of my car and talked there for about another 20 minutes. I was looking at him thinking "He looks normal", "He sounds normal"...so what was wrong with him? Or was there something up with me for thinking that? Was I twisted and jaded about love and relationships or simply over-cautious??

So he asks if I wanted to meet up later for drinks. I think my mouth hit the floor, I'm sure I looked at him with a puzzled expression when he said "Why would you find it so difficult to believe that someone would want to take you out for drinks?". Bridget the crazy cat lady here, maybe he should read my blog.

It was the first time in a long while that I decided to fly on the wings of spontaneity and go with the flow, so I said yes and we arranged to meet up. Turns out, he's 24, really smart, very funny and completely charming. I felt myself being disarmed by this guy, who was completely interested in me, focused on just me. But he lives in Washington...like I've said in my previous blogs, there's always something that throws a spanner in the works. We had a great time and when drinks were over, he swept the hair from my face, kissed me (I almost died it, felt so good) and gave me his cell phone number. He wanted to see me again whilst he was here.

I know me inside and out. I could've done the stupid...I could've said yes. I'd then have the arduous task of falling completely in love with the guy, never seeing him and breaking my heart over it all like I've done so often before with other relationships and the barriers they hold. I didn't. I said that I would keep in touch but that it would be difficult for me to do a long distance thing. He understood.

It may seem that this is a defeatist stance to take but trust me, I know me.

There's a guy I really like right now but yet again, complications galore. We're perfectly matched, share the same views and have this amazingly strong connection. Like when you think you already know someone and you can instinctively tell what someone is thinking.

If it's not distance it's baggage, in a relationship already, too young, too old, bats for the other side, too obsessive, too distant (It's not me, it's you - really? you're going to use that one?) he's a mamma's boy, he likes someone else instead of me, he's an alcoholic, he's violent and so on. I've had them all, trust me.

So where does this leave me? Apart from alone and having a full time relationship with BOB? I'm not kidding about the batteries...

It leaves me wondering if we only have a specific amount of connections that could work and whether I've used mine all up? I don't know anyone who's even remotely interested in me romantically or otherwise and that hasn't happened to me before. There's always been someone who thinks I'm special enough to date. True that they were very possibly axe wielding homicidal maniacs but the thought was there.

Even my cat looks at me like I'm a loser and she's single too so thing are really bad as far as the love life goes.

My problems stem from previous relationships going so horribly wrong. If I like someone I simply won't do anything. I convince myself it somehow feel easier (although it's true torment actually) not to let them know because if they do then it's normally a negative outcome anyways. I don't judge or discriminate about age, race or religion when liking a guy. In fact, generally those things don't even occur to me. I tend to like a person for their soul before anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy person and I love my friends and miss my family, but sometimes having another person to share things with...I miss it more.

Don't take this blog as a downer because it's really not. I find it very cathartic writing through what I'm feeling so that I can understand it more. Understand whats going on. Really.

I guess we're all just searching for that connection, that time when someone likes us "just as we are" and pays attention to us without any hesitation. I got that for a short time today and it was totally worth it.

Be gentle with my heart for it is delicate, if you are able to pierce it's hardened surface, I will look after your heart with ever fibre of my being and our hearts will be strong and beating as one...

A day in the life of Brig, wanton sex goddess.......

So this is one of my more typical days...

Wake up, punch out alarm clock...it's 6.30am on a Saturday for Christ's sake. Trip over cat, go to the coffee maker. Empty out remnants of previous filter and hope that the extra spoonful of caffeine will do the trick and wake me the fuck up.

Trip over cat again..open window so she can sit and get some morning air. Make my way to the bathroom where shower has to be uber hot and trip over the cat again as she sits in with me (dirty perv) to breath the fumes from the shower (sinus issues, I guess).

Finish shower and run naked to the coffee maker where I forgot to put the pot back under before starting it. Clean up mess, still naked realising that it gets light very early these days and my landlord generally gets up early on a Saturday....fuck.

Run quickly into the bedroom and dress in my work uniform. About as sexy as a flannelet night dress. Look in mirror...fuck. Chanel/Dior perfume quick spritz.

