Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown....

Flight Attendant Steve: You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: Oh, you can't get any where in three seconds!
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, you better try.
Annie: You're setting me up for a loss already.

I know what you're going to say...you're going to tell me that you though I'd been mauled to death by a grizzly bear in the wilderness, or perhaps drafted into the Canadian army and fighting in high heels somewhere across the world where they do not have Internet or blog sites.

To some degree I did kinda fall off the face of the earth this year...what I later found out is that in falling we learn all manner of truths about ourselves...some good and some to put it plainly fucking frightening. So I'm just going to lay it all on the line with this one, you know, warts and all...the gods honest truth. Maybe it will help someone at some point, gosh I can only hope...I'm going to be as honest as I can with you no matter how painful and exhausting it may be for me to re-live it and put it onto my virtual paper. In usual Bridget style, there are always funny moments...but then I'm generally one to laugh first at most occurrences and those who know me well, know that I try not to take life too seriously...

So much has happened this year and I may jump around like Quentin Tarantino and his every so muddled story lines but I'll try not to go off on a tangent.

In order to start, I'll need to tell you what's been happening over the past 5 or 6 weeks. Young Bridget here has moved into the most incredible place...I live on the lake, like, right on the lake. It is just the most incredibly beautiful place, not somewhere I would feel I was worthy of living. I am usually at home with incredibly bad tempered raccoons, noisy taps that when turned make you feel like the whole house is going to cave, a whole cacophony of insects that want to eat you alive and that's not including new evil landlords who's move to Canada was not so much out of a love for the country but perhaps a move simply to piss me off.

These things being said I was happy at my previous home before all of the evil dastardly deeds from 7 year olds who don't seem to want to grow up. So whilst my folks were making their yearly visit, they helped me move into my new place. Apart from a great deal of verbal abuse from the SA landlords and the fact that my folks protected me by keeping their anger silent and the trauma surrounding these events it was a new chapter in my life. I have full time employment as an assistant manager at a grocery store and life seemed pretty good. The picture of almost perfect happiness.

My folks left to go home to the UK and for the next following week I was like a Stepford wife, figuring out furniture, moving everything to where I wanted it, buying things to make it perfect and sitting out on my steps having a smoke and looking out at a view that ultimately made me cry several times. I get very emotional appreciating the little things in life...to you guys out there reading this, probably really happy right now eh ;o)

So imagine my surprise when the following weekend I'm sitting in my beautiful new home crying continuously unable to say why and unable to stop. In my beautiful surroundings I'm crying like a child who just lost their favourite toy (Pengy the penguin was mine) all the time thinking "Cmon Bridge, pull yourself together! Look around you and be incredibly grateful".

The following week at work I notice that people are so grumpy they are unbearable to be around. Completely negative, completely entitled and my tolerance levels become that of a MI5 agent undercover and on crack trying to get to the truth of a secret conspiracy to make caffeine companies part of the new world order...that way, they'd have control over everyone and everything and it would all be legal...mind control at its best ;o)

I begin to start craving fish at this point. Yes it's weird, and let me tell you it's not a British thing. I'm craving vast amounts of fish and nuts...in particular walnuts and canned kippers. At this point in the story, I'd like to say that I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend or partner at this time. There is nothing more unattractive than watching a woman eat 3 tins of kippers and then wolfing down a bag of walnuts. I know my usual style of drinking a great deal, smoking like a chimney, and singing karaoke at the top of my voice is not terribly attractive either but if nothing else it is endearing and I can boast that my voice is worthy of it. I have customers who feel it's funny to try to mimic my voice whilst I'm serving them and instead of laughing it off I'm grimacing the way i did when Keanu Reeves tried to do a British accent in Brams Stokers' Dracula...movie was awesome but I didn't care for his accent at all. You'd think he'd have learnt a bit more Brit in acting school what with Shakespeare and other earthly greats.

So the following weekend I finish at 3.30 on MY Friday, looking forward to chilling out at home, in front of the fire with a nice glass of wine, movie and cat to boot. The cat at this point has picked up on what's going on and is attacking me wherever I go, ignoring me and trying her best to show me her baddest ever EVIL eye. She knew before I did. Once again, I'm crying into my glass of wine unable to stop. My only perception at this point was that my folks had just left and I hadn't been able to see my new nephew yet. Yes, my sister had a baby boy this year! His name is Jack and when I say he's a looker I truly mean he is the most adorable baby I have EVER seen...and not just because he's my nephew. He could be in Calvin Klein adverts he's that charismatic.

For a short while after his birth, I had a fit of jealousy. Sorry sis, but I think you already knew why I hadn't been able to contact you for a few weeks after. My brain was incredibly jealous...all I kept thinking was that I was the older sister and I'd always wanted kids so why does she have one and I don't?? Very childish I know but when you're faced with an eternity to think about such things it starts to wear on you.

So I concluded that my mood was down to these things and that I should just relax....at this point my brain told me that I should get some art supplies and do some art work. I should have known at this stage...I don't do art! I'm utterly crap at it. Singing = amazing, writing = pretty good, poetry = better than pretty good, but art = I can't even draw a stick man and have it accurate or lifelike even in a humorous way! However, I bought supplies and it feels so incredibly relaxing to launch onto a piece of paper with bright colours and create something that I like...even if no-one else would ;o)

I had a good friend round to the house, my first house guest!! He's a truly amazing guy and he brought round Martini's and movies and pizza...it was a great night. We watched Bridesmaids...now, for anyone left on the planet who has not seen it, let me not over exaggerate by telling you that the main character Annie (as pictured above) is me in disguise. I didn't realise until watching this movie how completely fucked up things can get if you don't pay attention. I even commented to my friend how "this is the story of my life right now!"

