And the winner for "most likely to fall dramatically in heels" is...Defying gravity Pt 2...

 

 

Sorry for the delay guys, it turns out Johnny Depp wasn't quite finished obsessing about me. In an attempt to win me over he decided to send me a dozen roses every hour for the past 3 days. It so embarrassing when you have to call the FBI on a major celebrity for stalking a practical nobody. Besides, who the hell can move around in a home full of roses? I mean FULL. And then there are the allergies. He should know better by now, that I'm not interested, never will be no matter how many different tactics he tries.

 

Its also really hard to concentrate on writing the funny when someone is stalking you dressed as a bunny with night-vision goggles on. It's terribly alarming. I wouldn't have been concerned but it seemed odd to me that a bunny was climbing a tree...

 

back to the "learns" anyhow...

 

14) No matter how completely beautiful the heels, don't try to protect them over your teeth if you fall. Take it from someone who has tried and tested that theory recently (for scientific purposes only of course). My gorgeous heels remained in tact but right now I have the smile of an NHL goalie. I guess that's what happens on wild nights in Canada with good friends. Addendum to this learn - make sure you have amazing friends round you if you choose to save those heels. A keeper is someone who says "Hey, you know, it really doesn't look that bad" or " Wow, you can barely notice it now" even when you know that the mirror jumps off the wall every time you look in it. It's not how we fall that matters but how we get back up that counts...I had to go into work with a face like a slapped arse and a smile that would melt icebergs...literally...because their screaming at the horror.

 

15) Never ask your cat their opinion on new clothing. All they do is glare at you and once your back is turned and the clothes are on the bed either lie on it and leave enough fluff to choke the entire population of Belgium or claw it so that the new clothes are now the "snagged semi-new old looking clothes". My psychotic feline is starring at me just because I'm sharing her secret. No doubt she'll smother me in my sleep.

 

16) When things look their worst take it as a challenge rather than a problem. Never forget WHO you are and why it's happening. You can either choose to be pro-active when the proverbial shit hits the fan or sink into the abyss where things get much much worse. Always remember that it could be worse and others actually do have it worse than you. I've travelled to a lot of places but one of the best was Montserrat in the Caribbean (for those that need a quick recap of geography - the island is atop of an active volcano) and the people stunned me. So completely friendly, relaxed and so alive even though their capital Plymouth was lost underneath 20ft of molten ash. All that remains is the top of a church steeple. Their car licence plates have a tag line above the top. We have "Beautiful BC" or "The best place on Earth". Theirs is simply "It could be worse". Seriously, I'm NOT kidding.

 

17) Learn to laugh at yourself often. I'm lucky as I have such an amazing catalogue of accident prone, dizzy blonde idiotic moments to choose from. I know you guys are happy about that too. If you can't laugh at yourself and your own misdeeds there is something sadly lacking in your life. Laughter is really the best medicine for any situation. If someone can make me laugh, I will very quickly call them friend. We're all in it together even if we feel alone. My triumphs, tragedies and life lessons are shared not as a cautionary tale of what to do if you find yourself British, 6ft and blonde but for your amusement and for my own. For shits and giggles so to speak. If you do however have to use the bathroom for the former please do it now and take air freshener with you.

 

18) Dogs really are very cute and loyal and unlike our feline "frenemies" will not try to murder us in our sleep. Cat owners will appreciate what I'm saying. To those of you who've had the following happen in the middle of the night... a tail thrust down your gullet (Alien-esque visuals), your kitty trying to suffocate you by lying on your face, a claw tapping at your foot or the obligatory bite or paw to the nose. All of the above are to see if they've finally done away with you along with the war cry miaow at 3am or insufferable 200 decibel purring (they do this because you'll think their innocent of their crimes) to see if you stir. If you have any of the above and wake in the night to find you cat staring at you silently it is only out of sheer disgust that they can still see you stomach breathing up and down. Total world domination is their thing. Where did it all go wrong their thinking? "Ancient Egyptians used to be afraid of us and now the most deadly fart won't get rid of these humans...they must have been bred with cockroaches so that they survive a nuclear blast!"  Dogs are however lacking brain and plotting power and will never take over the world due to this. Think about it logically, look into a dogs eyes and you see exactly what their thinking...a cat however is far more devious and perceptive and will one day murder you in cold blood.

 

19) Passing judgement is like passing wind...it leaves you with a very nasty taste in your mouth. Live without judgement and you'll never have to taste the fart. Even if you think yours smell good someone else will gag. PS...If you're thinking of stealing this phrase, it's now copy-written because I laughed so much as I was writing it.

 

20) Country music is actually *dare I say it* pretty cool. There was a time when country music was about one thing...my lover left me, they re-possessed my car, kicked me out of my home, the dog ran away, I slept with my best friends gal and got VD but I still love her even though she's dating my girlfriend and I'm working in a bar drinking myself into a coma thinking about grandma that passed away and how dis-appointed she'd be in me. You can interchange that with working in a burger joint too but a bar is more fun. My favourite song right now is by Carrie Underwood and the lyrics say it all..."the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog". The ladies rule country it's true to say. "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixies, "Don't even know his last name" by Carrie & even some of Taylor's new stuff is great although rather more pop genre. Country really has progressed in female empowerment. That twangy guitar and the sad ole sob story are long gone. Way to go country!!

 

21) Family is the most important thing in my life. Whether it be the family back in the UK (Mum, Dad, Kate & Jack) or my work friends in particular my bosses/family (crass as it may sound you are my family) or my amazing friends here at home who are particularly incredible and treat me as a part of their own family. You've all seen what a giant tit I can be at some point. You've all seen the disastrous choices I can make. You've all seen the catastrophic whirlwind of my "what you see is what you get" personality and what that entails and yet you all stand by me. I've learnt so much about myself, including finding my place in the scheme of things. I know you think I don't listen but I truly do and I'm trying my best not to repeat any mistakes. It's a tough road to walk when you are completely alone in a different country but the best medicine is learning from those that you care about and respect...and I do.

 It's weird when you come to realise that someplace is part of your soul, and although you may be from somewhere different, in the right place, under the right circumstances you can change your idea of where home truly is. Having just visited home recently (Britain) where I spent the majority of my life I can honestly say that I missed my home, here in Canada. I think I was born on the wrong continent. I suddenly saw that moment of clarity where the past remained just so...in the past. The future is now (sorry Vodaphone, stole that tag line from you) and for me it's spoken in Canadian all the way. Underneath it all, the only thing that matters to me in life is being as good as I can be for you. As painful as it is to utter these words " the best version of myself that I can be". I'm not to everybody's taste but I will always try my best to do right by everyone that counts in my life. Mum/Dad if you're reading this, I'm exactly where I want to be and I have amazing people around me that look out for me 24/7 so don't ever worry. I love you guys...I can feel the love in the room...it's been emotional you beautiful Canadians.

