And the winner for "most likely to fall dramatically in heels" is...Defying gravity Pt 1...

 

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

 

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

It's a great year...I can feel it. In the world of Canadian Bridget...all is well. I have plans...huge plans for the first time really in what I want to achieve this year. Those plans do not include falling for fuck wits, arseholes, leeches, players, douche bags (still love the Canadian of that) and mama's boys or in any way shape or form being walked all over. Nor do those plans include having housing issues, car troubles, financial worries or health scares (the red wine alone wards off the evil spirits that might cause any of the above, I keep a healthy dose of it just in case - who knows when Linda Blair might come calling).

The benefits of having had all of those things go tits up in the past (normally all at once) is the fact that NOW, finally I'm ready for anything. Johnny Depp has finally stopped incessantly calling me and showing up on my doorstep (finally got the hint and got engaged to someone else...sources state it was just to make ME jealous - whatever!).

I'm in an awesome state of being right now and before I get too spiritual and lunar with everyone let me just state that a good life is in fact a state of mind. If you feel good about everything, life plays out JUST so much easier. Are there things I want to change? Holy shit yes. Do I feel confident enough to change them with the sheer force of will stating that I know I can achieve them? Yes I do. If there was a presidential candidacy for British chicks with big egos, even bigger heels and an even bigger mouth I might give Obama a run for his money. Not that I think that would be difficult...YES WE CAN?...Guess he had the speechwriters for Sesame Street think up that phrase for him. 2 terms? Not such a bad policy.

When it comes to learning, I've got it down pat. Here's some of Bridget's top "learns" from the past few years...Try it. I promise, I'll make you laugh at least once...isn't that what it's all about...

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

1. Fruity does not mean horny in Canada, it means something entirely different. Do not pass the time chatting to a customer in a checkout line and call him such as he might be easily offended. Luckily for me he saw it as a trans-Atlantic faux pas and giggled. Could have been much worse.

2. Do not drunk call your cats in the UK at 3am UK time. They will not answer.

3. Hockey is actually "the best game you can name".  Not being a super butch sports fan in the UK, I didn't really see the glamour in watching a bunch of guys skate with large wooden sticks knocking seven shades of shit out of each other whilst trying to get that little disc in the back of the net. In fact, I think I avoided Canada's national beloved sport for the first entire year I was here. I missed out. The first game I actually watched showed me what it's all about. Sweaty hockey dudes with enormous...amounts of adrenalin actually having full on fights on the ice whilst trying to stick to the rules...Many of the players on the Vancouver Canucks team are possible future husband material now...gotta love the thrill of the game!

4. Feel free to be cocky whenever you please, but make sure you have the mad crazy skills to back it up. If you don't, stay away...you'll just look like a knob-jockey.

5. ABBA & Barry Mannilow are your best friends when drunken cleaning the house (C'mon, you know you do it). They provide the best possible back up vocals whilst you practice your amazing dance moves and singing round the living room. Don't forget the remote for the mike as you sing. Your cat may look on disapprovingly and sneer at you (probably because you spilled red wine over her earlier) but you know that Simon Cowell would sign you in an instant if he had the chance.

6. In the same breath - Be careful of the scornful cat in the morning. You know she wants to kill you (it's obvious, she always has - it's the master-plan) so perhaps look out for anti-social behaviour the next morning. Watch for obvious tactical plans on her part such as lying in front of the tub where she knows you'll shower in the morning. She's hoping that you will not see her and trip garroting yourself of the shower curtain or possibly swallowing the soap and choking. She also uses the "big smelly poo" technique to try to fill your lungs with noxious gases...you could die from those you know? The best way to tell if she is plotting this is a) she joins you in bed in the night but sleeps on your pillow whilst choking your face with her body fluff or b) you wake up in the middle of the night and she's on the bed frame just watching you and giving you the deadly stink eye. She wants to kill Simon Cowell too though so just hope she goes after him first. To be fair, from a cat's perspective he's the first to go for as he has a far hairier chest than you.