This went on for a few weeks...the crying, the bad art and the wondering when I would feel okay and it would stop. Then a tragedy struck. I was on Facebook doing my usual rounds and found out that a colleague of mine had died. He was 20 years old and had been involved in a fight that as it turned out was to be deadly. We were not close friends, not the type that see each other all of the time. We worked together and always related and had a laugh when we saw each other. I'm pretty sure that it was this night that my brain malfunctioned. It was the last straw to the relative weirdness that had ensued beforehand. It made me look at my own mortality, my own life and how it was playing out. The guy was an amazing guy and I'm so glad that he had been to Thailand months earlier to travel and do what he had wanted to do.

My brain didn't only malfunction that night. It was trapped in a vortex spiralling downwards into god only knows what. It split in two - like a badly dubbed Bruce Lee movie (which by the way, If I ever made one I would ask Russell Peters to voice for me). One side of my brain was talking to me and trying to comfort me, the other was like an Italian gangster trying to dislodge any positives in my life...Yoo, yoo? Who the hell are yoo? ya think anyone wants to be round a loser like yoo? It really would be better if yoo weren't here yoo...

It got so bad that half of my mis-firing brain had already decided that life was over. I was barely able to block out the images coming from the evil twin in my brain. I was amazed at what I was listening to and even more amazed that it was coming from inside my brain. I'm Bridget! Things have always been fun and positive in my life. Yes, I've dealt with plenty of traumas and dramas but no more or less than others, so where was this coming from??? I begin to drink more and more that night to drown out the evil twin in my brain as I reeled myself through pictures of my friends last trip to Thailand on Facebook. In defiance my good half set up Pay It Forward Canada on Facebook as I wanted to make sure the good outweighed the bad. By the time I went to bed, all I could hear was the evil twin. I remember writing something on a blank sheet of paper, pinning it to the fridge and going wearily to bed.

When I woke up, I felt so completely awful I didn't want to get up. Half hungover, half mortality check into the awful voices in my head. They had not dissipated either. But still I got up and went to make a cup of tea. When i got to the fridge, i could barely remember writing the note but saw it there as plain as the day. "GET A GRIP" . I thank my better demons for writing it to me. It was at this point that I realised my sub-conscious had been trying to tell me something for weeks. At that very second having turned on the TV an advertisement came on as if fated for me to see. The thing with depression is that it sneaks up on you and you never see it coming.

I did a few tests online and with the results prevalent, thought about the actualities of the previous nights rants. I'm educated enough to know when I have a problem and wise enough to admit it. On the one hand I could go to a doctor who will tell me that my body is not producing enough serotonin to cope and that I need to be put on pills for the rest of my unnatural life. On the other, I researched into diets that help to aid the production and this is the route I'll be taking. One of the many things on these sites was that when depressed the body isn't getting enough Omega 3 (fish) or potassium and zinc (nuts)!! I know its pretty risky and I'll have bad days but all the while my good brain is still talking to me, I know that I stand a chance of feeling and getting better.

I can't tell you why this has happened. I live a good life here in the most beautiful place on earth. I know that not having family around has been a factor. That being alone for over 3.5 years has contributed. Finding my soulmate and not being able to be with him is tragic. Nothing has been particularly easy for me and really, I'm not asking for leniency on that scale. Everyone has different issues all around the world. I don't want it to be easy just not quite so hard. I know that all my brain was waiting for was that last little straw. I also however know that every feeling I've had since being here has been genuine, every comment I've made has been heartfelt and every friendship has been golden. I have never once regretted the amazing and somewhat brave move that I made in June 2008. The people that I have met, the kindest generosity that I have encountered, the beauty and true greatness of the north...it makes me feel tearful feeling how privileged I am at this moment...and I didn't even mention my love of the Canucks!!!!! Holy shit, where in gods green earth would you catch me enjoying hockey!!!! I love them with their icy cold hockey matches that warm up with the passion of the game ;o) Especially Kelser prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............

It's hard to admit...I'm not only British, but a Virgo too (incapable of asking for help) so if any of you are asking why I didn't call and chat about this, you know very well why. I'd rather go through a marathon of really bad Woody Allen movies (all of them in my opinion, none of them are really that good or funny...whats all the hype about really????)

The trick of it all is to be in tune with your body, to be in tune with what you want and don't waste any opportunity to be happy and live it to the fullest!! I think if I'd not been as hopeful as I am...I wouldn't even be here right now. Christmas has been an awful time what with the malfunctioning evil twin sat on my shoulder but the people that have mattered have really tried to help me feel welcome and I truly thank my new landlords and my great great friend....what you said Christmas night made sense K and I had a wonderful night talking with you about it all. You will always be a great friend xx

To everyone else out there, I don't know what the future holds for the New Year, but I wish you all the best and promise a whole great deal of writings from me, your slightly unhinged British lunatic..your friend, forever, Bridget I'm still here, I'm still Bridget, I'm still breathing and as long as I am you always have a great friend in me xxx

Anyone for Cake????

This blog is dedicated to my good friend Sandy...Without you Chickie, I would not have acquired the inspiration to push my life along with a giant set of weirdness even I cannot fathom.

The thing is...and I didn't realise until a few months ago that we are in total control of everything that goes on around us. Whether good or bad, chaos theory no longer washes with me after the weirdest of events and circumstances of the past couple of months. I would normally suggest that these things were simply co-incidental or set by some strange dogma that exists in the universe...fuck me, I was wrong.