 

22) Spiders in Canada are not as friendly as UK spiders. We have the boring non-threatening spiders in the UK. The kind that you can flick out of the window and you almost hear them scream and begin to think about their family missing them (how is the spidey family going to buy bread for the little ones now?). Here in Canada they're more the mug you in the street, take your purse and kick you to the ground type. Perhaps a gentle stabbing to boot. I realised this when a wolf spider decided to get into bed with me. It wasn't the romantic "hey honey, lets have some fun" get into bed. I was pierced (and not in the erotic way) by fangs in the arse and it was painful for weeks. I didn't have any heart to tell anyone but for the first 24 hours I felt the way Peter Parker would have felt getting the bite from the radio-active spider and soon after becoming Spiderman. Not in the great super-strength, web spinning, climbing buildings way either. I felt quaint. Only English word to describe it. Then just pain. I subsequently went on to look at google (never do that with bugs...it's like self-diagnosing a hypochondriac) and the pictures close up and symptoms of bites etc...Then my landlady told me about the reclusive spider...GOOGLE it!! It's monstrous...and called reclusive for a reason...NO-ONE wants to be his room mate! I'm praying I never run into one. I'm never clearing out my storage area that's a given.

 

23) Cats eat spiders no matter how big or vicious. My cat is a psychotic schizophrenic (Hence the name Stitch, ironically from Disney's Lilo & Stitch) and therefore as much as she'd love me to die a horrible death from a spider bite she'd rather finish me off herself in some thought out ingenious way devised by herself. Ergo, learn 23.1) My cat would rather jump in front of a bullet for me so that much later, whilst I'm comfy in bed she can kill me the only way she knows best - a lethal dose of cat lick to the face (It's generally considered "cat acid" as she's licked her butt several times first).

 

24) Sex is like a highly rated book review in the New York Times - Even if it has a shiny exciting book cover don't be fooled. It has to have substance, mystique and a happy ending to make you feel great...the happy ending of course is the point.

 

25) The two greatest TV shows of all time are Sex & The City and The West Wing. One will make you quiver with anticipation and the other makes fiction seem factual...can you guess which? As a single lady, I have to say the intellect of the writers on both shows were simply superb. I learnt a great deal from both...I'm blessed to say that learning how to have an orgasm/giving one to the the President of the US was not one of them. Although I think I'd make a wonderful first lady one day, I'm guessing that watching Sex & the City for sexual prowess was not a pre-requisite. I do think however that Obama employed some of the writers of the West Wing as his speech writers...let's just say it was either very ahead of its time in predictions or perhaps (Spoiler alert) some of the content was re-used through his presidency.

 

26) Being smart is not a crime, it's a privilege...its when you combine the word with arse that you get into trouble. Don't be a smart arse...no-one will like you.

 

27) Even if snow is white and not yellow it's better to boil it first. You never know when some squirrel has a sexual disease that you don't know about...

 

28) The moon is not actually made of cheese or I'd have eaten it already.

 

29) Just because some of us have a dry sense of humour doesn't make us un-funny. You'd be surprised how many of us un-funny dry people there are on this planet. I could name names but I don't want them to feel they have to be funny just for you. Watch for the dry people on the planet. They are normally very smart,(un-emotional) emotional people and have a singular thread mind that detaches slightly from reality (or your emotional reality). If you find one, befriend them instantly. The comedy alone from single liners will be worth sticking round for.

 

30) The meaning of life is loving what you do in love, work & friendship. If something is negative, get rid of it. It's a cancer that will spread the negative across your life and make you feel like shit. If there is a situation that makes you feel crappy, change it. If you don't like work, try something else. If there is someone in your life that makes you feel bad about yourself, ditch them. As cut-throat as that might seem, it will help you in the long run. The trick of doing all of this is to face your fear and not be afraid of the un-certain. Fear is a negative aspect in your life and will diminish all of the future events that you could accomplish. It puts pay to the successes you might have in life and brings only negative in. Positive attracts positive. Only a positive person will help you truly be happy and truly be yourself...those are the keepers. Encouragement from anyone in life is a gift in progression of the soul. Don't ever be too afraid to be yourself and love every minute of it. The second you lay waste to negative ambition (ego, narcissism, sociopathic interference) you lose. Simple is better. Simple is positive. Keep it simple, love what you do in life and the greatest achievements are what follows...that is your future..,..

 

For more advice contact 1-800-DAMNITIMGOOD or email Nat@allcreditcardsokorgoldteethaccepted.ca     

 

And the winner for "most likely to fall dramatically in heels" is...Defying gravity Pt 1...

 

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

 

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

It's a great year...I can feel it. In the world of Canadian Bridget...all is well. I have plans...huge plans for the first time really in what I want to achieve this year. Those plans do not include falling for fuck wits, arseholes, leeches, players, douche bags (still love the Canadian of that) and mama's boys or in any way shape or form being walked all over. Nor do those plans include having housing issues, car troubles, financial worries or health scares (the red wine alone wards off the evil spirits that might cause any of the above, I keep a healthy dose of it just in case - who knows when Linda Blair might come calling).

The benefits of having had all of those things go tits up in the past (normally all at once) is the fact that NOW, finally I'm ready for anything. Johnny Depp has finally stopped incessantly calling me and showing up on my doorstep (finally got the hint and got engaged to someone else...sources state it was just to make ME jealous - whatever!).

I'm in an awesome state of being right now and before I get too spiritual and lunar with everyone let me just state that a good life is in fact a state of mind. If you feel good about everything, life plays out JUST so much easier. Are there things I want to change? Holy shit yes. Do I feel confident enough to change them with the sheer force of will stating that I know I can achieve them? Yes I do. If there was a presidential candidacy for British chicks with big egos, even bigger heels and an even bigger mouth I might give Obama a run for his money. Not that I think that would be difficult...YES WE CAN?...Guess he had the speechwriters for Sesame Street think up that phrase for him. 2 terms? Not such a bad policy.

When it comes to learning, I've got it down pat. Here's some of Bridget's top "learns" from the past few years...Try it. I promise, I'll make you laugh at least once...isn't that what it's all about...

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

1. Fruity does not mean horny in Canada, it means something entirely different. Do not pass the time chatting to a customer in a checkout line and call him such as he might be easily offended. Luckily for me he saw it as a trans-Atlantic faux pas and giggled. Could have been much worse.

2. Do not drunk call your cats in the UK at 3am UK time. They will not answer.

3. Hockey is actually "the best game you can name".  Not being a super butch sports fan in the UK, I didn't really see the glamour in watching a bunch of guys skate with large wooden sticks knocking seven shades of shit out of each other whilst trying to get that little disc in the back of the net. In fact, I think I avoided Canada's national beloved sport for the first entire year I was here. I missed out. The first game I actually watched showed me what it's all about. Sweaty hockey dudes with enormous...amounts of adrenalin actually having full on fights on the ice whilst trying to stick to the rules...Many of the players on the Vancouver Canucks team are possible future husband material now...gotta love the thrill of the game!

4. Feel free to be cocky whenever you please, but make sure you have the mad crazy skills to back it up. If you don't, stay away...you'll just look like a knob-jockey.