First morning smoke. Feel like my lungs are going to collapse. Wonder if my cat would eat me if I died right now and she was unfed for days before anyone came looking? CSI has a lot to answer for...

Turn on TV. See all the shit and disturbances round the world followed by an upbeat story about a girl losing her dog and it finding her of it's own accord. The reporter looks so much more good looking than me....bitch.

Drink second cup of tar thick coffee and now feeling a chance closer to human. Check time 7.21am. Go to computer. Check Facebook, no-one loves me. Check email - mail about a new porn site with free downloads...almost tempted to go back to bed with B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) but haven't got the time. Will make it up later...

Take vitamins (B100 complex is how I can cope with my energy levels people - try it) drink down with yet more caffeine.

Trip over cat again before renewing her food bowl with dry shit that could have been made out of other cats for all I know. Clean out the litter box - How the fuck can such a small creature leave such a ginormous turd??? It's about half her body size WTF?????

Makeup....hair (who the fuck am I kidding..it looks like a bird's nest wet so maybe the windows open in the car will improve that) another smoke. Time check - 7.56am. Good. Close windows. Trip over cat when turning off the coffee pot. She wants me dead.

Lock doors, trip over my own feet going up the steps (loser)...roll on out to fabulous car with huge dent in the side (Trucker - Fucker). MP3 plugged in...good, got tunes, smokes, gas and I'm away. Almost run over Bambi who greet me at the window every morning...with a friend called Thumper are you fucking surprised your mother got shot?

Down the road. Onto the highway. Light first smoke. Amazing views over Mill Bay this time in the morning..and no traffic so can be more relaxed in driving to work.

Hit the first climb of the Malahat. First wanker in a Mercedes passes me when he realises I'm sticking to speed limit. TWAT.

Get to the summit where breathtaking views await me....almost crash my car. Didn't. Second smoke. Windows down...my hair WILL look great.

Get to ascension on Goldstream. Bastard tailgating me. There are two lanes you know. I know where the cops hide you fuck face...that's right overtake me, tosser.

Slow my speed entering Langford. Dance and sing like an idiot when we get to the red lights. Upmarket lady sitting in car obviously doesn't know how to have fun as she sits glaring at me...get a life, cupcake.

Arrive at destination, unscathed and on Fourth smoke of the day. Park on top of parking lot...what a fucking joke people! Check mirror. Hair looks like I'm at a 80's Pat Benetar concert....shit. Smooth it down...no-one will notice. Walk down the stairs wishing I'd skipped fourth smoke. Into work 45 mins early as generally usual. Hi, hi, hi to colleagues as I walk to the bakery to get something to eat. Cheese and onion buns. 9269. Walking to pay, realised that I could collect codes for NASA.

Third coffee. Bit stronger. Time check - 9.02am.

Start work early. Check book of thieves and local miscreants and all the latest IMPORTANT news that I could have guessed for myself. Straight out onto the battlefield of smiles and apologies (when needed). Friend asks me if I did something different to my hair. She noticed. Wondering how bad it actually looks.

Guy walks up and clicks his fingers at me whilst I'm helping bag groceries and says "lottery" in a supercilious tone that makes me want to grab his fingers and put them through the electric pencil sharpener in the back office. I check and the guy got nothing. Score.

Starts to get busier and I get to see some of the wicked cool peeps that I work with. They put up with alot too. I know the urk of the average cashier when it comes to the over zealous over demanding customer.

People off sick. Called round and tried to be as friendly and suave on people's answering machines as I could be. Joke. One person calls back and says they will come in early (Nice one Almighty). In case you're wondering people, that's why we have had to get more staff in.

First break comes around quickly. Smoke numbers 5 & 6. Sit in the sun wishing I'd won the lottery.

Back to it. Fourth time of "Are you Australian?" grate....

Walked down the aisle. Floor log. Deposits from tills.

Bagging for amazing cashiers. Walked to next till where I overhear "So how tall are you? You play basketball son?". Fell about laughing though I tried desperately to conceal it. He gets it about as often as I get the Aussie thing and takes it as mildly. In case you're wondering "No, I'm into Hockey" is the polite answer.