So I'll go onto that in a while...I need to fill you in on the story so far before I go off on a tangent of thoughts and process revolving around that one. Now I'll warn you, there will be a short bit of explaining and a little tangentism before I get to the funny story okay.

So it's been a while since my last blog and to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I had any fresh material to cover so I stopped writing for a while. Let me start by saying that through challenging times I have found myself a great deal braver than I expected so, yay me!

My landlord decided he wanted to sell the house and gave me 2 months notice to vacate. Work was looking glum and hours scarce, money was incredibly tight and to top it all off I was feeling homesick. My sister was due to give birth and I wanted to be there which I feel was my main issue. I had a non-existent love life, no social life unless you count bob the wonderschlong and a cat who has several personalities and disses my drunken karaoke.

One day, I had a particularly bad day at work. My hours had been reduced again and I was barely surviving as it was and it had been a completely stressful day with people calling in sick and huge line ups at the store. I ended up in the back office with my managers sobbing my heart out and feeling completely done in. As I was leaving a good friend of mine suggested watching a movie that would "change my life" and to a certain extent it has.

I'm sure most of you know what I'm referring to so I won't go into it (saved you from that one Ev). It's about looking at things from a positive perspective and knowing that you can change your circumstances and lifestyle even to exactly how you want it. Everyone is free to do so and when I started to watch it later that night I thought "No Way!! This is some psycho-babble bullshit that I should not be watching as it's likely to piss me off even further".

I'm not one for religion...all that "praise be the Lord" higher on high, my shit don't stink because the Lord created me sort of thing is not my style. I'm not saying it's wrong for others and I don't judge, each to their own. I'm just saying it's not for me. It's the same with Oprah style TV shows and the shows that are specifically designed to make you buy a home gym or food blender or cosmetics that will make you look like Jackie Stallone. It's the indoctrination crap that I hate about it. I have my own mind, please for the love of God let me bloody use it. If I want a blanket, I'll go out and get one without sleeves or a hoodie. If I want beauty products I'll go to the store...not listening to some pimply teenage rocker tell me that even though she has access to beauticians, personal trainers and nutritionists she took the time to try out a "SOLD ON TV" product for a few minor skin issues!

So naturally I was entirely sceptical but the more I watched the more it made sense to me. Weirdness started to form straight after watching it. It's like the movie "The Ring" only you don't die after watching it or end up having your head smashed through a TV or drowning in a well. I logged onto Facebook which is pretty regular if not obsessive at times to see what was going on in cyberspace. I decided to play one of my online games and hit the jackpot straight away. Never happened before...but I wanted to test the theory.

I played for a while and then sent my sorry ass to bed, hugging a stuffed toy and crying. I should point out at this time that my landlord had sold the house and the new family had just moved in. Lovely South African couple with two kids that decided they wanted me to stay on as a tenant. They quickly endeared themselves to me. Mum and dad introduced me to the kids as "Auntie Natalie" and since their arrival the place has a new lease of life. We have baby lambs which I got to bottle feed, we have chicks for egg laying, we have chickens as meat birds (I have already been given a fresh one that was consumed days after slaughter) and they have also created a wonderful veggie patch and given me a specific area to grow what I want in...just magic.

So I'm in bed crying and as I'm somewhere between sleep and wake I hear music. It's a song played on guitar by the owner upstairs that only me and my family would really appreciate and not many people over here would know. It made me feel so much better, comforting me and was a sign of changes coming.

From there on in...change, change, change. Laugh as hard as you want at this but suddenly parking spaces became available to me at will...a small thing I'm sure but you have to admit entirely frustrating when you're on the receiving end of parking hell! Within the space of a month, I was offered another job working with an amazing chick. Not only an amazing person to work with but a truly great friend. It was one of the worst days, leaving my friends behind at my previous work but I know that they will remain friends and not so much a goodbye as I'll still bug them all the time!

My new workplace is really chilled out. 90% of the people I get on really well with but there are a few who hate my breathing living guts as I was chosen for the position instead of someone else. It bothered me at first. I'm a nice person I thought, why on earth would they be so catty? Now, I really don't give a flying fuck. I like my job, my surroundings, my friends so from a purely PC standpoint...they can kiss my born and bred British aaaarrrrse. In any future posts I will lovingly refer to them as the Bitches of Eastwick.

Since being at THIS job, I've had two other serious offers of work along with this one which as you will read, not so much. This one I'll tell you about which leads me back to the point, at long last eh....you've been waiting for me to get back to the funny right?

Okay back to the story...So about a week into the new job a British lady came through my till and as I'm prone to do got into my life story at the till and chatted with her whilst ringing in her groceries. She asked me if I would consider other employment options and asked for my number. I gave it to her. Silly really. She could have been a serial scam artist or some kind of swinging homicidal maniac but given that she was a Brit I figured those scenarios were less than likely.

So I got home from work the other day and there was a message on my machine from her asking to give her a call. I didn't know what she had in mind but have re-taught myself that every situation can be filled with a great deal of possibility so called her back. She talked with me for a good long hour about general subjects, living in Canada, my qualifications and the likes. She told me that she wanted to introduces me to her bosses the next day and would send me details of where to meet them.

This morning was the start of my weekend and in a fit of relaxation I very nearly cancelled going tonight. I was about to call the lady and make some kind of excuse not to go when I stopped myself and decided to make the effort. It was something different and I might like what I hear I thought. So I had a shower, got myself dressed nicely and left the house thinking if nothing else I look marvelous and might make some connections or learn something or perhaps find the job of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm working but there is never any harm in weighing up all possibilities when offered to you.