5. ABBA & Barry Mannilow are your best friends when drunken cleaning the house (C'mon, you know you do it). They provide the best possible back up vocals whilst you practice your amazing dance moves and singing round the living room. Don't forget the remote for the mike as you sing. Your cat may look on disapprovingly and sneer at you (probably because you spilled red wine over her earlier) but you know that Simon Cowell would sign you in an instant if he had the chance.

6. In the same breath - Be careful of the scornful cat in the morning. You know she wants to kill you (it's obvious, she always has - it's the master-plan) so perhaps look out for anti-social behaviour the next morning. Watch for obvious tactical plans on her part such as lying in front of the tub where she knows you'll shower in the morning. She's hoping that you will not see her and trip garroting yourself of the shower curtain or possibly swallowing the soap and choking. She also uses the "big smelly poo" technique to try to fill your lungs with noxious gases...you could die from those you know? The best way to tell if she is plotting this is a) she joins you in bed in the night but sleeps on your pillow whilst choking your face with her body fluff or b) you wake up in the middle of the night and she's on the bed frame just watching you and giving you the deadly stink eye. She wants to kill Simon Cowell too though so just hope she goes after him first. To be fair, from a cat's perspective he's the first to go for as he has a far hairier chest than you.

7. Don't be fooled gentlemen, it's not a man's world anymore!! Canada, the only thing I'm dis-appointed in is the middle age attitude towards us girls and how strong we actually are. We don't need the white knight anymore...we're not pathetic useless individuals who know no means to support or look after ourselves. There's a difference between being protective and manly over assuming we can't conquer the world ourselves and deal with everyday occurrences with ease and poise. Behind every good man there's a great woman or so the proverb tells. It's true. Deal with it. If you guys were left alone you'd almost certainly die from over abundance of take out food, the inability to procreate and the lack of having clean pressed trousers to wear. Maybe I'm biased, but I never felt this stigma in the UK. Perhaps because of the equality laws evolved through a much larger history or possibly the vast wilds of nature here in Canada make you men feel we can't cope. Whichever way you look at it boys...you'd be lost without us. Sisters are doing it for themselves these days and without sounding like a burning bra feminist (I'm not, I actually like bra shopping) you need to cut us a bit more slack and give us a chance before the laws decide to do it for you. Be pro-active and be smart.

8. Wood chopping is completely fun!! Whether cracking a beer in the garden using an axe or splitting wood with a compressor it's just back to basics, wilderness training, person making good stuff! Every teen should do it as a character building exercise hehe I was first introduced over the past year as my fireplace did not fit the big hunks of wood required so I had to chop smaller pieces. My beautiful landlady (friend) gave me the basics, you know..."Nat, you need to wear shoes instead of flip flops", stance, swing, hands etc. There's a lot to it. I'm sure I look ridiculous...it's not often you see a 6ft blonde chopping wood in the forest in 6 inch heels....I'm kidding of course, health & safety is important to me and all that sh**!

9. When you have back problems due to the wood cutting, red wine and T3's (painkiller for those in the UK) are a great solution. I'm no doctor so seek medical attention, don't follow my advice...I'm only a lowly writer...but as a lowly writer I can say the mix is fabulous...unless you call up a friend and end up speaking to your boss instead. I can't tell you the conversation but was mortified in the morning.

10. #### Hashtags are completely pointless...avoid anyone who uses them.

11. Along the same vein, please employers...please, please, please...only employ people who are able to speak full sentences. The youthful generalisation of shortening every word is quite frankly painful and hideous. OMG! LOL! FML! I blame social media (especially Urban Dictionary) for the loss of the English language and more additions that mean nothing and as a scholar of English literature it pains me to hear how short conversations are acceptable in society. The funniest part of the future is that the kids believe that watching and reading the past is so completely retro it makes them cool. Try speaking properly and using the same values as way back when and you'll be truly retro!! This affects the new generational moral compass no end. I'm sure Shakespeare/Elliott/ Tennyson etc would roll over in their graves watching Jersey Shores...though I'd love to see that lol.
Whilst ranting on the same vein, parents, It would be great if you taught your kids work ethic too. I'm a little pissed off at guessing whether someone has work ethic. It's something my dad taught me early on and seems not to matter to parents any more. Perhaps I'm too poor and my opinion doesn't count anymore as it seems the more well off the child the less they care about the world around them. I generalise but it seems that the more you spoil your child the worse the manners and ethics get. It just seems to me that if something is worth saying, it's worth saying well and properly...I'm old school, what can I say?

12.  Nature in Canada is to be loved...unless you're unused to it and then you're allowed to wail at the top of your voice...I mean an insane girlie scream! I loved raccoons, loved THEM! Watched the TV show, you know that animated one with the raccoons with seriously bent noses...until I met one personally the first year I was here. When I baby talked it and it hissed at me and stalked me in my back yard I decided it probably had rabies and wanted to kill me like Cujo...the only reason I never wanted a dog - damn you Stephen King. The other nature is incredible though...as long as you are bigger than it. Everything however, is bigger than you so it's tough. The second you see an otter though (unless you own a boat) the piercing hatred dissipates forever...

13. I'm superstitious and it's my lucky number so - no comment.

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity...

 

More learns to come if you'll allow....I'm sorry to say...next installment shortly..

Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown....

Flight Attendant Steve: You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: Oh, you can't get any where in three seconds!
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, you better try.
Annie: You're setting me up for a loss already.

I know what you're going to say...you're going to tell me that you though I'd been mauled to death by a grizzly bear in the wilderness, or perhaps drafted into the Canadian army and fighting in high heels somewhere across the world where they do not have Internet or blog sites.

To some degree I did kinda fall off the face of the earth this year...what I later found out is that in falling we learn all manner of truths about ourselves...some good and some to put it plainly fucking frightening. So I'm just going to lay it all on the line with this one, you know, warts and all...the gods honest truth. Maybe it will help someone at some point, gosh I can only hope...I'm going to be as honest as I can with you no matter how painful and exhausting it may be for me to re-live it and put it onto my virtual paper. In usual Bridget style, there are always funny moments...but then I'm generally one to laugh first at most occurrences and those who know me well, know that I try not to take life too seriously...

So much has happened this year and I may jump around like Quentin Tarantino and his every so muddled story lines but I'll try not to go off on a tangent.

In order to start, I'll need to tell you what's been happening over the past 5 or 6 weeks. Young Bridget here has moved into the most incredible place...I live on the lake, like, right on the lake. It is just the most incredibly beautiful place, not somewhere I would feel I was worthy of living. I am usually at home with incredibly bad tempered raccoons, noisy taps that when turned make you feel like the whole house is going to cave, a whole cacophony of insects that want to eat you alive and that's not including new evil landlords who's move to Canada was not so much out of a love for the country but perhaps a move simply to piss me off.

These things being said I was happy at my previous home before all of the evil dastardly deeds from 7 year olds who don't seem to want to grow up. So whilst my folks were making their yearly visit, they helped me move into my new place. Apart from a great deal of verbal abuse from the SA landlords and the fact that my folks protected me by keeping their anger silent and the trauma surrounding these events it was a new chapter in my life. I have full time employment as an assistant manager at a grocery store and life seemed pretty good. The picture of almost perfect happiness.