Giggles profusely for about 4 or 5 minutes.

Back to desk. Next wanker in line decides to try to do an English accent by saying the word " Alrighty" and "Love" alot. Doesn't make you any good at the accent loser.

Check hair as going back into the cash office and it now look like I'm a character from "Where the Wild Things Are". Get change. Take to till. Chat with newbies, nice peeps. Extend shifts. One out of six, not bad.

R Key, R Key , R Key...

Speak to my friends. Not happy. We're short people. Extra stress on a Saturday. MY Friday. Decide that Euthanasia should be recommended past the age of 70 to clear line ups.

Time check - 2.43pm. This day is going by quick and for a change, it's my Friday....yey.

Next break, no Reba in the break room for a change...fuck yeah. I changed it to Family Guy when I got in there. People looking miserable....Fuck, it's a grocery store people. You can't be that miserable. If it were a case of national security I might see those glaring unfocused miserable faces but not here. Break over. 2 more smokes consumed.

15 more comments about "Aussie" later decided that I should just admit to being Aussie even if I wasn't. Don't have a criminal record but it might just be bloody worth it. What I really wanted to ask was if "you've ever been outside of Canada, Read anything international instead of local gossip columns or had any outside experience of accents in your life because as far as I'm concerned you're certainly not worldly nor wisely in my pomme opinion you fuckwit".

Gets busy..."R-Key till 9", "Supervisor Till 2", Service desk lined up with refunds, bottle returns, lotto, Courtesy clerks on break at the worst times (not their fault, just the way the cookie crumbles), "CD on till 12", "Front desk line 1", phone ringing off the hook, smokes needed at tills?....and a line of cashiers either going on break or coming back and wanting to know where their going...If you think these people are paid for the glory think again. The lowest paid Super Supervisors, are the ones who help most because they know (right Ed? You know who you are... talked today eh) Low wages but high responsibility. I'd give you a day if I thought you could last that long...

Has a super laugh and joke with my favourite peeps before time check 5.50pm. Checked line ups. Checked to see if any more I could do. Did floor log for hell of it. Wanted to talk with a few friends and didn't get the chance...fuck. I only wanted to say that we were part of an elite bunch of super heroes and just didn't know it yet...McJosh (Mad Murdoch), Ev Almighty (Hannibal), Sir Nicholas (Faceman) Bridget (B.A.Baracus) Fuck yeah.....

Fled to my car. Saturday afternoon 6pm traffic - virtually non- existent. Yes. Stopped in Mill Bay. Liquor store. Thriftys. Gas station. Home. Tripped over the cat coming through the door. She had tried to plan her escape well but did not succeed...meow.

Opened Raspberry cider whilst struggling to hug the cat and take off clothes all at once. Cat still resents me for the earlier trips...biatch.

Showered. Checked FB....Maybe a couple of people love me but will have to step up lovability at some point before we become a spinster (With the "crazy cat lady" image) to make sure that I don't die miserably alone in a face full of Purina One Cat Chow.

Decide after the third cider to check FB again...still no different...fuck. Screw this for a game of soldiers, I'm doing Karaoke. Time check - 8.45pm. Try Miley Cyrus - The Climb, Symbolic but shit, try Yellow Submarine - The Beatles, not pissed enough, try Heart - Stranded, Fuckin perfect.

Time check - 10.45pm dancing around the room to ABBA and Barry Mannilow's "Mandy". Food Eaten - 0, Calories used throughout day - 1000Kcal. Hysteria level provoked through caffeine intake - still 70%.

Chances of nakedness - 56%
Chances of singing to Celine - 10%
Chances of singing to Backstreet Boys 80%
Chances of tripping over the cat 100%
Chances of solving "World Peace" fuck all...
Chances of having a super super Friday (Yes, even without other humans around) 100%
Chances of drunken "cat phone call" to parents - very likely...

So tell me your day, tell me how stressed you are at taking a six hour shift and being five minutes away from work....chances are.....I won't feel quite as brave as you. Bridget, over and out xxxxx LOL

Pay It Forward...Not just a movie...It's a lifestyle

There's an awful amount of scepticism surrounding the idea of paying it forward. I guess I too would be sceptical if I didn't know for a fact that there are people out there willing to treat others as they wish to be treated.