So I drove to Victoria, parked up and found the house. The house which was NOT a house. It was part of a complex. A complex which when I got to the door said "Use front entrance for access". It belonged to a high rise next door that they use as both residential and for conferences. When I approached the door I was met by my contact and her husband...so spy like, contact...Bridget 009 secret agent of Canadian Intelligence...now there's a job I want.

She greeted me by flinging her arms round me (weird as we had only met once) and introduced me to her husband and her husbands brother who seemed rather thrilled that he wasn't the third wheel in this scenario. They lead me through a few scarcely decorated corridors and we ended up in a pool area. I could only think that I would have preferred to be swimming with a nice cocktail at that point rather than being in a hugely uncomfortable situation with three strangers in an odd "shining" style accommodation with god only knows what intent.

A woman came by us and I was quickly introduced. She was a team leader. I had this sense that I had unwittingly stepped into a cult of some sorts. They were over-friendly, over pleasant, sort of Ned Flanders-esque. As we continued to walk through the halls to our destination they struck pleasantries with others who joined us. We finally ended up in a suite where I was met by the rest of the Brady bunch.

The room seemed to be filled with two types of people. The first, Eco-friendly, tie yourself to a tree, huge grinning, seeing dollar signs, love and hugs capitalists...and yes, I realise the irony to that statement. The other seemed to be made of very indecisive, insecure, unsure, uncomfortable, regular grinning not so much hugging folks who barely knew what they were there for. As soon as I walked in I realised I was brought in as the latter. A sacrificial lamb so to speak. THIS was not a job interview...it was from my gathering of the facts a sales pitch.

So I'm standing in a room filled with sardines and sharks and I'm looking round for escape routes. I'm introduced round the room to all and sundry. Then one of the main guest speakers, a homeopathic doctor gives me an odd looking bottle of liquid and tells me that this is what they're here to talk about and please try it. It turns out, the job involves an amazing all-natural wonder drug from a pharmaceutical organisation. It's made from vegetables and fruits and plants and shit and blah blah blah properties and it's really good for you.

Whilst taking a sip of the hugely sweet insipid flavour of the liquid it occurred to me that I didn't know what it was...for all I knew it could be some kind of mind control experiment that made me buy "AS SEEN ON TV" products. The homeopath winked at me and said "ready to make some money?" and as the comedic words lay hanging in the air almost in a cartoon style speech bubble I was desperate for some small vision of clarity and normality and common sense to prevail.

No sooner had I thought this, a guy walks in greeted by my Brit. He looked normal...well actually, he looked more than normal. He was in fact quite pretty. She brought him over and introduced him to the homeopath and then to me. The tragic part of this story is that I cannot for the life of me remember his name. That's seriously fucked up.

The leader asked him what he did for a living and he said he was a carpenter. "Aaaahhhh, Jesus was a carpenter" says the homeopath. At this I must have rolled my eyes in a very conspicuous manner as he smiled at me in re-assurance that he was not one of the children of the corn. We were left alone, scanning the room and finally started talking. It transpires that he is from Nanaimo and moved to Victoria recently. As we talked, he took off his jacket to reveal a lovely toned strong sturdy body, well tanned as you'd expect from a tradesman. I was almost apoplectic and tried very hard not to stare at him or for that matter feel him up on the spot. Although that may have made the night far more interesting.

It turns out that he had come along as he had a torn muscle in his shoulder and was told by my Brit that this product could help him greatly. I commented to him that I felt it may be some kind of pyramid scheme involving parting with money and that I really didn't know what I was doing here. He laughed and said he had been very unsure. We sat down together amongst the oddities of people and believers who were set to convert us on the magical healing properties of nature and he told me that he had tried all manner of things for his shoulder.

Seeing the opportunity and knowing how cheeky I am (you know, you really know) I advised him that I had a diploma in massage and it might help. He he he he. The meeting started with a promotional video followed by speakers and life believers, and motivationalists and professionals there to sell the concept. As soon as the pyramid came onto the over head, I looked at him, he looked back at me and we burst out in snigger's of quiet laughter. Mutual discontent is a wonderful thing to bring people together sometimes. I told him that I felt I was being administered into some kind of cult and it was the strangest interview I'd ever had.

It was supposed to go on for an hour...it went on for almost 1.45 minutes and 26 seconds. When they were finished, he got up as quickly as I did (the chairs were painful to sit on, as if the presentation wasn't painful enough). I made the comment that I had hoped they had put cyanide in the formula before they started the presentation but unfortunately they forgot. He laughed with me as we talked for a few moments and then said he had to go and catch the grocery store before it closed. With that, he was gone, leaving me to explain to the Brit that this was not my cup of tea...so to speak.

She seemed really disappointed so I re-assured her that I was very grateful to her for asking me to come and that the product looked great but I just wasn't in a position to buy it and forward the "magic" on to others. I was with her for 5 or 10 minutes and then left. As I traversed the halls I felt a pang of disappointment that my cohort had left. I reached the front doors and began to walk outside. There he was, standing there waiting for me. We talked as we walked down the road and he asked me for my number.

I gave it to him and noticed that he had in fact remembered my name even though I was searching to remember his. He said "well I'm not sure if a massage will do the trick with this injury but would it be okay to call you?" As usual Bridget blushed up bright red, giggled uncontrollably and said yes of course. He thanked me for not having to endure the pain alone and told me we'd speak soon as he smiled and walked away.

As I walked back to the car, I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

The point is, I was going to blow that off...spend the night in, like most nights. Changing the way we think about situations or life in general can lead to some of the most extraordinary experiences. There are things that I really want in life. A few of the things I really want, I won't get (Johnny Depp...you'll never know the warm hands of the Brit, sigh) but if you think positively enough about any given situation, you can put the wheels in motion for a happier healthier life and what you do affects others around you too so it also improves their lives....instinctively, positive attitudes can pay it forward to everyone. Butterfly effect right? It spreads, it's infectious. If my being a positive person can for one second make someone else's life a little more bearable then I'm all for it. If everyone did the same thing, can you imagine the difference in the world right now??