My folks left to go home to the UK and for the next following week I was like a Stepford wife, figuring out furniture, moving everything to where I wanted it, buying things to make it perfect and sitting out on my steps having a smoke and looking out at a view that ultimately made me cry several times. I get very emotional appreciating the little things in life...to you guys out there reading this, probably really happy right now eh ;o)

So imagine my surprise when the following weekend I'm sitting in my beautiful new home crying continuously unable to say why and unable to stop. In my beautiful surroundings I'm crying like a child who just lost their favourite toy (Pengy the penguin was mine) all the time thinking "Cmon Bridge, pull yourself together! Look around you and be incredibly grateful".

The following week at work I notice that people are so grumpy they are unbearable to be around. Completely negative, completely entitled and my tolerance levels become that of a MI5 agent undercover and on crack trying to get to the truth of a secret conspiracy to make caffeine companies part of the new world order...that way, they'd have control over everyone and everything and it would all be legal...mind control at its best ;o)

I begin to start craving fish at this point. Yes it's weird, and let me tell you it's not a British thing. I'm craving vast amounts of fish and nuts...in particular walnuts and canned kippers. At this point in the story, I'd like to say that I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend or partner at this time. There is nothing more unattractive than watching a woman eat 3 tins of kippers and then wolfing down a bag of walnuts. I know my usual style of drinking a great deal, smoking like a chimney, and singing karaoke at the top of my voice is not terribly attractive either but if nothing else it is endearing and I can boast that my voice is worthy of it. I have customers who feel it's funny to try to mimic my voice whilst I'm serving them and instead of laughing it off I'm grimacing the way i did when Keanu Reeves tried to do a British accent in Brams Stokers' Dracula...movie was awesome but I didn't care for his accent at all. You'd think he'd have learnt a bit more Brit in acting school what with Shakespeare and other earthly greats.

So the following weekend I finish at 3.30 on MY Friday, looking forward to chilling out at home, in front of the fire with a nice glass of wine, movie and cat to boot. The cat at this point has picked up on what's going on and is attacking me wherever I go, ignoring me and trying her best to show me her baddest ever EVIL eye. She knew before I did. Once again, I'm crying into my glass of wine unable to stop. My only perception at this point was that my folks had just left and I hadn't been able to see my new nephew yet. Yes, my sister had a baby boy this year! His name is Jack and when I say he's a looker I truly mean he is the most adorable baby I have EVER seen...and not just because he's my nephew. He could be in Calvin Klein adverts he's that charismatic.

For a short while after his birth, I had a fit of jealousy. Sorry sis, but I think you already knew why I hadn't been able to contact you for a few weeks after. My brain was incredibly jealous...all I kept thinking was that I was the older sister and I'd always wanted kids so why does she have one and I don't?? Very childish I know but when you're faced with an eternity to think about such things it starts to wear on you.

So I concluded that my mood was down to these things and that I should just relax....at this point my brain told me that I should get some art supplies and do some art work. I should have known at this stage...I don't do art! I'm utterly crap at it. Singing = amazing, writing = pretty good, poetry = better than pretty good, but art = I can't even draw a stick man and have it accurate or lifelike even in a humorous way! However, I bought supplies and it feels so incredibly relaxing to launch onto a piece of paper with bright colours and create something that I like...even if no-one else would ;o)

I had a good friend round to the house, my first house guest!! He's a truly amazing guy and he brought round Martini's and movies and pizza...it was a great night. We watched Bridesmaids...now, for anyone left on the planet who has not seen it, let me not over exaggerate by telling you that the main character Annie (as pictured above) is me in disguise. I didn't realise until watching this movie how completely fucked up things can get if you don't pay attention. I even commented to my friend how "this is the story of my life right now!"

This went on for a few weeks...the crying, the bad art and the wondering when I would feel okay and it would stop. Then a tragedy struck. I was on Facebook doing my usual rounds and found out that a colleague of mine had died. He was 20 years old and had been involved in a fight that as it turned out was to be deadly. We were not close friends, not the type that see each other all of the time. We worked together and always related and had a laugh when we saw each other. I'm pretty sure that it was this night that my brain malfunctioned. It was the last straw to the relative weirdness that had ensued beforehand. It made me look at my own mortality, my own life and how it was playing out. The guy was an amazing guy and I'm so glad that he had been to Thailand months earlier to travel and do what he had wanted to do.

My brain didn't only malfunction that night. It was trapped in a vortex spiralling downwards into god only knows what. It split in two - like a badly dubbed Bruce Lee movie (which by the way, If I ever made one I would ask Russell Peters to voice for me). One side of my brain was talking to me and trying to comfort me, the other was like an Italian gangster trying to dislodge any positives in my life...Yoo, yoo? Who the hell are yoo? ya think anyone wants to be round a loser like yoo? It really would be better if yoo weren't here yoo...

It got so bad that half of my mis-firing brain had already decided that life was over. I was barely able to block out the images coming from the evil twin in my brain. I was amazed at what I was listening to and even more amazed that it was coming from inside my brain. I'm Bridget! Things have always been fun and positive in my life. Yes, I've dealt with plenty of traumas and dramas but no more or less than others, so where was this coming from??? I begin to drink more and more that night to drown out the evil twin in my brain as I reeled myself through pictures of my friends last trip to Thailand on Facebook. In defiance my good half set up Pay It Forward Canada on Facebook as I wanted to make sure the good outweighed the bad. By the time I went to bed, all I could hear was the evil twin. I remember writing something on a blank sheet of paper, pinning it to the fridge and going wearily to bed.

When I woke up, I felt so completely awful I didn't want to get up. Half hungover, half mortality check into the awful voices in my head. They had not dissipated either. But still I got up and went to make a cup of tea. When i got to the fridge, i could barely remember writing the note but saw it there as plain as the day. "GET A GRIP" . I thank my better demons for writing it to me. It was at this point that I realised my sub-conscious had been trying to tell me something for weeks. At that very second having turned on the TV an advertisement came on as if fated for me to see. The thing with depression is that it sneaks up on you and you never see it coming.

I did a few tests online and with the results prevalent, thought about the actualities of the previous nights rants. I'm educated enough to know when I have a problem and wise enough to admit it. On the one hand I could go to a doctor who will tell me that my body is not producing enough serotonin to cope and that I need to be put on pills for the rest of my unnatural life. On the other, I researched into diets that help to aid the production and this is the route I'll be taking. One of the many things on these sites was that when depressed the body isn't getting enough Omega 3 (fish) or potassium and zinc (nuts)!! I know its pretty risky and I'll have bad days but all the while my good brain is still talking to me, I know that I stand a chance of feeling and getting better.