For those who have not seen the movie or hear of the notion here's the brief... If someone is kind enough to do you a favour, no matter how small or how big, you must pass that kindness onto the next person and they in turn do the same thing. Sounds idealistic doesn't it? Sounds like a rose tinted world that doesn't exist?

I'm here to tell you different. On the contrary, it can be a way of life that opens up a whole new mentality, a new thought process, a new line of conscious thinking. If we all did one small thing every day for someone else life would be so much easier and a much better way to live.

A friend of mine writes blogs too and he commented that much of the time people are out for themselves and do not stop to think of others. He's a very gifted writer so you should visit his blog at www.woahrandom.com. He sees the world from a different angle much like me, probably due to his height "hey, how tall are you buddy?" "wow, you must be good at basketball.." (sorry Ev ;o), couldn't resist) and I think much of his insight is due to being different in a weird and wonderful world such as this.

I think that people have the capacity for a great deal of good but they get too caught up in the little things to pay any attention to well, the little things. You don't have to make grand gestures to show that you care about people. You don't have to tell the world that you did something good today. You just need to SHOW up and play your part in the woven tapestries of life.

Make yourself care, go the extra mile. Yeah, so you get hurt of fucked over once in a while but it beats the alternative. A life of selfishness and being so alone internally that you just keep dismantling the very nature of why you were put here in the first place. Being selfless can be a real pain in the ass but at least it doesn't make you a hypocrite. At least you do what you set out to do. Whether you get praised for it or not is not the reason you should be doing these things.

I've had the pleasure of being fucked over royally several times in different situations. Money, work, friendship, and every time I've been knocked down I've always remembered a really good phrase that keeps me focused and determined. "It's not that we fell or how we fell that's important, It's how we pick ourselves up that defines us".

The world can be a tireless place of hatred and anarchy from every angle so if even a few people decided to adopt this nature, it might encourage others to do the same. And the flow of Pay It Forward would continue.

Being empathetic with people's emotions and feelings makes this system ideal for me as I'm acutely aware that I'm not the only one who is suffering at any given time in this world. It makes what I do matter more to me as I would expect the same back. Do I always get it? No. But I have the hopes and dreams of a thousand people which means I simply can't stop trying because it's "too hard" or "no-one cares".

Am I a saint?? Not to any stretch of the imagination. I've done some very irreverent things that I'm totally not proud of but I learnt from them and decided to change the way in which I went about things. If only the politicians of the world could do the same. To change the world, we have to change our perception of it. So instead of thinking that all people are arseholes and wankers, I decided to give everyone a break and not judge. I've never been too judgemental on anyone. I can't afford to be given that I'm by no means perfect.

My mission statement in life is to empathise with people, treat everyone I come into contact with equally and to treat people with the respect they deserve. Does that make me an idiot? Perhaps, but I'm an idiot who knows what's going on in the world. Do I care what people think of my intentions? Not a bit because in the end I know where I'm from, the journey I've taken and am still traversing, and I know who I am. I'm happy with who I am whether someone decides to judge me or not. Like me, hate me or judge me but when the shit hits the fan you can call on me for help.

Life's not about the petty he said/she said scenarios. If you aline yourself with all that shit you miss out on what's really important and what counts.

When life feels like it's treading on you (it happens to me too) remember the amazing scope of possibilities that invariably come your way throughout your life. Remember the amazing times you've had and the ones yet to pass and the small idiocies of life feel incredibly small. The world is a big place, the universe even bigger and it doesn't seem too much to me to pay it forward to someone who might need a leg up.

A kind word can go a long way, as can a smile, a joke, an embrace. In the end it's all about connection. Everything is connected and simultaneously living and breathing. Maybe not always in harmony but we can hope. If the hopes are many, the prayers can be answered as a good hope for the future can evolve into actuality.

So my question to you is what you're going to do with your time here?? How can you impact a life? Two lives? Three? Just simply pay it forward people. Give a shit and you will feel an immense satisfaction in doing so, I promise. I'll keep paying it forward, you do the same.......