Positivity breeds...Crap, they should have asked for my resume and got me on the payroll eh. Motivational speaker!! I mean seriously, who the hell would not want this mind!! Bridget over and out...LOL

Bridget's Year: 2010 - The Year of the Roadblock...Pt 1

It's been a while people, I mean, 3 months without posting is sacrilege! I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time! Anyway, welcome to my slanted and invariably rocky summary of the year. I have named 2010: The year of the Roadblock. Not monkey, or horse or whatever other bloody animal they're using. This is a completely honest run down on my life in 2010....

So I didn't meet Johnny Depp and have him fall madly in love with me, nor did I have Simon Cowell stumble across my voice whilst visiting the island and offer me a recording contract on the spot. I didn't win the Lottomax and I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize for my writing skills. However, some personal soul searching was done throughout this year and it's made me realise just who I really am...and you know what?? I'm pretty bloody stunned at what I found.

This year hasn't been without its up and downs, non-starters, rushing ins and completely fuck-wit moments and it's not really any different to any other year in that respect...other than at the start of the year, I promised myself to be positive and that "this year, THIS year I was going to have a great year and begin to move forward with my life". This is why I HATE New Years Eve...so much expectation for the start of a new year...so much pressure on having the perfect year that of course it's going to end up below expectations and really piss you off.

The year started off with a bang (no, not that kind you saucy thing!) and I was promoted in my job. I felt sure that this was the turning point of my life and a really great start to the New Year.

So I started in my new job and decided to buy a reliable car to make sure that I wouldn't have any car issues commuting. Two months in and my brand new car (first new car ever might I add) got hit by a 60ft truck leaving the parking lot of my workplace! This let me know that I was truly fucked on the Karma scale of good things a' happening. It still isn't fixed and is a constant reminder of why you should never feel too smug about your life being good around the New Year.

I've been on some dates this year...all have been complete disasters. I know what you're thinking now, and I SWEAR I have been really positive going on them and not in the slightest bit flaky. It certainly was not through lack of trying on my part that they did not gain any momentum from just being "dates" to "something else". I seem to be completely hopeless at anything that even remotely relates to my love life. A few dates, a few crushes and an attachment to someone special where the circumstances are sure to lead me to total heartbreak (a state I have felt too often before)...but that's another story, one that I will NOT be sharing so don't even ask. I REALLY REALLY suck at this...probably why I'm still single, as well as living life as a hermit AKA Crazy Cat Lady.

On the upside of my love life...I have had some wonderful times with my new BOB's and truly believe that my calling would be "vibrator tester". Not a title that one would want to put out on a resume but it's a fuck of a lot of fun. In the New Year I will be writing to some of the manufacturers and asking if I can be first to try out new products and in return will offer reviews for said products...something to do in my time off work (so to speak, ahem...). NB - If any manufacturers of such items happen to read this blog, I'm very skilled in testing your products and you can reach me at 1-800-ORGY-4ME.

I have consistently come up against roadblocks this year. It doesn't matter how completely positive I've been in all aspects of my life. Roadblocks in my work life, love life, social life...It's like March/April time on the roads where all local municipalities have to use up there funding by the end of the year so they get the same cash again for the following year...what do they do?..road maintenance, all at once, on every road. Slows down all vehicles. There's a really crass pun somewhere about travelling on the highways of life but I think it's a fucking given right?

My cat finally had her much anticipated operation. Perhaps now I will not have to suffer the incessant humping of furniture, doors or body parts and the wailing much like that of a porn star getting DP. I'm very pleased she's fixed and I'm sure as soon as February (on-heat) time comes around she will be too.

I've learnt many many lessons this year. The most important is that "to be enlightened is to lighten up"...Hey, If I wasn't laughing so hard at myself I'd be laughing at you so be thankful. I've learnt more about who I am as a person in one year than I have in 30 odd years.

I'm a tough cookie...and the more you throw at me the more I come back fighting. I can handle the worst of the worst as long as it doesn't relate to my love life (weak spot right there) and I'll keep on fighting for everything I believe in and not sell out to the highest bidder for anyone. A very good friend summed it up. One day I said to her "I just don't know why it's me, you know, who continues to get all the shit all of the time?" She replied "Because you've got strong shoulders and you can carry the load"...you know what, I think she's right...even if she does lick my till ;o)

I realised this year that I have a great deal of compassion for the people in my life. This year has brought me a great many good friends that I'm so bloody fortunate to have met. They are not fair weather friends and I know that no matter where I am, or what happens in the future they will be there through thick and thin with me.

Despite my previous mis-conceptions about myself, I finally realised that I am high on life and I warrant most of this to living amongst kind hearted people living in a spectacular place. I NEVER take my home here on the island for granted. Every sunrise, every sunset, every weather condition, every road that I travel down, every mountain that I cross....it's all so breathtaking that it blows me away every time.

I am not making any New Years Resolutions...For starters that would imply that I have drastic changes to make and I decided I don't need to change a thing about myself (well...other than the rather large bouncy behind and a few extra pounds that could be burnt off by obtaining a sex life). Another thing is that a resolution is "resolute" which suggests extra stress and pressure at the beginning of the year...just what you need really!