I can't tell you why this has happened. I live a good life here in the most beautiful place on earth. I know that not having family around has been a factor. That being alone for over 3.5 years has contributed. Finding my soulmate and not being able to be with him is tragic. Nothing has been particularly easy for me and really, I'm not asking for leniency on that scale. Everyone has different issues all around the world. I don't want it to be easy just not quite so hard. I know that all my brain was waiting for was that last little straw. I also however know that every feeling I've had since being here has been genuine, every comment I've made has been heartfelt and every friendship has been golden. I have never once regretted the amazing and somewhat brave move that I made in June 2008. The people that I have met, the kindest generosity that I have encountered, the beauty and true greatness of the north...it makes me feel tearful feeling how privileged I am at this moment...and I didn't even mention my love of the Canucks!!!!! Holy shit, where in gods green earth would you catch me enjoying hockey!!!! I love them with their icy cold hockey matches that warm up with the passion of the game ;o) Especially Kelser prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............

It's hard to admit...I'm not only British, but a Virgo too (incapable of asking for help) so if any of you are asking why I didn't call and chat about this, you know very well why. I'd rather go through a marathon of really bad Woody Allen movies (all of them in my opinion, none of them are really that good or funny...whats all the hype about really????)

The trick of it all is to be in tune with your body, to be in tune with what you want and don't waste any opportunity to be happy and live it to the fullest!! I think if I'd not been as hopeful as I am...I wouldn't even be here right now. Christmas has been an awful time what with the malfunctioning evil twin sat on my shoulder but the people that have mattered have really tried to help me feel welcome and I truly thank my new landlords and my great great friend....what you said Christmas night made sense K and I had a wonderful night talking with you about it all. You will always be a great friend xx

To everyone else out there, I don't know what the future holds for the New Year, but I wish you all the best and promise a whole great deal of writings from me, your slightly unhinged British lunatic..your friend, forever, Bridget I'm still here, I'm still Bridget, I'm still breathing and as long as I am you always have a great friend in me xxx

Anyone for Cake????

This blog is dedicated to my good friend Sandy...Without you Chickie, I would not have acquired the inspiration to push my life along with a giant set of weirdness even I cannot fathom.

The thing is...and I didn't realise until a few months ago that we are in total control of everything that goes on around us. Whether good or bad, chaos theory no longer washes with me after the weirdest of events and circumstances of the past couple of months. I would normally suggest that these things were simply co-incidental or set by some strange dogma that exists in the universe...fuck me, I was wrong.

So I'll go onto that in a while...I need to fill you in on the story so far before I go off on a tangent of thoughts and process revolving around that one. Now I'll warn you, there will be a short bit of explaining and a little tangentism before I get to the funny story okay.

So it's been a while since my last blog and to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I had any fresh material to cover so I stopped writing for a while. Let me start by saying that through challenging times I have found myself a great deal braver than I expected so, yay me!

My landlord decided he wanted to sell the house and gave me 2 months notice to vacate. Work was looking glum and hours scarce, money was incredibly tight and to top it all off I was feeling homesick. My sister was due to give birth and I wanted to be there which I feel was my main issue. I had a non-existent love life, no social life unless you count bob the wonderschlong and a cat who has several personalities and disses my drunken karaoke.

One day, I had a particularly bad day at work. My hours had been reduced again and I was barely surviving as it was and it had been a completely stressful day with people calling in sick and huge line ups at the store. I ended up in the back office with my managers sobbing my heart out and feeling completely done in. As I was leaving a good friend of mine suggested watching a movie that would "change my life" and to a certain extent it has.

I'm sure most of you know what I'm referring to so I won't go into it (saved you from that one Ev). It's about looking at things from a positive perspective and knowing that you can change your circumstances and lifestyle even to exactly how you want it. Everyone is free to do so and when I started to watch it later that night I thought "No Way!! This is some psycho-babble bullshit that I should not be watching as it's likely to piss me off even further".

I'm not one for religion...all that "praise be the Lord" higher on high, my shit don't stink because the Lord created me sort of thing is not my style. I'm not saying it's wrong for others and I don't judge, each to their own. I'm just saying it's not for me. It's the same with Oprah style TV shows and the shows that are specifically designed to make you buy a home gym or food blender or cosmetics that will make you look like Jackie Stallone. It's the indoctrination crap that I hate about it. I have my own mind, please for the love of God let me bloody use it. If I want a blanket, I'll go out and get one without sleeves or a hoodie. If I want beauty products I'll go to the store...not listening to some pimply teenage rocker tell me that even though she has access to beauticians, personal trainers and nutritionists she took the time to try out a "SOLD ON TV" product for a few minor skin issues!

So naturally I was entirely sceptical but the more I watched the more it made sense to me. Weirdness started to form straight after watching it. It's like the movie "The Ring" only you don't die after watching it or end up having your head smashed through a TV or drowning in a well. I logged onto Facebook which is pretty regular if not obsessive at times to see what was going on in cyberspace. I decided to play one of my online games and hit the jackpot straight away. Never happened before...but I wanted to test the theory.

I played for a while and then sent my sorry ass to bed, hugging a stuffed toy and crying. I should point out at this time that my landlord had sold the house and the new family had just moved in. Lovely South African couple with two kids that decided they wanted me to stay on as a tenant. They quickly endeared themselves to me. Mum and dad introduced me to the kids as "Auntie Natalie" and since their arrival the place has a new lease of life. We have baby lambs which I got to bottle feed, we have chicks for egg laying, we have chickens as meat birds (I have already been given a fresh one that was consumed days after slaughter) and they have also created a wonderful veggie patch and given me a specific area to grow what I want in...just magic.

So I'm in bed crying and as I'm somewhere between sleep and wake I hear music. It's a song played on guitar by the owner upstairs that only me and my family would really appreciate and not many people over here would know. It made me feel so much better, comforting me and was a sign of changes coming.

From there on in...change, change, change. Laugh as hard as you want at this but suddenly parking spaces became available to me at will...a small thing I'm sure but you have to admit entirely frustrating when you're on the receiving end of parking hell! Within the space of a month, I was offered another job working with an amazing chick. Not only an amazing person to work with but a truly great friend. It was one of the worst days, leaving my friends behind at my previous work but I know that they will remain friends and not so much a goodbye as I'll still bug them all the time!

My new workplace is really chilled out. 90% of the people I get on really well with but there are a few who hate my breathing living guts as I was chosen for the position instead of someone else. It bothered me at first. I'm a nice person I thought, why on earth would they be so catty? Now, I really don't give a flying fuck. I like my job, my surroundings, my friends so from a purely PC standpoint...they can kiss my born and bred British aaaarrrrse. In any future posts I will lovingly refer to them as the Bitches of Eastwick.

Since being at THIS job, I've had two other serious offers of work along with this one which as you will read, not so much. This one I'll tell you about which leads me back to the point, at long last eh....you've been waiting for me to get back to the funny right?

Okay back to the story...So about a week into the new job a British lady came through my till and as I'm prone to do got into my life story at the till and chatted with her whilst ringing in her groceries. She asked me if I would consider other employment options and asked for my number. I gave it to her. Silly really. She could have been a serial scam artist or some kind of swinging homicidal maniac but given that she was a Brit I figured those scenarios were less than likely.