7. Don't be fooled gentlemen, it's not a man's world anymore!! Canada, the only thing I'm dis-appointed in is the middle age attitude towards us girls and how strong we actually are. We don't need the white knight anymore...we're not pathetic useless individuals who know no means to support or look after ourselves. There's a difference between being protective and manly over assuming we can't conquer the world ourselves and deal with everyday occurrences with ease and poise. Behind every good man there's a great woman or so the proverb tells. It's true. Deal with it. If you guys were left alone you'd almost certainly die from over abundance of take out food, the inability to procreate and the lack of having clean pressed trousers to wear. Maybe I'm biased, but I never felt this stigma in the UK. Perhaps because of the equality laws evolved through a much larger history or possibly the vast wilds of nature here in Canada make you men feel we can't cope. Whichever way you look at it boys...you'd be lost without us. Sisters are doing it for themselves these days and without sounding like a burning bra feminist (I'm not, I actually like bra shopping) you need to cut us a bit more slack and give us a chance before the laws decide to do it for you. Be pro-active and be smart.

8. Wood chopping is completely fun!! Whether cracking a beer in the garden using an axe or splitting wood with a compressor it's just back to basics, wilderness training, person making good stuff! Every teen should do it as a character building exercise hehe I was first introduced over the past year as my fireplace did not fit the big hunks of wood required so I had to chop smaller pieces. My beautiful landlady (friend) gave me the basics, you know..."Nat, you need to wear shoes instead of flip flops", stance, swing, hands etc. There's a lot to it. I'm sure I look ridiculous...it's not often you see a 6ft blonde chopping wood in the forest in 6 inch heels....I'm kidding of course, health & safety is important to me and all that sh**!

9. When you have back problems due to the wood cutting, red wine and T3's (painkiller for those in the UK) are a great solution. I'm no doctor so seek medical attention, don't follow my advice...I'm only a lowly writer...but as a lowly writer I can say the mix is fabulous...unless you call up a friend and end up speaking to your boss instead. I can't tell you the conversation but was mortified in the morning.

10. #### Hashtags are completely pointless...avoid anyone who uses them.

11. Along the same vein, please employers...please, please, please...only employ people who are able to speak full sentences. The youthful generalisation of shortening every word is quite frankly painful and hideous. OMG! LOL! FML! I blame social media (especially Urban Dictionary) for the loss of the English language and more additions that mean nothing and as a scholar of English literature it pains me to hear how short conversations are acceptable in society. The funniest part of the future is that the kids believe that watching and reading the past is so completely retro it makes them cool. Try speaking properly and using the same values as way back when and you'll be truly retro!! This affects the new generational moral compass no end. I'm sure Shakespeare/Elliott/ Tennyson etc would roll over in their graves watching Jersey Shores...though I'd love to see that lol.
Whilst ranting on the same vein, parents, It would be great if you taught your kids work ethic too. I'm a little pissed off at guessing whether someone has work ethic. It's something my dad taught me early on and seems not to matter to parents any more. Perhaps I'm too poor and my opinion doesn't count anymore as it seems the more well off the child the less they care about the world around them. I generalise but it seems that the more you spoil your child the worse the manners and ethics get. It just seems to me that if something is worth saying, it's worth saying well and properly...I'm old school, what can I say?

12.  Nature in Canada is to be loved...unless you're unused to it and then you're allowed to wail at the top of your voice...I mean an insane girlie scream! I loved raccoons, loved THEM! Watched the TV show, you know that animated one with the raccoons with seriously bent noses...until I met one personally the first year I was here. When I baby talked it and it hissed at me and stalked me in my back yard I decided it probably had rabies and wanted to kill me like Cujo...the only reason I never wanted a dog - damn you Stephen King. The other nature is incredible though...as long as you are bigger than it. Everything however, is bigger than you so it's tough. The second you see an otter though (unless you own a boat) the piercing hatred dissipates forever...

13. I'm superstitious and it's my lucky number so - no comment.

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity...

 

More learns to come if you'll allow....I'm sorry to say...next installment shortly..