Where have all the Superheroes gone?????

We have a new guy that just started work at the store. He's a really nice young guy but when I first saw him he reminded me of Luke Skywalker...I mean, he could be the twin brother of Luke if Luke didn't have a sister or a twisted family. This guy as I say is a really nice guy so I very much doubt he has any "daddy" issues or psychopathic Darkside tendencies. Every time I looked at him today all I could hear was "Da da da da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da" (for anyone uneducated in the Da language that would be the Star Wars Theme tune).

It got me to thinking about my staple diet of movies as a kid and made me ask the question "Where have all the Superheroes gone?". I was brought up on Superman, Indiana Jones, Batman, The Goonies (truffle shuffle - hell yeah), Star Wars and as such have come to wonder why they don't create heroes like that anymore. They have had a few goodies of late don't get me wrong. Captain Jack Sparrow for one. A baddie we love to love but still.

The Superhero epitomises everything we hold true and dear in our communities and societies and even deeper within ourselves. So when they make a truly wonderful movie we come out feeling totally uplifted by it.

Maybe the problem of the superhero is that it just wouldn't work out in real life. Think of Peter Parker's "spidersense" tingling. How long would it really take him to get to an emergency these days??? I mean come on, can you really see the batmobile hurtling down Highway 1 in friday afternoon traffic?? Or Clark Kent even trying to find a telephone booth to change into Superman in this the day and age of media on the go...Even then the RCMP would get him for indecent exposure (I'm sure he's "Super" in many ways).

What is it about the Superhero or just plain heroes of old we really like? Is it the antithesis of good vs evil because let's face it, we all root for a happy ending. Or is it the superpowers? X-Ray vision, mind control, fire starting, invisibility?? Or the gadgets...

If I was allowed my pick of the bunch I'd have the following on my pick list: -

* Jedi mind control - very useful. Example

Angry customer "blah blah blah insult Australia blah"

Nat " You want to talk to me more politely, you want to hit yourself in the face, and you want to give me that winning lotto ticket...these aren't the droids you're looking for..move along".

* Pimped out catwoman suit. A girls gotta look good and the whip can come in useful if you know what I mean ladies.

* Invisibilitites - mmmm, think of the possibilities. Walking into a bank vault for a bit of extra spending money for the weekend, listening to others without them knowing you're there, visiting Johnny Depp whilst he was sleeping.

* Ability to fly - anywhere in the world. "Hey guy's guess what, I'm off to Hawaii for the weekend". Of course, you'd need a lightweight backpack to take necessities - change of clothes, undies, swimwear.

I'd stay working at the grocery store. You have everything you'd need anyway so why not do a bit for the community. Of course I'd help people. What couldn't you do with those powers????

I think my point is that actually, heroes have evolved. Or maybe we have. Heroes can come in all shapes and forms and I truly think that our conception of heroes has changed. We seem to point less to the over-the-top spandex and incredibly gay weaponry and more to the subtle everyman. An ordinary person who despite all odds still manages to be super or extraordinary in some facet.

Whether it's opening a door for an elderly lady, or giving someone that extra penny when they don't have it or maybe just that smile or "how's it going today?" it's the small things like this that make you a hero to somebody. So in my store, I personally see many many superheroes...McJosh, Justin Timberlake, we have 2 Dan's who are both "The Man", Evan Almighty, Scooby Dooby Daphne, Kelly - Mwah, Lee Lee, Ray Ray (both people so cool I say their names twice), Deborah (too cool for school) and not to forget the obvious, Luke Skywalker. There are so many Superheroes in that place I feel a bit mediocre but still I'm Bridget and I'm a superhero too.

So don't go to the darkside...join us in the fight against evil, We give you a nametag and everything. On one side it says your name and on the flip side a secret superhero symbol. You've just got to have a midichlorian count of thousands (Not a Star Wars fan?...then you won't get the joke, don't try) and the ability to use a light saber whilst packing groceries...now that would be cool.....

Oh Canada...Part 3

So, because of the emotional reaction I've had to my first post, I really needed to do a Oh Canada...Part 3 so that I can fill you in on the past events and tend to the disturbing events leading to why I came to Canada in the first place.