So I got home from work the other day and there was a message on my machine from her asking to give her a call. I didn't know what she had in mind but have re-taught myself that every situation can be filled with a great deal of possibility so called her back. She talked with me for a good long hour about general subjects, living in Canada, my qualifications and the likes. She told me that she wanted to introduces me to her bosses the next day and would send me details of where to meet them.

This morning was the start of my weekend and in a fit of relaxation I very nearly cancelled going tonight. I was about to call the lady and make some kind of excuse not to go when I stopped myself and decided to make the effort. It was something different and I might like what I hear I thought. So I had a shower, got myself dressed nicely and left the house thinking if nothing else I look marvelous and might make some connections or learn something or perhaps find the job of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm working but there is never any harm in weighing up all possibilities when offered to you.

So I drove to Victoria, parked up and found the house. The house which was NOT a house. It was part of a complex. A complex which when I got to the door said "Use front entrance for access". It belonged to a high rise next door that they use as both residential and for conferences. When I approached the door I was met by my contact and her husband...so spy like, contact...Bridget 009 secret agent of Canadian Intelligence...now there's a job I want.

She greeted me by flinging her arms round me (weird as we had only met once) and introduced me to her husband and her husbands brother who seemed rather thrilled that he wasn't the third wheel in this scenario. They lead me through a few scarcely decorated corridors and we ended up in a pool area. I could only think that I would have preferred to be swimming with a nice cocktail at that point rather than being in a hugely uncomfortable situation with three strangers in an odd "shining" style accommodation with god only knows what intent.

A woman came by us and I was quickly introduced. She was a team leader. I had this sense that I had unwittingly stepped into a cult of some sorts. They were over-friendly, over pleasant, sort of Ned Flanders-esque. As we continued to walk through the halls to our destination they struck pleasantries with others who joined us. We finally ended up in a suite where I was met by the rest of the Brady bunch.

The room seemed to be filled with two types of people. The first, Eco-friendly, tie yourself to a tree, huge grinning, seeing dollar signs, love and hugs capitalists...and yes, I realise the irony to that statement. The other seemed to be made of very indecisive, insecure, unsure, uncomfortable, regular grinning not so much hugging folks who barely knew what they were there for. As soon as I walked in I realised I was brought in as the latter. A sacrificial lamb so to speak. THIS was not a job interview...it was from my gathering of the facts a sales pitch.

So I'm standing in a room filled with sardines and sharks and I'm looking round for escape routes. I'm introduced round the room to all and sundry. Then one of the main guest speakers, a homeopathic doctor gives me an odd looking bottle of liquid and tells me that this is what they're here to talk about and please try it. It turns out, the job involves an amazing all-natural wonder drug from a pharmaceutical organisation. It's made from vegetables and fruits and plants and shit and blah blah blah properties and it's really good for you.

Whilst taking a sip of the hugely sweet insipid flavour of the liquid it occurred to me that I didn't know what it was...for all I knew it could be some kind of mind control experiment that made me buy "AS SEEN ON TV" products. The homeopath winked at me and said "ready to make some money?" and as the comedic words lay hanging in the air almost in a cartoon style speech bubble I was desperate for some small vision of clarity and normality and common sense to prevail.

No sooner had I thought this, a guy walks in greeted by my Brit. He looked normal...well actually, he looked more than normal. He was in fact quite pretty. She brought him over and introduced him to the homeopath and then to me. The tragic part of this story is that I cannot for the life of me remember his name. That's seriously fucked up.

The leader asked him what he did for a living and he said he was a carpenter. "Aaaahhhh, Jesus was a carpenter" says the homeopath. At this I must have rolled my eyes in a very conspicuous manner as he smiled at me in re-assurance that he was not one of the children of the corn. We were left alone, scanning the room and finally started talking. It transpires that he is from Nanaimo and moved to Victoria recently. As we talked, he took off his jacket to reveal a lovely toned strong sturdy body, well tanned as you'd expect from a tradesman. I was almost apoplectic and tried very hard not to stare at him or for that matter feel him up on the spot. Although that may have made the night far more interesting.

It turns out that he had come along as he had a torn muscle in his shoulder and was told by my Brit that this product could help him greatly. I commented to him that I felt it may be some kind of pyramid scheme involving parting with money and that I really didn't know what I was doing here. He laughed and said he had been very unsure. We sat down together amongst the oddities of people and believers who were set to convert us on the magical healing properties of nature and he told me that he had tried all manner of things for his shoulder.

Seeing the opportunity and knowing how cheeky I am (you know, you really know) I advised him that I had a diploma in massage and it might help. He he he he. The meeting started with a promotional video followed by speakers and life believers, and motivationalists and professionals there to sell the concept. As soon as the pyramid came onto the over head, I looked at him, he looked back at me and we burst out in snigger's of quiet laughter. Mutual discontent is a wonderful thing to bring people together sometimes. I told him that I felt I was being administered into some kind of cult and it was the strangest interview I'd ever had.

It was supposed to go on for an hour...it went on for almost 1.45 minutes and 26 seconds. When they were finished, he got up as quickly as I did (the chairs were painful to sit on, as if the presentation wasn't painful enough). I made the comment that I had hoped they had put cyanide in the formula before they started the presentation but unfortunately they forgot. He laughed with me as we talked for a few moments and then said he had to go and catch the grocery store before it closed. With that, he was gone, leaving me to explain to the Brit that this was not my cup of tea...so to speak.

She seemed really disappointed so I re-assured her that I was very grateful to her for asking me to come and that the product looked great but I just wasn't in a position to buy it and forward the "magic" on to others. I was with her for 5 or 10 minutes and then left. As I traversed the halls I felt a pang of disappointment that my cohort had left. I reached the front doors and began to walk outside. There he was, standing there waiting for me. We talked as we walked down the road and he asked me for my number.

I gave it to him and noticed that he had in fact remembered my name even though I was searching to remember his. He said "well I'm not sure if a massage will do the trick with this injury but would it be okay to call you?" As usual Bridget blushed up bright red, giggled uncontrollably and said yes of course. He thanked me for not having to endure the pain alone and told me we'd speak soon as he smiled and walked away.

As I walked back to the car, I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

The point is, I was going to blow that off...spend the night in, like most nights. Changing the way we think about situations or life in general can lead to some of the most extraordinary experiences. There are things that I really want in life. A few of the things I really want, I won't get (Johnny Depp...you'll never know the warm hands of the Brit, sigh) but if you think positively enough about any given situation, you can put the wheels in motion for a happier healthier life and what you do affects others around you too so it also improves their lives....instinctively, positive attitudes can pay it forward to everyone. Butterfly effect right? It spreads, it's infectious. If my being a positive person can for one second make someone else's life a little more bearable then I'm all for it. If everyone did the same thing, can you imagine the difference in the world right now??