I am going to state that in the New Year....I will continue to be as giving as I can be, have as much fun as I can in all aspects of my life, treat others as I would wish to be treated, and continue my quest to learn as much as I can about the world and it's inhabitants which helps provide me with more tolerance for things I do not understand. I will of course be trying to hook up with Johnny Depp and get a record deal from Simon Cowell as always...

Stardust and Ashes........

Things are not good right now... that's to say that if I was sucked into a wormhole in time and space on a continuous loop of all the mistakes I've made through my life, it would be marginally better than it is right now.

There's a great deal going on in Bridget's world at the present time and if I was a lesser person I'd be saying bollocks to it about now. Unfortunately I'm not a lesser person and apparently I'm a sadist too for all the pain and hardship I continue to endure on a daily basis.

I'm sorry to not have written a blog for so long as it really helps me gain perspective on what's going on in my own head.

Let's start by saying that my parents visited a few weeks ago. They brought with them my favourite aunt and uncle whom I've not seen in a long long time. It was a great pleasure to see them and the time off that I had was great. To tell you the truth, I really needed a break from the gruelling routine that I've found myself living by. It's sort of silly really that I should require a break from what should be the most satisfying and liberating lifestyle you could get.

I'm feeling low at the moment. I loved having my family here to visit but it was when they returned home that I realised how completely and utterly alone I actually am. I have made some of the most terrific awe inspiring friends and I don't wish to offend them by saying I'm alone. However, when it comes down to it, that's how it is.

Right now it feels like my dreams, made of stardust are burning themselves out and turning to ash and no matter how hard I try, how well I do things or how friendly, sincere and caring I can be, it seems I'm getting kicked from all directions. The survival mode that I went into almost immediately upon arrival in this country has taken over and instead of reminding myself that I'm worth so much more, I'm in a perpetual state of readiness for the next disaster.

I'm not sure how you get out of this state short of an epiphany or as alcoholics call it "moment of clarity". I had such an epiphany earlier this week when I realised that the company that I work for, with all of it's "family" values has decided that I'm not worth caring about. I have never mentioned my company's name as I have a great deal of respect for the people I work with. They are without a doubt some of the most genuine, kind and wonderful people that I have met throughout my 32 years of living. This is why I am finding this so completely soul destroying.

I made a mistake a month or so ago and was reprimanded with a final warning. I've never had a warning in my life so it was pretty distressing to me. I apologised for my mistake and meant every word. Hands up if you've ever made a mistake? Every person reading this should have their hands up about now. Did I intentionally go out to make a mistake? No. Did I take responsibility for my actions? Yes.

And yet, my company whom I have worked for vigilantly, honestly, and completely loyally have decided that my dedication and extra efforts are no longer required. To all intents and purposes all of the hard work has been overlooked by one mistake. The family run company was taken over by a bigger corporate company and there seems to be distress over the company straying away from it's roots. If that were the case, they would be fighting harder to keep the people that truly care about holding legacies left by a guy who had a dream of running his own family store.

The option I've been given is to be demoted and go part time. This is not any kind of option for me as I'm here alone and part time does not cover my bills let alone allow me to live. I have the option of getting a second job and running myself into the ground in that same survival mode ("Get her done" mode) or taking part time and seeing if I can get extra shifts in other departments which, again I'm not a stranger to.

There is however a third option that I'm beginning to see more clearly. To accept that I'm smarter than these options. To accept that I'm not a horrible person. To accept that I'm worth more. In short, to start paying attention to everyone I know who cares about me who tells me these things all the time to have me not hear them or better still not listen.

With a large IQ on my side you'd have thought this would have occurred to me earlier, but when it's a case of listening to my head rather than my heart I tend to fall flat.

I am a great people person, I have qualities and skills that most would find difficult to duplicate over the course of their lifetime and that's thanks to what I've learnt from others. I need to learn to look at my qualities and not my flaws (that's a Virgo thing too). I am an asset to any company that hires me and though I may not always be right and may make the odd mistake (like all of us do from time to time) there is no malice, no pre-occupation to cause distress and no predetermined act to create mischief or cause upset to anyone or anything.

I'm a happy person in a not so pleasant world that sneers and looks down on my willingness to accept others from whatever background wherever that background may be and not judge. I have no room for judgement. The whole "my shit don't stink" attitude is so hypocritical as we've all done things we're not proud of.

I'm working on it...the whole stardust theory. We're all made of it. Those who are lucky will find a way to keep shining and not burn to ashes. Those who are lucky will lift up and float in a sky full of stars and never look back. Hope is stardust, dreams are stardust and I still have both.......

Do I have scales??? All singles do you know...

Guest at Party: "Yes, Why is it there are so many unmarried women in their 30's now then Bridget?"
Bridget: "Oh I don't know.....suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our whole bodies are covered in scales...."

It's at that point that I turn round and say "Have you got fat or are you pregnant....again?" Let's just talk about something else shall we...

People often annoy me. Not in a serious way but in a way that stimulates my lesser qualities needs for mischief. So when faced with questions as to why I'm single AND in my 30's I often decide to play devious.

Some retorts to those conversations: -

* Well, I don't seem to have much time for it when most of my time is made up of Devil worshipping and Delia Smith's home cooking recipes.

* I'm just waiting for the right girl to come along and whisk me off my feet.

* I'm too wasted on Meth and Ouzo to care most of the time.

* Didn't your husband tell you? I felt sure he would as he told me that he would stand by me...

It's like the most exclusive club you can hope to be in without hoping to be in it. The couples club.

Usually I try not to retaliate. I smile and laugh and join in the conversation remembering that I am NOT yet a Stepford wife with buttons instead of a brain.

They flock in pairs, chittering (chatting and twittering) amongst the others in their pride about useless things that don't concern me and expect ME to be on trial for my choices??