This is entirely not easy for me given that I'm very uncomfortable talking about these issues let alone printing them for all to see, but I owe so many people so much they deserve to know my reasons for the change and my decisions for coming to Canada.

Here it is...the truth as painful as it stands....

I applied to come out to Canada with my now ex-fiance more than 8 years ago. We went through an almost 4 year process to get to this stage which included medical checks, police checks, financial checks...you name it, we had to do it. When we finally got our PR (permanent resident) cards we sold the house, quit our jobs and had the removal men ready to go. Unfortunately for us, things had been boiling over for a while and we ended things 3 weeks before we left the country. He never made it over here and things ended amicably.

His body clock was ticking and before you know it he's engaged, has a baby on the way and had married a girl who looks exactly like me all within a year, strange but not unusual. I'm not bitter, I'm not sad I'm just glad that he found someone who could love him the way I couldn't. We were together for over 7 years but unfortunately for us, the spark extinguished and I preferred a life not living a lie or pretending that we were something we were not.

I on the other hand decided when we split to wait a while before thinking of coming out on my own....big mistake...huge mistake....As I realised later on, I would have been better off financially and emotionally coming to Canada right away. Things however are not always as they seem and painful as it is to admit, I can't say now I'd do anything differently as this country has changed me for the better.

So when we split up, I rented myself a place in town and did the things I love to do...singing mainly at the local karaoke bar and socialising with friends. It filled a void that I wasn't used to...being alone.

One night, I met a guy who seemed great, was exactly what I thought I needed at the time and we hit it off. Next thing I know I'm mingling with his friends and got to meet a really nice girl called Corinne. She held a world cup party that year that we were invited to and nothing seemed out of place. Infact, we got on really well. She called me the next day to say that money had been stolen from here house during the party. She was crying and unable to pay the rent and as if by magic, Stupid here offers to help her out. Then she had me. From here on in the story goes into detail which I know will keep me up at night so long story short her and her boyfriend (my boyfriend) decide to rip me off for anything I have in the world which at the time was enough to pay for a place here. My ex and I had split the proceeds from the house and she took it all.

You're probably thinking how I could be so stupid but in my defense everything was notarised and signed by lawyers. What they didn't check up on was that letters from her inheritance had been nullified so she was no longer entitled to any money. I called the police and found out that she'd done the same thing to at least 3 or more couples who were not her friends, just associates.

She had made so many excuses - her son was ill, she had cancer, her mother had died all of which I found despicable when I found out the truth. You may find me pathetic for having believed it in the first place but I assure you there are those hideous creatures in the world that pray on people and know what to look for. She had spotted my weakness a whole mile off and let me tell you this...no matter how much forgiveness there is in the world, no matter how ADULT it is to forgive someone, no matter how divine, I hope the bitch starves and dies because she did the one thing that is against my code of ethics...claiming your child is sick when they're not...sick, sick, sick. She doesn't deserve to have ovaries as far as I'm concerned.

I don't ever have any ill thoughts about anyone but I will tell you that Corinne Webb (If that's her real name - aliases galore people) is the exception to the rule.

She went to prison for 12 months. In that time, my dreams of coming to Canada faded as I had nothing to support myself. I had already quit my incredible job working for the local council. Given my qualifications and experience, I was on the equivalent of $58 per hour and now that was gone too. I had rent that I couldn't pay so I had to move back in with my parents. Things were bad. They got worse. I couldn't get past the fact that someone had screwed me over so royally and I had some serious issues surrounding what I should do next. My confidence had disappeared, for good or so it seemed.

I met some incredibly nice people over the course of the next year or two and some incredibly bad choices made things so much worse....mainly concerning an inability to function as a pleasant regular member of society. Bad people create bad people and I chose poorly. I got in with a crowd where I felt I belonged to find that really I was the butt of everyone's jokes. I was led into the seedy underbelly without any acknowledgement that I was doing anything wrong and I was preyed upon by some of the worst types of scum that very nearly killed me. When I say killed me, I truly emphatically mean it. I almost drowned in a hot tub because a guy hated me so much in the moment that he decided he would prefer me dead to living and by that point, I'd had enough so I didn't put up much of a fight.