Positivity breeds...Crap, they should have asked for my resume and got me on the payroll eh. Motivational speaker!! I mean seriously, who the hell would not want this mind!! Bridget over and out...LOL

Bridget's Year: 2010 - The Year of the Roadblock...Pt 1

It's been a while people, I mean, 3 months without posting is sacrilege! I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time! Anyway, welcome to my slanted and invariably rocky summary of the year. I have named 2010: The year of the Roadblock. Not monkey, or horse or whatever other bloody animal they're using. This is a completely honest run down on my life in 2010....

So I didn't meet Johnny Depp and have him fall madly in love with me, nor did I have Simon Cowell stumble across my voice whilst visiting the island and offer me a recording contract on the spot. I didn't win the Lottomax and I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize for my writing skills. However, some personal soul searching was done throughout this year and it's made me realise just who I really am...and you know what?? I'm pretty bloody stunned at what I found.

This year hasn't been without its up and downs, non-starters, rushing ins and completely fuck-wit moments and it's not really any different to any other year in that respect...other than at the start of the year, I promised myself to be positive and that "this year, THIS year I was going to have a great year and begin to move forward with my life". This is why I HATE New Years Eve...so much expectation for the start of a new year...so much pressure on having the perfect year that of course it's going to end up below expectations and really piss you off.

The year started off with a bang (no, not that kind you saucy thing!) and I was promoted in my job. I felt sure that this was the turning point of my life and a really great start to the New Year.

So I started in my new job and decided to buy a reliable car to make sure that I wouldn't have any car issues commuting. Two months in and my brand new car (first new car ever might I add) got hit by a 60ft truck leaving the parking lot of my workplace! This let me know that I was truly fucked on the Karma scale of good things a' happening. It still isn't fixed and is a constant reminder of why you should never feel too smug about your life being good around the New Year.

I've been on some dates this year...all have been complete disasters. I know what you're thinking now, and I SWEAR I have been really positive going on them and not in the slightest bit flaky. It certainly was not through lack of trying on my part that they did not gain any momentum from just being "dates" to "something else". I seem to be completely hopeless at anything that even remotely relates to my love life. A few dates, a few crushes and an attachment to someone special where the circumstances are sure to lead me to total heartbreak (a state I have felt too often before)...but that's another story, one that I will NOT be sharing so don't even ask. I REALLY REALLY suck at this...probably why I'm still single, as well as living life as a hermit AKA Crazy Cat Lady.

On the upside of my love life...I have had some wonderful times with my new BOB's and truly believe that my calling would be "vibrator tester". Not a title that one would want to put out on a resume but it's a fuck of a lot of fun. In the New Year I will be writing to some of the manufacturers and asking if I can be first to try out new products and in return will offer reviews for said products...something to do in my time off work (so to speak, ahem...). NB - If any manufacturers of such items happen to read this blog, I'm very skilled in testing your products and you can reach me at 1-800-ORGY-4ME.

I have consistently come up against roadblocks this year. It doesn't matter how completely positive I've been in all aspects of my life. Roadblocks in my work life, love life, social life...It's like March/April time on the roads where all local municipalities have to use up there funding by the end of the year so they get the same cash again for the following year...what do they do?..road maintenance, all at once, on every road. Slows down all vehicles. There's a really crass pun somewhere about travelling on the highways of life but I think it's a fucking given right?

My cat finally had her much anticipated operation. Perhaps now I will not have to suffer the incessant humping of furniture, doors or body parts and the wailing much like that of a porn star getting DP. I'm very pleased she's fixed and I'm sure as soon as February (on-heat) time comes around she will be too.

I've learnt many many lessons this year. The most important is that "to be enlightened is to lighten up"...Hey, If I wasn't laughing so hard at myself I'd be laughing at you so be thankful. I've learnt more about who I am as a person in one year than I have in 30 odd years.

I'm a tough cookie...and the more you throw at me the more I come back fighting. I can handle the worst of the worst as long as it doesn't relate to my love life (weak spot right there) and I'll keep on fighting for everything I believe in and not sell out to the highest bidder for anyone. A very good friend summed it up. One day I said to her "I just don't know why it's me, you know, who continues to get all the shit all of the time?" She replied "Because you've got strong shoulders and you can carry the load"...you know what, I think she's right...even if she does lick my till ;o)

I realised this year that I have a great deal of compassion for the people in my life. This year has brought me a great many good friends that I'm so bloody fortunate to have met. They are not fair weather friends and I know that no matter where I am, or what happens in the future they will be there through thick and thin with me.

Despite my previous mis-conceptions about myself, I finally realised that I am high on life and I warrant most of this to living amongst kind hearted people living in a spectacular place. I NEVER take my home here on the island for granted. Every sunrise, every sunset, every weather condition, every road that I travel down, every mountain that I cross....it's all so breathtaking that it blows me away every time.

I am not making any New Years Resolutions...For starters that would imply that I have drastic changes to make and I decided I don't need to change a thing about myself (well...other than the rather large bouncy behind and a few extra pounds that could be burnt off by obtaining a sex life). Another thing is that a resolution is "resolute" which suggests extra stress and pressure at the beginning of the year...just what you need really!

I am going to state that in the New Year....I will continue to be as giving as I can be, have as much fun as I can in all aspects of my life, treat others as I would wish to be treated, and continue my quest to learn as much as I can about the world and it's inhabitants which helps provide me with more tolerance for things I do not understand. I will of course be trying to hook up with Johnny Depp and get a record deal from Simon Cowell as always...

Stardust and Ashes........

Things are not good right now... that's to say that if I was sucked into a wormhole in time and space on a continuous loop of all the mistakes I've made through my life, it would be marginally better than it is right now.

There's a great deal going on in Bridget's world at the present time and if I was a lesser person I'd be saying bollocks to it about now. Unfortunately I'm not a lesser person and apparently I'm a sadist too for all the pain and hardship I continue to endure on a daily basis.

I'm sorry to not have written a blog for so long as it really helps me gain perspective on what's going on in my own head.

Let's start by saying that my parents visited a few weeks ago. They brought with them my favourite aunt and uncle whom I've not seen in a long long time. It was a great pleasure to see them and the time off that I had was great. To tell you the truth, I really needed a break from the gruelling routine that I've found myself living by. It's sort of silly really that I should require a break from what should be the most satisfying and liberating lifestyle you could get.

I'm feeling low at the moment. I loved having my family here to visit but it was when they returned home that I realised how completely and utterly alone I actually am. I have made some of the most terrific awe inspiring friends and I don't wish to offend them by saying I'm alone. However, when it comes down to it, that's how it is.

Right now it feels like my dreams, made of stardust are burning themselves out and turning to ash and no matter how hard I try, how well I do things or how friendly, sincere and caring I can be, it seems I'm getting kicked from all directions. The survival mode that I went into almost immediately upon arrival in this country has taken over and instead of reminding myself that I'm worth so much more, I'm in a perpetual state of readiness for the next disaster.

I'm not sure how you get out of this state short of an epiphany or as alcoholics call it "moment of clarity". I had such an epiphany earlier this week when I realised that the company that I work for, with all of it's "family" values has decided that I'm not worth caring about. I have never mentioned my company's name as I have a great deal of respect for the people I work with. They are without a doubt some of the most genuine, kind and wonderful people that I have met throughout my 32 years of living. This is why I am finding this so completely soul destroying.