They seem to think that I'm single because I haven't got my shit together or I have some sort of serious flaw but truthfully THEY couldn't be more wrong. The last 5 years have been somewhat crucial in my decision making process and instead of jumping into "the collective" I've decided to come to peace with myself first. Take care of myself, you know. *placates the angry gods by flogging herself with birch branches to the soothing sounds of chuch bells*

It's only when you take a time out that you see what you need to do and where you need to be. For me that is not discussing how the neighbour's house colour diminishes the look of the street, or how "beige" is in this year, or what family car hold the most fuel efficiency, or how so-and-so looks so awful now her husband left her.

I find that the collective forget to check out the smaller more insignificant things that would spark my interest but as a couple they feel embarrassed to be...well...simply themselves. It's funny how you spend your life wanting to be in a relationship with someone and then the other half wishing you hadn't.

On the upside of singledom, I can go where I please, when I please, I can wear what I like without having judgement thrust upon me. I can spend my days off how I want, where I want, and my evenings singing or writing or watching movies and TV. In essence, I am free to do whatever the fuck I want to.

On the downside, I do it alone.

The alternative however is far more horrifying. Getting paired up just for the sake of it...you know who you are. Can you imagine? If I were to try to do that I would probably end up with a drug dealing hippy who likes listening to Joe Cocker in his underpants whilst watching Jeopardy and living in a trailer park eating Doritos by the truck load.

Someone once told me that to know yourself inside and out is to be truly alive and I have to agree. If you know yourself well enough anything is possible and anything can and invariably will happen.

I'm not against couples at all. In fact, I'd love to be in one. But for me it has to be the RIGHT one. Not just a half hearted decision to be with someone. Been there done that. In truth, even at 31, I've made some of the most dreadful relationship mistakes EVER...

* Dated a guy who was in to feet..eeeewww
* Guy who was into serious drugs
* Guy who tried to drown me in a hot tub and almost succeeded
* Girl with psychotic tendencies
* Guy who liked to beat up girlfriends when he got angry
* Guys (plural) who did not want to commit
* Guy who was obsessive and overbearing

And many more...So you can see that I want to do it right next time round. Yes, I know..and I've psycho-analysed it all myself and I know now what went wrong with my choices of the past. I didn't like or respect myself enough. That's the truth. I always felt inadequate both in looks and personality. It's not my parents fault. I had a great childhood. It's something more than that.

I now know who I am and I'm fine with it to a point. I've never considered myself particularly attractive. I see great beauty each and every day (in people and things) and I don't think I've ever been able to compare myself to anything that amazing. It's another of my self-preservation psyches. I'd far rather just admit that I'm not terribly attractive but I make up for it in personality instead. To each their own and my abundance is clear to me. Funny and interesting over pretty, sounds okay to me.

So couples of the world, be kind. Us singles don't sit there wallowing. We sit with hope that we may find someone of our choosing and not because "you say so". We don't sit in the dark listening to Celine Dion (almost threw up a bit there) or singing crazy love ballads (unless it's Nat & Stitch's Karaoke night) whilst plowing our way through 6 litres of Haagen Dazs. We don't eagerly await Celebrity Love Island on TV or watch those shitty "made for TV" movies.

We are actual people with actual lives that are filled with a great deal of happiness, just like you. So next time we meet, don't be so quick to label us as the "monster under the sea". Smug couples finish last, didn't you know?.....

Sponsored by : Lonely Singles Suicide Hotline Tel: 1-800-JUST-JUMP or email us at www. losers-are-us.tv

There's something out there.....

There are all kinds of things that you and I cannot explain out there and I used to think that this was generally confined to the paranormal...You know...ghosts, UFO sightings, government conspiracies, the popularity of the movie "Titanic" and the singer Celine Dion and the likes.

It occurs to me however that we should also be looking closer to home. The human condition itself...living, breathing, walking and talking are singularly not incredibly complex when you look at it, but when placed together with other humans doing the same thing something quite amazing can occur.

Sometimes you can feel it...the electricity in the air. If I walk into work and the place is on a downer I feel it to the point where it hurts... So, I go the opposite way and try to lift it. It's empathetic to me to work for the collective which in turn works for me. If they're happy, I'm happy. I have incredible social survival skills which allow me to tune in to what "the collective" needs to get the job done which therefore also fulfills my need. To some this may be called "pandering" or "kissing arse" to others it may be management skills, to some a new age theorem long since dead. It's all the same to me....a requirement to be met.

It's a singular purpose brought together by multiple ideals that I'm talking about and it's quite magical. Not in the Harry Potter teenage angst way but in the "Why does an object do the things it does?" kinda way. It fascinates me. Human psychology itself hangs in the balance of ideals made by the collective rather than one singular cell or organism and yet it takes a couple of solid ideas from singular brains to devise a collective.

No...I haven't been smoking pot...Just very philosophical today. I'm a social philanthropist who has a systematic weakness of empathy and I guess I picked that up from life's little journeys thrown at me in a very random and curious manner.

What sparked off this post???...I can understand connections made when people are face to face. You know, finishing someones sentences is something that doesn't happen too often but DOES happen. Why? Body language, a clear purpose of conversation and meaning, and a like minded personality.

Today, a friend continued a conversation by Facebook without any hints, gestures or pre-determined efforts on my part and without me even having pieced together sub-text in my own thoughts of why I'd posted a picture on my page, I didn't even realise until later...Is that even possible?? Face to face, yes. Over the magical interweb?? I did not know that was even possible.....