My worst memory is one night when I'd had enough and as they do, my parents tried to talk sense into me. I had a bottle of paracetamol in my hands and my brain (no matter how sensible) was telling me that I needed to take the pills and be done with it. The most frightening part of that night was that it made sense to me to do it. I will never forgive myself for being so completely selfish in putting my parents through that. I hate myself for that, because that is not ME. You all know me. And this is me...my brain was just under so much pressure it couldn't cope with it anymore.

Anyway, there is far too much to tell about those days and not enough stomach to discuss it. I do not want pity for days past...I needed to learn a lesson from these experiences and I really did. This way, I can learn from my peers (which is you) and I now know how I want to live my life and who I am. These events though dire and painful show me what can be achieved, how strong I am and how much I appreciate the smaller insignificant things that may not matter to many but feel special to me.

I am stronger today than I ever was and it is only through these truths, these endurance's that we persist and learn to know ownership of our own lives and hold what is truly dear to us. Canada has saved my life and I will fight tooth and nail to show that it's way of life is the greatest in the world and that it's people are truly ethereal.

How stupid can one English girl look???

So my nickname is Bridget...it's been Bridget since I split up with me ex-fiance 6 years ago. The reason?? I am the epitome of Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess...and like her I tend to fuck things up a bit. It's not a conscious effort on my part to do so...it's just the way things turn out.

I'm known for my inability to find a love life because I tend to accidentally mess things up. If I meet a guy I like, odds are that he's gay or attached or on occasion manic depressive and obsessive. On one occasion wanted by the police in connection with a burglary...just kidding there but you get my drift. There is always something that kicks me in the arse.

I don't meet many guys that I like or crush on so when I do it's a big deal. I have had 3 crushes since arriving in Canada 2 years ago and 1 relationship (If you can call it that) that lasted the lengthy time of 2.5 months. He was 29 years old going on 13 so for obvious reasons it didn't work out.

I started to ponder if it was something I was doing wrong...maybe it was me...maybe I was the one with the problem. It occurred to me that it was just a matter of random bad decisions on my part in who I was finding attractive. The question is can you really choose who you find attractive?? I've been out with guys who's face looks like a slapped arse but have great personalities and then been out with guys who look like gods but have the personality of a duck with one leg.

Looks are definitely not the first thing that attract me to a guy. SMARTS are. If a guy is smart it's a huge turn on. Then I go for sense of humour...they need one if they even want to be seen out in public with me. The chronic accidental misadventures that I get myself into are an integral part of our potential future! Then I go for everything else.

So what generally happens if I find a guy I like?? Some examples not unheard of would be serious blushing. I mean I go lobster. You could put me in the middle of a poppy field and wouldn't be able to pick me out. I giggle ALOT. Not a trait I want a potential guy to see. Sometimes I will fall over things or walk into things or accidentally hit things in a fit of excitement. My whole nervous system becomes uncontrollable and I can't seem to co-ordinate myself properly. I babble like a complete idiot and if I think I'm going to say something stupid that I don't even want to say I ignore them to save face.

It's a complicated thing and there are thousands among thousands of factors that can set the odds of finding someone you really relate to and click with. The odds are huge....

So the English girl decided to go on her first blind date in Canada last year...what a disaster. The guy turns up at the bar. His name was Dan, 37 and he spoke like a Californian surfer (that should have been my warning sign). He was nice enough looking and the evening started off well. General chit chat about where I came from and how I was finding living in Canada. I then pursued conversations about him. Turns out that he thought Jean Claud Van Damme was "the greatest actor in the movies ever" and he liked monster trucks and hard liquor. If he'd said he liked porn I might have been more impressed.

No more blind dates EVER. PERIOD.

In the mean time Bridget will plod along alone...having nights in with the cat, getting tipsy and prancing around the house to ABBA, Backstreet Boys and every other guilty pleasure music that everyone hates to love (you know you do it too). At least she gets to sleep with B.O.B. He doesn't talk so I really can't fuck up there. Knowing my luck though the batteries will short out, electrocute me and the coroner will have a very interesting story to tell at parties....