I made a mistake a month or so ago and was reprimanded with a final warning. I've never had a warning in my life so it was pretty distressing to me. I apologised for my mistake and meant every word. Hands up if you've ever made a mistake? Every person reading this should have their hands up about now. Did I intentionally go out to make a mistake? No. Did I take responsibility for my actions? Yes.

And yet, my company whom I have worked for vigilantly, honestly, and completely loyally have decided that my dedication and extra efforts are no longer required. To all intents and purposes all of the hard work has been overlooked by one mistake. The family run company was taken over by a bigger corporate company and there seems to be distress over the company straying away from it's roots. If that were the case, they would be fighting harder to keep the people that truly care about holding legacies left by a guy who had a dream of running his own family store.

The option I've been given is to be demoted and go part time. This is not any kind of option for me as I'm here alone and part time does not cover my bills let alone allow me to live. I have the option of getting a second job and running myself into the ground in that same survival mode ("Get her done" mode) or taking part time and seeing if I can get extra shifts in other departments which, again I'm not a stranger to.

There is however a third option that I'm beginning to see more clearly. To accept that I'm smarter than these options. To accept that I'm not a horrible person. To accept that I'm worth more. In short, to start paying attention to everyone I know who cares about me who tells me these things all the time to have me not hear them or better still not listen.

With a large IQ on my side you'd have thought this would have occurred to me earlier, but when it's a case of listening to my head rather than my heart I tend to fall flat.

I am a great people person, I have qualities and skills that most would find difficult to duplicate over the course of their lifetime and that's thanks to what I've learnt from others. I need to learn to look at my qualities and not my flaws (that's a Virgo thing too). I am an asset to any company that hires me and though I may not always be right and may make the odd mistake (like all of us do from time to time) there is no malice, no pre-occupation to cause distress and no predetermined act to create mischief or cause upset to anyone or anything.

I'm a happy person in a not so pleasant world that sneers and looks down on my willingness to accept others from whatever background wherever that background may be and not judge. I have no room for judgement. The whole "my shit don't stink" attitude is so hypocritical as we've all done things we're not proud of.

I'm working on it...the whole stardust theory. We're all made of it. Those who are lucky will find a way to keep shining and not burn to ashes. Those who are lucky will lift up and float in a sky full of stars and never look back. Hope is stardust, dreams are stardust and I still have both.......

Do I have scales??? All singles do you know...

Guest at Party: "Yes, Why is it there are so many unmarried women in their 30's now then Bridget?"
Bridget: "Oh I don't know.....suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our whole bodies are covered in scales...."

It's at that point that I turn round and say "Have you got fat or are you pregnant....again?" Let's just talk about something else shall we...

People often annoy me. Not in a serious way but in a way that stimulates my lesser qualities needs for mischief. So when faced with questions as to why I'm single AND in my 30's I often decide to play devious.

Some retorts to those conversations: -

* Well, I don't seem to have much time for it when most of my time is made up of Devil worshipping and Delia Smith's home cooking recipes.

* I'm just waiting for the right girl to come along and whisk me off my feet.

* I'm too wasted on Meth and Ouzo to care most of the time.

* Didn't your husband tell you? I felt sure he would as he told me that he would stand by me...

It's like the most exclusive club you can hope to be in without hoping to be in it. The couples club.

Usually I try not to retaliate. I smile and laugh and join in the conversation remembering that I am NOT yet a Stepford wife with buttons instead of a brain.

They flock in pairs, chittering (chatting and twittering) amongst the others in their pride about useless things that don't concern me and expect ME to be on trial for my choices??

They seem to think that I'm single because I haven't got my shit together or I have some sort of serious flaw but truthfully THEY couldn't be more wrong. The last 5 years have been somewhat crucial in my decision making process and instead of jumping into "the collective" I've decided to come to peace with myself first. Take care of myself, you know. *placates the angry gods by flogging herself with birch branches to the soothing sounds of chuch bells*

It's only when you take a time out that you see what you need to do and where you need to be. For me that is not discussing how the neighbour's house colour diminishes the look of the street, or how "beige" is in this year, or what family car hold the most fuel efficiency, or how so-and-so looks so awful now her husband left her.

I find that the collective forget to check out the smaller more insignificant things that would spark my interest but as a couple they feel embarrassed to be...well...simply themselves. It's funny how you spend your life wanting to be in a relationship with someone and then the other half wishing you hadn't.

On the upside of singledom, I can go where I please, when I please, I can wear what I like without having judgement thrust upon me. I can spend my days off how I want, where I want, and my evenings singing or writing or watching movies and TV. In essence, I am free to do whatever the fuck I want to.

On the downside, I do it alone.

The alternative however is far more horrifying. Getting paired up just for the sake of it...you know who you are. Can you imagine? If I were to try to do that I would probably end up with a drug dealing hippy who likes listening to Joe Cocker in his underpants whilst watching Jeopardy and living in a trailer park eating Doritos by the truck load.

Someone once told me that to know yourself inside and out is to be truly alive and I have to agree. If you know yourself well enough anything is possible and anything can and invariably will happen.

I'm not against couples at all. In fact, I'd love to be in one. But for me it has to be the RIGHT one. Not just a half hearted decision to be with someone. Been there done that. In truth, even at 31, I've made some of the most dreadful relationship mistakes EVER...

* Dated a guy who was in to feet..eeeewww
* Guy who was into serious drugs
* Guy who tried to drown me in a hot tub and almost succeeded
* Girl with psychotic tendencies
* Guy who liked to beat up girlfriends when he got angry
* Guys (plural) who did not want to commit
* Guy who was obsessive and overbearing

And many more...So you can see that I want to do it right next time round. Yes, I know..and I've psycho-analysed it all myself and I know now what went wrong with my choices of the past. I didn't like or respect myself enough. That's the truth. I always felt inadequate both in looks and personality. It's not my parents fault. I had a great childhood. It's something more than that.

I now know who I am and I'm fine with it to a point. I've never considered myself particularly attractive. I see great beauty each and every day (in people and things) and I don't think I've ever been able to compare myself to anything that amazing. It's another of my self-preservation psyches. I'd far rather just admit that I'm not terribly attractive but I make up for it in personality instead. To each their own and my abundance is clear to me. Funny and interesting over pretty, sounds okay to me.

So couples of the world, be kind. Us singles don't sit there wallowing. We sit with hope that we may find someone of our choosing and not because "you say so". We don't sit in the dark listening to Celine Dion (almost threw up a bit there) or singing crazy love ballads (unless it's Nat & Stitch's Karaoke night) whilst plowing our way through 6 litres of Haagen Dazs. We don't eagerly await Celebrity Love Island on TV or watch those shitty "made for TV" movies.

We are actual people with actual lives that are filled with a great deal of happiness, just like you. So next time we meet, don't be so quick to label us as the "monster under the sea". Smug couples finish last, didn't you know?.....

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