I think it's safe to say that we are all far more connected than we realise or choose to see. When forming bonds, we sub-consciously choose people who are similar to ourselves. Whether it be intellectual affirmation (background, language, commonality of beliefs) or physical ( height, eye colour, posture, gestures), we choose with a singular purpose... to meet our expectations and needs (Maslow's hierarchy of needs).

I sound like a mad scientist right now and I don't mean to but I'm typing whilst my thought process allows so bear with me.

It's pretty cool really. To think that your life is surrounded by a pre-requisite of like minded people with a common strength is pretty spectacular. You may not be able to quantify it like you can looking at the moon and stars or seeing a new life emerge but it's what we don't see that should also make us wonder and impress us.

The close bonds that we form in any instance are the one's to wonder at. How someone else can "get" us is pretty much what it's all about. So for those of you who are huge "facebook friend" collectors....How many of those people that you added actually really KNOW YOU?? How many contact you on a regular basis with more than a "cute pic" remark?? Why not have a spring clean of your collection and sort the "friends" from the "not so much". It's not a status symbol to have 875 facebook friends in fact, on the contrary, that would suggest to me that you don't know yourself well enough to know who your real friends are.

We're all kinda like onions......*reeling at how immature and uneducated that one sounds*...peeling back the layers of our lives is what we do when we get to know each other. The layers can be barriers, containing traumatic events and horrors which we'd sooner forget than have someone try to cut through. They can be like protective shields that secure us in our own skins and stop us from feeling enormous hurt from past and present. It's only our needs that keep the barriers there. The good stuff spills out automatically because we don't fear it.

When we feel at ease, we help to peel back a layer and in turn let something of ourselves release into the ether, helping us to move forward. I never realised that about myself until now. Like most people, I've built barriers around the complexities of life which I choose to forget and felt that I was inevitably protecting my arse from any serious harm in doing so.

As far as friends go, I stay true and loyal to my close friends and anything after close friends can wait in line for my allegiance.

The human condition and circumstance IS a wonder of the world. Lets try to use part of our busy schedule during the day to re-connect with those we are closest to. Being independent isn't enough. It's great until you realise that once again your sitting at home, alone with your cat (crazy cat lady scenario) or a TV show you care nothing about...

And in case you were wondering, Confucius say " Listen to Bridget...And your life will be full of joy...."

Mall Cops...Think they're S.W.A.T - They're NOT..!

Warning....this is a rant. In case you're thinking that this is going to be one of those fluffy feely blogs with a heart rendering conclusion it's far from it. Insert evil laugh here "Mwah ha ha ha....".

So just the other day I was walking to work and smoking on my way as I generally do. Out of nowhere (literally) this Mall cop stops me and this is how the conversation went.......

MC: Hi.

Nat: Hi.

MC: You're not supposed to be smoking on the sidewalk.

Nat: Oh?

MC: You'll have to move it and walk past the yellow line.

Nat: But that would be walking in the road.

MC: Yes, please move past the yellow line or extinguish your cigarette.

Nat: But what if I get run over in the road? Is it okay for me to sue the mall?

MC: I can't answer that but you need to move past the yellow line miss if you want to continue smoking.

Nat: No-one has ever told me that I can't smoke on the sidewalk and I don't see any signs posted.

MC: I'm telling you now.

Nat (in her mind): Whatcha gonna do mall cop? You gonna get on your little walkie talkie to your other mall buddies eh? Give them some action eh? Rough me up a bit hmmm? Tell all your other buddies at the Mall Cop Annual Convention that you had some serious shit going down at the mall and had to be serious tough guys? You wanna go home and email people about how tough you are beating on an English girl huh?? huh? well do ya?????

Some people get seriously retarded when given too much power and these "RCMP rejects" are no different. They walk around, sorry strut around, wearing a uniform that is simply inappropriate for their day to day tasks. It looks like if we had the next world war they would be more prepared than cockroaches and survive any nuclear explosions with that amazing "stronger than Kevlar" vest.

I'm truly surprised that they don't have cans of mace, cuffs and batons at their side in case of any serious mall offenses such as dropping litter, spitting on the sidewalk or shoplifting occur. Terribly dangerous stuff. I'm wondering how a neanderthal would conduct an interrogation of some unsuspecting fool who just walked through the exit instead of the entrance...would they be banned from the mall entirely??

Here are the requirements that need to be met even before they will look at your resume in order to become a mall cop. You Need:

1. An astronomical sense of self belief..you know, like those cocky people who think they can sing but can't on American Idol and everyone's laughing AT them rather than with them.

2. They have to be living with their mothers - it's a must. Who else is going to pack their lunches?

3. They're the only people that have those fantasy statuettes of naked women holding swords in leather g-strings.

4. Have the Bruce Lee Ultimate Fighters Movie Collection along with their very own set of custom made nunchucks.

5. Have a full years subscription to an online dating service.

6. Have the soundtrack to Roadhouse in their vehicle.

7. Have NOT completed any source of education which means they will do exactly what mall services want them to do...you know, like zombies or better still robots. They don't have souls you see, no emotions.

8. Carry a reasonably inexpensive Maglite to show use of ingenuity and lethal force if required.

If you ever see them in action, they're like "real cops" fluffing round (just made that word up - sounds cool doesn't it) looking important and trying to look serious yet strangely without the powers of detainment.

I wonder why that is???

Probably because they failed the psych test for the cops or weren't fit enough (all those donuts and McD's from the food court eh). Besides if you really think about it, other than a few small infractions, what would they possible do all day except tell people off which let's face it we all got enough off when we were younger.

I really don't need some overweight, understudied oaf telling me where I can and can't walk, smoke or park. Next it will be telling me where and when I can breath or whether I'm permitted to do a no.1 or no.2 in the restroom. Jerks.